Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

4yo DS hit and bloodied the nose of a 9yr old family friend

9 replies

BusyCee · 30/03/2015 21:23

Just that really. I'm mortified, of course. And it's the first time I've had to deal with this sort of thing, so I'm fretting about it.

DS did it quite deliberately. Althoug him sure hadn't worked out that it would end so badly. 9yo family friend had a bleeding nose, quite bad, and was understandably very upset. I immediately told DS off, and made him come and see the blood and how upset 9yo was. He then went to the step, had a privilege removed, and then we talked about why it's wrong to hit, that I love him but really don't like what he did.

I've since apologized again, sincerely, to the mother and to 9yo friend. tomorrow DS will be making a card to apologize. She has older children and says 'oh don't worry, it happens'. But it's not ok because it was deliberate.

We're in a bit of flux at the moment which is clearly disturbing DS, although it's not an excuse.

I'm concerned that I haven't apologized adequately? What else could I or should I say? Also that DS should clearly understand how wrong it is. Should I bring it up with DS again? Make a further punishment (removal of favorite magazine?)

Argh. Words of wisdom, please

OP posts:

bigTillyMint · 30/03/2015 21:25

Why did he hit? Was he angry or messing around?
Is he feeling bad about it?

wizzler · 30/03/2015 21:25

You seemed to have covered most of the bases. You have shown him the impact of his actions, apologised to the mother and the 9 yo, and punished your son. I think you handled it well

Do you know why he did it.. ?

BertieBotts · 30/03/2015 21:33

I think you've handled it well enough (with the card tomorrow as well). I would not add an extra punishment, or it will take the focus off what he's actually done. Immediate was fine and the card as follow up is just right.

He must have caught him just at the wrong angle. And at four, yes being in flux is very disturbing and I think it is somewhat an excuse. NOT to be let fully go, of course, because he does need to understand it's wrong and there does need to be a deterrent. But more for you to understand that whatever it is is upsetting him, that it doesn't mean he's a bad kid or going off the rails or anything, he's just struggling at the moment. Maybe a sign that you need to lean in to him a little bit. Or it could just be a combination of frustration and not knowing his own angsty four year old strength. I remember DS pushed a chair over at five and was so angry that he didn't seem to care at the time, but he was quite shaken later, as were we. He has had his moments but he has not assaulted any furniture since that moment.

Original poster

BusyCee · 30/03/2015 21:36

It was quite deliberate - the 9yo was helping DS2 do move out of a play area and DS1 didn't want him to. So he hit him.

As I said, were in flux at the moment, moving around a lot, and things are a bit unstable. I know DS1 is feeling out of control and insecure. And it's showing in his behavior. I'm caught between knowing he's not usually a thug and feeling sorry for him, but not wanting to give him too much leeway he's quite manipulative and will take a country mile when an inch is even hinted at and anyway, regardless of our situation, that behaviour is unacceptable.

I think he is remorseful. He really didn't want me to tell his dad. It's hard to judge where to pitch it. He's PFB so I'm learning on the job...

OP posts:

bigTillyMint · 30/03/2015 21:46

I think you have handled it well. I would tell him that what he did was serious and that dad needs to know too. I would prime dad if necessary to say how disappointed he is with the behaviour, does DS know why it was wrong and what can DS do to try to put it right?

bigTillyMint · 30/03/2015 21:49

I wouldn't punish any further, but I would make sure he knows that you do not like violence and that he needs to use words to tell an adult instead of hitting out in future.

defineme · 30/03/2015 21:57

I think you are doing really well.
I found story books about handling emotions helped at this age. Like 'your emotions: I feel angry' .

Original poster

BusyCee · 30/03/2015 22:07

Ok. Thanks all. I'm feeling a bit less angsty myself now. Define; thanks for the book tip. I'll look into it

OP posts:

MrsDoylesCupOfTea · 30/03/2015 22:08

It's sounds like you have done the right things. I wouldn't punish him further but I would raise again if he starts getting cross with his friends - I'd pull him aside and had a chat to remind him to keep check of his anger and to remind him of what happened when he hit his cousin (how he felt, how his cousin felt etc)
I always tried to get my DC to discuss what they could have done differently and to try and work out for themselves what they could do to say sorry and what a reasonable punishment would be.

I didn't like punishments to drag out though. Screwing up from time to time is part of being a kid as long as they learn from it and are genuinely sorry then there is no need to dwell on things.

Flip