Traumatic preschool drop offs. Advice, stories and reassurance needed!

[Mrsfrumble]

Please! Feeling rather at the end of my rope with DS.

He's 4. He started preschool in December - 3 days a week from 9-2.30 - and has been fine so far. At the end of Feb we travelled back to the UK for 2 weeks to visit families and he missed 2 weeks of school. On the week we arrived back school was closed 2 out of 3 days because of snow. The week after that he went for 2 days and all was well, then on his last day things started to go wrong. After a fractious walk to school (he was playing up and whining, I was exhausted and impatient) he had a huge meltdown after I dropped him off, screaming, crying and lashing out. His teacher, having never seen him behave like that before, assumed he must be ill and called me to collect him after 30 minutes.

Last week school was closed for spring break. Yesterday morning - his first day back - he announced he didn't want to go. When we arrived he started to cry and lay in the floor, refusing to get up. He was screaming by the time his teacher picked him up and carried him in to the classroom. When I went to Collect him his teacher had left early for day. The head teacher was supervising the class so I asked her how long he'd taken to settle. She told me that he's calmed down eventually, but only after he'd thrown two chairs and had to be removed from the classroom . I was mortified! He does sometimes throw things at home when he's very angry and upset, but never anything big and he always gets sent to his room.

This morning he announced again that he wasn't going. Lots of crying and pleading at home, and then screaming and sobbing and being carried in by his teacher when we arrived.

I know it's probably just a phase but I don't know what the heck to do while it lasts. When I ask DS why he doesn't like school anymore he tells me strange things like : "the teachers set booby traps and trap me in a cage"

I find it so upsetting and embarrassing to drop him off when he's behaving like this, and I'm worried he'll get a bad reputation or even excluded from the school for lashing out and throwing things.

He's always been very highly strung and volatile. He tantrums much less than he did, but doesn't seem anywhere near growing out of them yet. We don't give in to him, but anything being not exactly as he wanted or expected can set him off - he seem so sad and angry and completely unable to control his emotions.

Please help

Are you able to stay with him for a while? Ds1 (who has been in nursery then preschool since he was 9mo) suddenly backtracked at 3.5. I had to stay for 20-30 mins until he had got "into playing" and was them happy for me to go
They are trying out boundaries and getting more aware of surroundings so my (uneducated) guess is your Ds is really unsure about what is happening
Hth

I had to stay for 2-3 weeks slowly reducing time until I can now do fairly quick handover

Thanks Choco. It's good to know he's not the first preschooler to regress after a good start!

As I mentioned, DS is quite rigid so I think missing so much school has upset his equilibrium. He's home now and I had a chat with his teacher at pick up which has made me feel better. She's a treasure; very experienced and calm, and her recommendation is no cuddling once inside the school building (so he can't cling at the classroom door) and to get out fast, even if he's screaming.

She didn't mention the chair throwing, so maybe the school are less bothered about it than me! I'm still in shock, but when I told DH about it last night he didn't seem surprised or upset either.

In an effort to get DS out of the house this morning I told him that if he could be brave and calm about school we could go to the drugstore on the way home and buy a small a Lego set that he wants. Obviously that didn't work, but he does not seem to understand why he can't still have the Lego! I've explained that we can try again tomorrow, but he still cry all the way home like it was the end of the world! The same often happens when we try and implement consequences for bad behaviour, like putting him in his room, confiscating a toy or leaving if we're in a cafe or the library or somewhere. He just does not seem able to connect his behaviour to the consequences, however much we warn / explain and however consistent we are. Surely he should be getting it by now?

Do you ever catch him being good? Find something he is good at and praise him again and again, focus on his good points. Dont make a big deal when he gets it wrong he will feel really bad. School is exhausting. All this 'warning' and 'consequences' and being 'brave' sounds a bit victorian to me for a 4 yr old, and hard work for you!. What about 'fun' and spontaneous rewards/cuddles for just being lovely. Give him chance to do something positive, i used to get my little ones to help empty dishwasher from this age, but it could be any simple task. Follow the teachers advice about getting him into school, if he genuinely finds it really stressful a potential reward 4 hours later may not help.
If he does something wrong perhaps just tell him it was wrong you dont have to always punish him as well. Perhaps your disapproval will be enough to stop him doing it again. This may be a cultural difference in approach but I think for some kids, specially if they are rigid or anxious, the more patient gentle approach works better, and perhaps your child is one of these. Like you I never found artificial consequences and banishing to bedroom etc was any use with my children, only real consequences, e.g. you will be cold if you dont put on coat, hungry if dont eat, tired if dont go to bed.

Thanks FastForward. I think because DS is my oldest and has always been very articulate for his age I forget how little he really is, and maybe do have too high expectations sometimes.

That said, I think there are some behaviors that don't have "natural consequences", such a hitting or pushing his little sister. He doesn't seem to care if he hurts her or makes her cry, but I feel like we need to come down hard on it so that's the main reason he gets sent to his room.

And yes, we do praise good behaviour. He gets cuddled to bits, however he behaves!

Aw, that's so hard on you and your wee one. Tbh, and this may not be for you, we just didn't send our second to preschool as he hated it . He just went straight to school at 5, quite happily. I don't think it's worth it. And I don't think you have to 'never give in', , there's a middle ground somewhere. he's trying to tell you something. He doesn't know how.

Do you think this is about leaving you or where he is?

My Ds has had seperation issues and they are always worse after we have spent time together. I found telling him times I had thought about him , telling him I would think about him..Reassuring him it was ok to not think about me because he was having fun.

A friend of mine offered a reward of time on tablet for her DS who was doing similar with a childminder. It worked after a few weeks. Rewards need to be something sustainable maybe a sticker chart with a comic at the end of the week.

Does he tantrum at home? Are they this bad ?

I wish I knew! He was happy until the week before last. When he started it seemed the best thing for all of us. He'd been at home with me and his little sister since we moved here, and with no nearby family, few friends and no toddler groups we were all going slightly crazy! DH and I agreed that he needed some more structure, stimulation and social interaction, and I needed some breathing space.

Until the end of last month it was working beautifully and DS was very proud to tell his grandparents that he was big boy who went to school. He really did seem to be benefitting and his teacher was pleased with how well he'd settled in. I don't want to take him out or move him elsewhere. Next week I was planning to enroll him for the Pre-Kindergarten class for the next academic year. He would be starting Reception in September if we were in the UK, and as we're planning on returning in time for to start year 1 I don't want him to be behind (although school here is optional until 5 or 6).

He does have tantrums at home. Less than he used to, but still pretty spectacular. I was hoping he'd outgrow them and learn to deal with dissapointment but he doesn't seem to be there yet.

I should add that he would run excitedly in to his classroom without even saying goodbye before! He doesn't show any separation anxiety anywhere else either.