3 year old not listening

[98percentchocolate]

DP and I are absolutely at the end of our tether with DD not listening to instructions - from small things like not picking up toys when asked, to big things such as moving a chair when asked not to and dropping it on her toe (she was fine luckily). She starts nursery imminently and I'm concerned that she will get herself into trouble if she doesn't start doing as she is instructed.
We've tried telling her offer and punishing her by removing toys, praising when she listens, rewarding listening, taking her to several groups a week in a bid to improve it by watching her peers (which helped a little at first but still hasn't sorted it).
Any ideas?

*off not offer - bloody autocorrect!

If you'd started a thread saying 'three year old ever listens' I would've said you had a weirdo.

Counting (can you do it before I count to three..) sometimes works. Marble jars for good listening has been effective here, as has asking 'what did I just ask you to do?' As it forces them to acknowledge your existence.

I don't know what the developmental advantage of not listening is but there must be one that happens at about 3!!

Are you sure she's hearing you? Have you had her hearing tested recently? Might be worth doing it, if not.

If you know that her hearing is fine then it could just be a case of getting her attention before you speak to her. Say her name, get eye contact and then make your request. If you already do this, to no avail, its entirely possible that she's just being a difficult 3-year-old. I have one of those - he takes delight in defying any kind of instruction - it drives me round the bend. I'm hoping that he will improve with age

Sorry, no sage advice as we're sailing the same boat but I was on a thread recently you may wish to search for - how to talk so children listen and listen so they talk.

Does she hear instructions that she wants to hear? Like 'go and eat the chocolate coin on the kitchen counter'? If not, then definitely get her hearing tested - even a small hearing loss can affect someone's ability to realise they are being spoken to when they're not expecting it IYSWIM.

If there is no hearing issue, then this is what I do with my stubborn 3 yo - get down to her level, look her in the eye, say the instruction very clearly. It works about 1 in 3 times

She's 3..... 3 year olds are very much in the now and can get absorbed in what they're doing...

So I wouldn't worry.

Have you had her hearing tested? Could be glue ear etc.

Otherwise, this is I am afraid normal and you should expect it to continue for many more years.

Thanks everyone. Definitely no problems with hearing - this is a child who can hear the biscuit tin being opened from the other side of the house, with a tv on in a room in between, and the biscuit tin being wrapped in a kitchen towel to muffle the sound before opening (Yes, I actually tried that once - I like my biscuits )
I think it is definitely selective hearing but after having a Google I think there are a few other things we can do, like getting her to repeat things back to us when we ask to make sure she is listening, making sure we reward good listening with the actual words "good listening", which I don't think we were doing consistently before.
Good to know my 3 year old isn't the only stubborn one though!
ASAS will have a look for that - thank you.

Seriously think you are expecting a lot of a three year old.

Try to only ask her to do things that she will be HAPPY to do, and avoid the things which, in most children, will result in a negative response.

When it is time to 'pack toys away' or go to bed, give her an adequate warning ahead of the deadline.

If she has a favourite doll or teddy, try communicating with DD via the toy.

This may seem as if you are pandering too much to her desires, but that may be preferable to sanctions or creating conflict. And as Iggly says, in a way, at that age they can't help it.

My 3 year log is exactly the same!

Firstly I have a three and a half year old and he is very similar! I read that because they are small the get used to conversations happening over their heads so learn to zone out, so if you want them to heAr something get down to their level, make eye contact and then say what you need them to hear.
I also think the not hearing sometimes happens when they are really absorbed in something, which of course can mean they are busy learning, which surely is a good thing.
I agree with pp re warnings about things that are about to happen, eg we are going in for dinner in five minutes etc...

DP and I have just LoLed loudly at this. Have 3.3yo DD2. We sympathise, and will keep watching for the magic solution

Connect before you direct - ie get down to their level, make eye contact and then say "clean up time now". Don't shout instructions randomly across a room, my DH does this all the time with our 2 yo so pointless.

Give warnings and count downs 5 mins till we have to go etc.

Take their hand and lead them to the table/toliet/door/car rather than calling them from a distance.

Use 1,2,3 magic but only for stop behaviour, it doesn't work for start behaviour.

Make things fun or a race, "who can clean up the toys fastest"

Join in and show them what to do, don't just say tidy up and then leave the room expecting them to comply.

Using some or all of these tactics will make things much easier, at the moment you are expecting too much of her and making things a battle.

I have this with ds (3.5). Often I say "please look at me so I know you've heard me" which means I know he's actually heard me rather than is in his own little 3yr old world!

Getting down on his level & using a quiet voice works much better than talking loudly at him too.