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Eleven year old DS with chronic shyness

10 replies

Marjie3 · 27/03/2015 06:29

If anyone can give me any sort of advice out there I would be very grateful. My 11 year old had a massive melt down last night and cried like I had never seen before. It took him about 20 minutes to tell me that he felt most of the time and had been happening for as long as he could remember.
i've always known he is this way inclined but didn't realise it was making him so unhappy.
Any recommendations?

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MrsFlannel · 27/03/2015 16:40

Ah bless him. I was very shy and my older DD is too. It's a form of social anxiety with some kids really...but with others, it's just plain old shyness...others still might be suffering the effects of mild austism.

has DS got any friends?

Marjie3 · 27/03/2015 17:36

He does have friends at school, but never gets invited to parties or for play days. He plays for a local rugby team and always sits on his own after the games when all the others seem to be socialising.
He goes to secondary school in September and only 2 other children are going from his class, so really worried how he is going to get on.

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MrsFlannel · 27/03/2015 22:47

It sounds like he could do with some support in social skills....you can speak to his school...his teacher to begin with and ask what she or he thinks about it all. Some high schools have social support groups which are specifically designed for this sort of issue...which is very common by the way.

Sometimes, high school is actually better for boys and girls like your DS and my DD because there's a bigger "pot" of mates to choose from...plus more clubs and after school things to choose from.

I know it's hard and I really would speak to his teacher.x

Marjie3 · 28/03/2015 00:57

many thanks for your reply.
I'm really hoping you're right about high school.
I will go and speak with his teacher after Easter.
Is your DD very shy?

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itsveryyou · 28/03/2015 01:26

Hi marjie I too have a shy DS, who is 11, and have worried a lot about him in the past. He's always been this way, for instance, he would sit and happily play on his own in the corner at kids' parties as a toddler, would play alone at pre school and wasn't one of the kids who was often invited on loads of play dates etc. But he's happy the way he is, he has a small group of very close friends and enjoys solo activities like climbing, reading, cycling. He is currently playing football, but he's not into team sports per se.

Just recently we've started to encourage him to set himself tasks, like saying hello to someone new each day, or asking somebody a question in a shop, or at football, or in school. He finds it really hard, he says he doesn't know what to say, and gets embarrassed, but the more he does it, the more excited he gets about how it makes him feel, and the feedback he gets.

My big fear is that his shyness will come across as indifference, or ignorance, when he goes to high school and I want people to see and know him like we do, as the great, smart, sensitive, diligent and funny kid he is! By giving him more independence, he seems to be responding and developing his social skills. He'll never be a 'centre of attention' kid, but I think we can help him find his comfortable place. Hope your DS is feeling better tomorrow, extra hugs and a chat to his teachers can't hurt at all. Have a lovely Easter.

Marjie3 · 28/03/2015 01:36

Thanks for your post. I like the idea of a daily task. Will try this out on him.
Wish I could give him a magic pill and make it all better for him straight away as he seems a lot of the time unhappy. His dad and me were/are both shy, so I feel like I may have passed it on.

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Ferguson · 28/03/2015 14:36

I don't quite know how you could arrange it, or whether he would agree to it, but maybe if he had an opportunity to work or do an activity with VERY YOUNG children, who would not pose any 'threat' to him, he might gain from contributing to their learning or activity.

So, a parent&toddler group, playgroup, or Sunday School. In the Easter holiday there may be toddler activities at your local library (if you still have one!).

What activities and subjects does he like, and is there anything he is particularly good at, or knowledgeable about?

itsveryyou · 28/03/2015 16:49

Heymarjie try not to think your DS's shyness is story fault, it's not at all, he may have picked up certain traits or behaviour from you, but he is his own person and I am sure, with your help and support he will be just fine! I try to think of ways I can help my own DS, without overwhelming him, or feeling like he has to change who he is, to become less shy and more confident. On the flip side, I would say that Ds's sweet, quiet nature is also one of the many things I adore about him. Someone once said he has a 'stillness' about him, which I think will actually help him in life, rather than hinder him.

I understand that your DS might be feeling unhappy and a bit confused, this is such a hard age, with all those hormones flying around and changes taking place. Can you talk to him about what he's great at, focus on the positives, and what he likes about himself, rather than what he's worried about? Hope you all have a nice weekend x

Marjie3 · 28/03/2015 19:31

Thanks so much for your very wise words.
It really does make sense to focus on the positives rather than making a deal out of his shyness.
It's funny you should mention younger children, because he is brilliant with his 2 younger cousins who are nearly 3 - he almost seems at this happiest then. I think because he is super sensitive as well, he is just more aware of it than maybe other children who are not so sensitive.Thanks again

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itsveryyou · 30/03/2015 17:15

Your post reminded me of something else which happened in the past, which made me pledge never to see DS's shyness as an issue, and I just wanted to share it with you; DS was about 7 and in a busy, noisy swimming lesson with a horrible, witchy, shouty instructor. After one lesson, she came to me and said 'Your son never listens, does he have learning difficulties?' I was so staggered, I could barely reply! She said it in such a derogatory way, so spiteful, I was incredulous at how she could ever be working with kids/parents. I felt very hurt for my son, so I mumbled something and left(and found different swimming lessons!)

After a while, I realized just how awful her comments were, and talked to the her manager, who sent her for more training. Turns out, she had been calling DS by the wrong name, and he said he didn't want to correct her because she shouted so much and he was afraid of her! Now I try to work with him on learning to know when it's okay to speak up, so that no one ever makes him feel like his shyness is a negative thing.

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