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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I know that children say cruel things but is this beyond normal?

22 replies

resipsa · 26/03/2015 20:32

My husband was diagnosed with cancer last year. He completed his treatment about a month ago and went for follow up investigations today which, thankfully, showed that the treatment was successful.
DD knew that he was going to hospital today and said that she'd miss him and would make him a card at nursery.
She's 4 and has just gone to bed. As she was getting in,she said that she wished that Daddy had died at the hospital and not come home.
I know children say all sorts but is this too much? My husband is really upset and DD seems unbothered.

OP posts:

hmc · 26/03/2015 20:34

Why did you tell dh, or was he physically present when she said this?

She doesn't mean it and at four would have no meaningful understanding of 'death'

Original poster

resipsa · 26/03/2015 20:35

He was there. We're probably being over-sensitive...

OP posts:

hmc · 26/03/2015 20:35

P.S. - glad to hear that his treatment has been successful

caitlinohara · 26/03/2015 20:35

Was he there when she said it?
I would be upset too if I were you but she is very little and could mean any number of things by it. Do they generally have a good relationship?

hmc · 26/03/2015 20:36

I think over sensitivity is quite understandable considering what you have been through

RL20 · 26/03/2015 20:36

Im sure you have every right to feel 'over-sensitive' due to what you have both been going through. If she was ok before nursery, could it possibly be the influence of what children might have been saying at nursery?
But I agree she probably won't have known what she meant! Did you ask her why she said it?

Original poster

resipsa · 26/03/2015 20:37

He is good to her but she's a mummy's girl so a bit hit and miss with him. This was a new level of 'nastiness' though.

OP posts:

5madthings · 26/03/2015 20:38

She won't understand death. My dd is four and has been asking about/talking about death a bit recently. I suspect they have discussed the easter story at pre school.

Yesterday were joking about ds1(15) having to move out soon as he will be an adult Etc. Anyway dd said, "yes you go away, go and be dead all on your own". Thankfully ds1 saw the funny side!

It's not very nice, and has obviously touched a nerve given your dh recent illness. But don't take it to heart xx

TendonQueen · 26/03/2015 20:38

Did you ask her why she didn't want Daddy to come home? You'd probably then have found it was something completely trivial prompting it. But very understandable to be upset. Was your DH there?

Original poster

resipsa · 26/03/2015 20:39

I did ask but got nothing comprehensible by way of reply.
No doubt she'll have forgotten it all by tomorrow. Oh to be 4 again...

OP posts:

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 26/03/2015 20:39

She's four. She doesn't really understand what "died" means.

caitlinohara · 26/03/2015 20:43

I would have a chat to her about it at another time when you've all had time to think about it. If she is only 4 and your dh has been ill for some time, she will have seen the worry this has caused and may see death as the solution - without really understanding what this means. I don't blame you at all for being upset but try not to over think it. Really glad for you that his treatment has been successful and now you can concentrate on being a family and work on her relationship with dh without all the pressure of illness hanging over you.

Original poster

resipsa · 26/03/2015 20:43

The thing that troubles me is that I think she does understand it a little. Our dog died last year and she knows that she won't see him again.

OP posts:

RabbitSaysWoof · 26/03/2015 20:44

I agree that she would unlikely understand at all the permanence of death, the 5 year old I look after plays games where she is dead then not anymore.
Still hurtful to hear tho, I hope your dh is ok

RabbitSaysWoof · 26/03/2015 20:44

sorry just crossed with you then.

LionsDontWeaveLentils · 26/03/2015 20:45

I think you are being over sensitive, though I can see why you would be at this time. It really can't be called 'nastiness' though as she has no real concept of what she is saying and what her words mean to you and your dh. I think at this age they experiment with concepts they have picked up and sort of fling them out sometimes to see what reaction they get.

You are all feeling stressed and this includes your dd. She will have picked up on your worry and be worried herself, but not really know the right way to handle it.

Original poster

resipsa · 26/03/2015 20:49

Thanks everyone. Pizza about to arrive (I'm pregnant so that's as celebratory as it gets) so I'm off but am grateful that the consensus is that she can't mean it. Will reassure DH now!

OP posts:

Comingoutofhibernation · 26/03/2015 20:53

Did he send her to bed? From a 4 year old I would take that to mean that she wants him to go away, because he has annoyed her in some way, rather than actually understanding what it would really mean. I can understand both you and your DH being sensitive to it at the moment though. I'm glad to hear your DH is OK!

TRexingInAsda · 26/03/2015 20:56

I'm sure at 4 she has no idea what she's saying with that sentence, but obviously it hurts to hear. x

Cobo · 26/03/2015 22:32

I've had a similar experience to you. DS1 is 4. DS2 was born in December with a congenital heart condition and almost died at a few weeks old. Whilst I don't think DS1 really understood what was going on, he certainly picked up on our stress and the seriousness of the situation. I think at that age they play with the concept as a way of processing it, so I remember DS saying things like "goodbye mummy I'm never going to see you again", which at the time was very upsetting, but was just him playing with the idea.

Because he's been a bit obsessed with death, I've talked to him about it quite a lot, but even after explaining it to him, and I him agreeing that people can't come back after they die, half an hour later he'll say something in a game that shows he doesn't really understand that concept. They have no appreciation of permanence at that age, so whatever your daughter thought she meant, she didn't mean what she actually said. It must have been very upsetting for you and your husband though, I'm sorry.

Pico2 · 26/03/2015 23:52

My DD is 4. A few months ago, after being asked to do something she didn't want to do, she gave me a filthy look. When I asked her why she said, "I'm thinking of ways to kill you". I don't think it is over sensitive to find that sort of thing upsetting, I did and don't have your circumstances.

Other posters are right, children of this age can both be fascinated by death and also not really grasp it. We had a look at a cemetery this week (as you do) and DD asked whether the gravel filled rectangles over some of the graves were so that the buried people could breathe. I explained that dead people don't breathe, but she really didn't get it. It's really hard to even try to work out what they understand as bits seem so contradictory. And in some ways, children can only really clarify their understanding by trying out their ideas in conversation. At least that is what my mum said when DD told me (entirely fictitiously) this week that, very sadly, one of her nursery workers had died.

To answer your question, I think it is completely normal.

BertieBotts · 26/03/2015 23:57

Oh ouch. That must have been painful.

I will echo others, though. They really don't get it at that age, even if they have experienced death. They are too young to really comprehend "forever". If you think about it, their oldest memory is probably a year or two old? A year or two is nothing. I haven't seen my best friend in longer. It's as difficult for them to comprehend as it would be for us to comprehend how long it would feel to live for 1000 years.

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