4-yr-old daughter seems to be struggling emotionally at school

[Sophie1002]

My DD is just five and started school in September '14. As a toddler she always seemed more highly strung than her little friends, cried easily, went through a hitting phrase and had terrible separation anxiety.

She settled a bit at 3/4 and made a few friends at pre-school. However, play dates and parties were always a little challenging for her and I was always on 'high alert'. If she came away from one without crying, bickering or clinging to me I considered it a success.

She started school in September and did brilliantly at the start. She went off without any tears, made friends and did well with lessons. Her teacher said she was great etc. Then a couple of months ago she seemed to regress, emotionally.

We now have tears many times a day - over minor things. She used to love her weekly ballet class (with lots of her class mates) but now she cries in the middle of class every week over silly things. We had a teacher meeting last week & her teacher said she's very sensitive and now cries most days. Parties are now a nightmare - she goes in on a high and is really loud & over confident, pushing herself to the front etc. Then she retreats and doesn't join in/speak to any of her friends. They all group up and start playing and she's left out, but doesn't seem to know how to join in.

It all came to a head tonight. It was her school disco - just half an hour after home time. I was a parent volunteer & when she came in she was so happy to see me and be there. But within ten minutes she was crying because she couldn't pop all the bubbles the DJ was blowing out. Then she cried because she had to hold hands with a girl she didn't want to be next to. Then she cried because her eye hurt, then because her finger hurt. A few of the children didn't want to join in and sat on the side, but she was in a whole different league. As well as not joining in and crying regularly, she was rude/dismissive to any friend who tried to get her to join in. So they gave up and all went off without her, which I can't blame them for.

Before it even finished I went to find a teacher & explained she couldn't stop crying and asked to leave early. I went into the main hall to get my bag and the whole of reception (60 children) were doing a conga line and all looked so happy, whereas my DD was whimpering and peering in at them from the corridor. It utterly & completely tore my heart out. It makes me so sad and frustrated because something is clearly amiss. But she gets angry or tearful when I talk to her about it and her teacher said there's no obvious problems. I just don't know what to do and I'm worried she's going to alienate herself and become even more unhappy. Does anybody have any advice?

I'm afraid I don't really have any advice but it may be worth discussing with your doctor. The first thing that comes to mind is does she get enough sleep. At least 12 hours every night. And does she eat healthily-lots of carbs, vitamins, proteins, healthy fats etc. You could give her supplements if you think she could eat better. I think reception is hard for some kids. Just keep it super relaxed at home as she may be feeling stress over her learning and making new friends. Can you see old established friends more one to one to give her more confidence?

To me it sounds like she is struggling to navigate social situations and friendships. It would be great if the school could provide structured support around friendships and what they look like etc. A lunchtime friendship group could be great for her.

Does she have any speech delay, or inability to switch the way she speaks when she speaks to friends or adults?

Our DD is in prek 3 here in the uS. Her teacher had her assessed by the special needs group and they said she had anxiety. They gave us some great ideas which have done wonders to improve things.

Calming bottle - water bottle with food coloring and glitter. I used a Voss bottle and melted parts of it. DD loves it.
Structure- schedule has to be set in stone and not change. We also now transition between activities. We also do our best to get her to sleep early.
Control - we give DD the ability to pick what she wants to do first within certain activities. Right now she can choose in the morning the order in which she eats, brushes her teeth/hair and gets changed.

It's not easy but I do suggest you have her looked at by a doctor to see if she needs to be seen by a specialist.

Ugh that came out wrong. My DD was starting to have similar issues with social relationships that you describe. It doesn't help that DD is young for her year.

"her teacher said there's no obvious problems"

Other than all the crying?

It sounds to me like she needs more support and presence than a teacher can offer. Might you be able to consider home education for a while? That way you could really focus on providing the loving presence she probably needs to be able to learn how to live a rich life with sensitive emotions and how to navigate social situations without overwhelming anxiety.

OP the special needs teacher lent me a copy of a book which I have found to be wonderful. It's call 'The new language of toys. Teaching communication skills to children with special needs,'

I've found it very helpful in learning about the development stages. It covers birth to age 6 so it's applicable. I went back to age 2 for DD and worked forward with her. I wish I had been given this book while being wheeled out of the delivery room with DD!

Ds (also 5) is anxious and I have felt very embarrassed and awkward during playdates and parties (he now refuses to go to parties unless they are in soft play centres, which he loves). With regard to the school disco and dance class, DS would refuse to go to either, so maybe you don't get to see anyone who is "worse" than your dd. That said, he doesn't really cry that often. He moans, whines, shouts and acts up.

Poor wee thing.

Speaking as the parent of a DC who has had issues at school along these lines, there is more support the school can give you.

Firstly though, I would let your DD have a good rest during the holidays and see how she gets on next term.

If no better, ask to speak to the Head or Special a Needs coordinator. Without formal SEN support there should still be more the school can offer, such as counselling or sessions exploring her emotions.

Have a read up on anxiety - there are lots of useful books or you can post on here for help if you think that's it.

Could it have been the noise that was bothering her? Have you asked?

Google highly sensitive child, v interesting traits & characteristics. There is also a book of the same name

Could be shes not getting her own way? Maybe shes a leader without followers? Maybe other children louder than she is an shes not liking it? Is she an only child?

On our part, DS is an only. This is because he has been hard work since the beginning. Another child would break me. We do not overindulge him, but as we have no other children to worry about, naturally, his needs, wishes and dislikes are mostly taken into account.

" Then a couple of months ago she seemed to regress, emotionally. "

Were there any significant changes in her life a couple of months ago? new baby? divorce? new teacher / teaching assistant?

Oh Dear, Oh Dear!! How you lot over-react!!

If she doesn't want to go to ballet and discos - then she doesn't HAVE to.

But she should go to school: I'm sorry, but HE in this instance is a stupid idea!

And the American ones have anxiety!! (No comment)

It's no wonder there is anxiety, with frantic parents fretting and passing their OWN anxieties on to their children! Like Michael Winner used to say: "Calm down, Dear".

Mum: try and relax, stay cool, and don't worry. If DD sees YOU are worried, then she will be MORE worried.

Support her at school, but don't make her do any additional activities, at least until she can cope with them more easily.

How is she doing with lessons? With Phonics, Reading, Writing, Numeracy? Reception children are SUPPOSED to learn though play, but I think things are getting more competitive in some schools. And PE, games, drama, music, playtime and lunchtime - how does she cope with all of those?

It is all a lot to handle, when you are only just five! Unless there is sympathetic support all the time, then she caves-in. And I don't blame her.

Children dont give each other sympathetic support! Thats the issue - she has learnt that crying gets a reaction from grown ups but it fails with her class mates.

Fergurson - I basically agree with you - except HE can be a great thing in similar circumstances - it has helped lots of children to grown into confident adults, with great social skills.

OP - go to see your GP and ask to be referred to a paediatrician.
Talk to her teacher and the SENCO of the school, see what they are doing and can suggest (keep notes of anything they promise to do, are doing etc.)
She doesn't have to do anything if she isn't enjoying them, she might like them more when she is older.

Fergurson I was also a little about the anxiety label. However four months down the road and the changes that we made have seen our daughter start to enjoy school and learn.

Navigating the US education system is not easy but so far I have been pleasantly surprised that teachers have been so proactive by the quality of the education here. There have been huge changes here in education and standards today are so much higher than 20years ago. Parents have told me the school districts know that if they don't help children with SEN the parent will sue so they are proactive today.

mummytime - Yes, I accept HE can benefit some children, but can the parents and home replicate the social, cultural, and material experiences available in schools? And I understand that some HE families group together and pool expertise and resources, getting closer to a school environment.

Want2bSupermum - to many people in the UK I think the US education system is quite a mystery; I must try and make more effort to find out more about it!

Her behaviour sounds similar to lots of the children in DS1's reception class!

Lots of them seem to go through phases of being happy and content and joining in, and then being shy and tearful and needing a bit more support. We (their parents) have just put it down to the massive amount of learning they are doing (academically and socially) as well as tiredness.

When you met with your DD's teachers, did they give any indication of what was causing her to get upset during the school day? How do they deal with it when it happens? I assume they don't have any concerns about her developmentally? (DS1 is delayed on the social side of things and has been assessed as being between 30 and 50 months on the EYFS assessment thingy - he is 5.1, so 61 months).

Can your DD verbalise what the issues are? We find that role playing with toys works quite well for DS1 and helps us get a better understanding of what he finds difficult. So we set up a school for his Transformers and I get all the autobots to playing together to see how he responds...etc...).

We also give DS1 strategies/responses to help him deal with certain situations. So if x is trying to get him to play a certain game that he doesn't want, then he knows to say 'no thank you x, I am doing something else, I will come and play with you later' (whereas before, he didn't realise he could say no, he just did whatever the other children told him to, even if it was something he didn't enjoy).

I hope your DD settles soon, I know how stressful it is when you're constantly worrying about stuff like this!

IwillOnly: If you don't mind me asking, how did your ds get assessed, and what made them think it's social maturity delay? DS is waiting to access a emotions and social communication group at school, but no delays or assessments have been mentioned.. In his case IMO it's probably a combination of immaturity and anxiety, but I do wonder about aspergers every now and again, as he is academically ahead.

"mummytime - Yes, I accept HE can benefit some children, but can the parents and home replicate the social, cultural, and material experiences available in schools? "

No, and I wouldn't want it to either. That's kind of the point of HE. You do know that there is no research done into school education as opposed to a more natural education? Whereas there is actually research done into home education that suggests it's better forchildren. Whereas about a quarter of schooled adults will suffer with some form of mental health ilness and nearly 40% get fewer than 5 GCSEs grade A*-C. School doesn't have the most awesome success rate, does it? So don't dismiss it as a stupid idea when you clearly know jack shit about it!

It was just an assessment done by the teachers against the EYFS grid.

They didn't specifically say social maturity delay - just that his social development was behind what would normally be expected of a child of his age.

The assessment has led to a 'short note of a child's emerging needs in early years' - which is a one-page report detailing his strengths and weaknesses and a plan of action to help him progress. This is re-visited after 8 weeks. If no progress is made then he will be referred to the School SENCO.

DS1 is also ahead academically, and we have had on-going concerns about ASD/Aspergers. I hope that this process will lead to a more formal EdPsych assessment and we can get a firm answer one way or the other in the future!

EYFS assessment grid

Just something to bear in mind

Last question Iwill, sorry OP for slight hijack, what do the numbers on the left of that grid equate to? DS is on level 5-6ish on them in the emotional/social stuff and mostly on 9 or over for the others.