Dd is in pre-school for mornings along with 2 other girl friends. One of these started saying "I don't want to play with you any more" and "I'm not your friend any more" to my dd and running off etc. At the time her mum was told by the nursery it was a normal phase and they all go through it, just don't draw attention to it and it will go away. However dd then told me the same girl said she was fat and had big ears. I told the nursery of this, said it didn't seem to have affected their friendship (i'm aware they are still friends and play together despite all of this) but asked them to keep an eye on it. They seemed surprised (even though her mum has told me they have spoken to her about her saying things to other children) and said they would keep an eye on it. I told dd to play with other people and ignore her if she said similar again. I think this worked.
FFWD 4 months and now it is my dd saying this to girl #2, but while smiling and laughing. It's as if she thinks it is a game - she has said it in front of me and #2's mum so clearly doesn't think it is naughty. I asked her to tell me how she felt when girl #1 said this to her, and if she thought it was a nice thing to say or a nasty thing to say. She said nasty, so I said exactly, and now I think you have hurt #2's feelings and should apologise, which she did and they carried on playing. I haven't heard it since.
However, now girl #2 has started teasing dd by taking her favourite toys/her food/drink and holding them out of her reach and saying "X, do you really really want this toy?" dd nods "well you can't have it" and snatches it away. She will do this many times in a row. Dd eventually walks away and ignores it and has never actually cried or got upset, so I didn't think it was a problem. However having witnessed it perhaps 3 times before and then seeing a prolonged session of it at my house I started to realise it isn't going to stop. As her mum didn't step in I decided to tell #2 that it was mean and teasing isn't something we do to friends. I gave the example that if she did that to a dog it would bite her, so she shouldn't do it as it is called teasing. This girl is also very quick to cry and take offence, even if none was meant for eg dd was chatting in the car saying "you are your size and I am my size" and #2 said "what do you mean?" dd will say "you are small and I am bigger" - literally saying what she sees. #2 will then cry out to her mum that "she is saying I am SMALL mummy!" and starts to cry. Rather than explaining that we are all different sizes and learning what tall/short/big/small is part of their stages at this age, her mum immediately became very defensive and said "oh that is not nice, why would you say that? Ignore her if she is saying negative things" ! I don't think my dd was actually saying anything negative, merely descriptive? She is pointing out fat/thin people in the street and I saw it as a continuation of that. I said as much to #2's mum and told her dd that I don't think it was meant nastily. At the time I thought #2's mum is setting her up for having issues if she jumps to the negative and gets defensive. I now can't tell if I am being blinkered and this bickering/teasing/name calling behaviour is concerning me a little. Does anyone have similar experience? Is there usually a knock on effect? I don't want my dd to start witholding other children's toys and teasing but fear that will be next as they all seem to copy each other at the moment. Any tips? Sorry for long post, it all seems so petty!