please help me deal with 4 yo's awful temper and behaviour

[dreamsofsleep]

Hi
I have a 4 year old daughter and a 1 year old son. I find my daughter incredibly difficult. Her mood swings suddenly and dramatically; if things don't go her way she has massive tantrums; she is pretty jealous of her brother. She regularly screams and shouts, pushes and hits me, talks back to me. When she is in good form she is absolutely wonderful - bright, inquisitive, polite, loving and funny. But she has a wild temper. Weirdly she will go in phases - so she will go through a while of being mostly fine, then a while of being awful. I don't know why. I don't know what has triggered current phase of awfulness (whereas previous ones were clearly attributable - a move and a new brother ) - it seemed to come out of the blue.
I am really really really struggling. I am at home with the kids full time though she is at preschool 3 days (till 3pm). Today after a day of strops throughout which I really strove to maintain my compposure she bit her brother and i lost it and slapped her. I don't want to slap but I confess it;s not the first time I have done it. (Rare, though).
Does her behaviour sound normal? What are other people's 4 year olds like?
How can I help her? I know that's what I need to do really, and in doing so help myself. Usual stuff like time out and star charts don't really work for her ... well a star chart did once but I think it may have run its course.
My instinct is to either try to diffuse situations through play or humour or ignore as much as posssible - but I can't ignore biting - or hitting me, surely?
I'm really not into punishment as I do believe/hope that most of it is developmental (unless she has some behavioural issue but I dont really think so). Very grateful for any ideas/tips/books of how to handle this in a low key way.
Sorry for rambling, feeling very stressed and tired out by it all.

'I'm really not into punishment'

Except when you lose your temper and slap her?

She needs to be punished in a calm and age appropriate way for her bad behaviour. You need to get 'into' punishment fairly quickly before your DS goes the same way.

Hi OP- just to say I feel your stress. I've a 3.5 yr old ds and 1 yr old dd and am going through similar issues. it can be so so trying... I will watch this with interest. I'm so keen for this phase to pass. I also hate for my calm 1yo to be watching this constant screaming and tantrums and drama.
I will be watching this thread hoping to learn something!!

To me it sounds like you have all gotten into a very negative cycle. Do you anticipate bad behaviour from the word go and maybe react quite strongly to the smallest of things as you feel so fed up? Do you find that any punishments such as threatening to take away toys etc actually make the situation worse and her more defiant even though she knows she is fighting a loosing battle?

A children's psychiatrist once explained sibling jealousy in a different way: Imagine your husband comes home and happily tells you that he will be having a second wife soon - and that you will love his second wife. When the second wife arrives, she gets lots of attention and everyone constantly admires her, even for the silliest of things. When you want something, you get told to do it yourself as you know how things work around here and well, you're old enough. Now how would you feel in that situation? Kind of puts into perspective?

We had a similar situation but with my 5 year old DD who is actually old enough to voice her feelings. She didn't understand why her little sister gets so much more care than her - she interpreted this as not being loved. :(
With regards to acting up, it contributed to three things - we had underestimated the amount of sleep she needed, swinging blood sugar levels and the fact that she needed 1:1 time with me/dad. So in order to break the negative cycle, I concentrated on making sure she got to bed early enough and helped her to relax in bed by reading her a couple of stories, stroking her back for a few minutes and telling her we love her. Second thing was to ensure that she ate at regular intervals. Her moods swing badly if her blood sugar is low - hence regular meals, snacks etc. And finally, we made sure that we'd get time alone just with her. So I took her to the cinema to see Cinderella - she was very happy with it. And yes, she threw a wobbly in the afternoon again but the next day she was better, and the following day even better still. When the baby is napping, I try to do something just with her - be it colouring or just watching a film together. It wasn't an immediate fix but her mood has improved and she isn't so prone to tantrums anymore.

Violence is never acceptable and that definitely needs a punishment but maybe not a physical kind as it kind of counteracts the message?

Finally, make sure you yourself get some time for yourself. I find that running or other kind of physical activity helps to get rid of frustration. Or seeing friends, doing something just for me without kids. We are not machines and generally happy parents can help their kids better too.

I agree with Emmie on a lot of points regarding negative cycles, blood sugar, more attention. I seem to have come through a similar phase with my 4 yo. Sleep, blood sugar, poor routine are related to my son's tantrums. Mid tantrum I try changing the subject very quickly to get his attention - did you see the red bird outside fly by. I also try to give him a tight hug and that has worked to calm him down. I think lots of praise, cuddles, kisses throughout the day. We then talk about what happened to give him the chance to think things through. I have a zero tolerance approach to bad behaviour and wil follow through by removing favourite toys.

I could have written your post OP I have a very difficult 3.5 year old. I brought the Incredible Years book, it's amazing, total common sense but found it re focused me on some stuff that I had dropped the ball on. I also found a post on AHA parent about sibling jealousy that actually made me cry as the above post mentioned having a new sibling must be a bit shit if your 3/4!. Anyway we have done a week of 'social praise' as the book calls it, lots of positive comments literally all day, very focused reward chart (not the general stuff we were putting on it) and most importantly keeping very very calm and picking our battles. The keeping calm has been very difficult for me I confess but although it's early days from us (and i'm exhausted) she has improved immeasurably very quickly. Good luck, your not alone!

Also agree with one on one time and low blood sugar, DD has a banana in her hand the second she steps out of nursery.

She might be tired and hungry - simple things cause moods. Also I suspect you expect far too much of her. She's only 4. Doing three days of preschool is tiring - my ds and dd were/are shattered after those hours so I kept them to a minimum.

So cut her some slack, be more positive and try and encourage her more when she is doing well.

hi all
thanks sooo much for the super helpful replies - some absolutely spot on ideas and I appreciate everyone's helpful advice. Sorry for delayed response.
so, yes, blood sugar and tiredness are critical factors - in fact particularly blood sugar - this is something I am aware of but even so can be tricky to keep on top of as she gets low blood sugar very suddenly and quickly -eg yesterday just over an hour after a good lunch she was having a big meltdown and I gave her a chocolate and she was totally fine!
Emmie - you really hit the nail on the head about anticipating bad behaviour and overreacting. I think just being aware of this will be a huge help to me. in fact today i just tried to relax and be much more easy on both of us and it did make a big difference.
I do give lots of praise (and in fact it's not hard because she is often very good and lovely) ... but I'm interested in idea of a reward chart for specific things - can you tell me more, Twiggy? I will also have a look at that book (though I quite like just mining mumsnet for advice!).
sh77 - i think distraction is great - that's exactly what I meant by not 'punishing' as such - I would rather deflect/deflate the tantrum so it doesn't become a conflict.
OK, better go as now poor thing is crying in bed because her favourite cuddly toy is lost (I have huge sympathy in this matter!).
good luck to all with challenging little ones!

For example we were using things like 'behaved whilst out', this is too open to interpretation and not specific enough. The book talks about finding the specific behaviours you want to correct and using those as the basis for a reward chart, so for example, 'brushes teeth', 'sits down when asked'. These behaviours are specific and either a yes/no, there is no interpretation and argument over whether they are met.