DS 2.1 not saying a word at nursery - can I help his emerging shyness?

[GoodGriefCharlieBrown]

DS talks constantly at home, and with family members he knows well. He will also talk to us when we are out and about in public. I can't count the amount of words he has, but it ranges from all the fruit/veg he eats/sees in the supermarket, his clothes, things like door, window, tree, bus, etc, and is starting to link words so will say "mummy's car", "on floor" and when he does his alphabet puzzle he'll see the letter T and say trousers or see the letter F and say frog then "ribbet". So, I don't think he is behind.

However, at nursery he has never, ever spoken. If they are doing some sort of group activity he will be happy enough to watch but won't really join in unless one of the carers sits with him on his own and does the activity. They have said they have no worries about his wellbeing - he is always smiling and laughing and will play (on his own) and is very affectionate, but it does look as though he's displaying distinct signs of shyness.

Both me and DH are pretty reserved so it's not really a shock that he isn't a party animal but is there anything I can do to try and build his confidence? I do wonder if a lot of it is because of they way me and DH behave - life isn't too great at the moment so I'm probably avoiding social situations even more than normal. For example the other day we were at the park and a group of young mums turned up, so we left - if there had just been one I would have stayed and maybe struck up conversation but I just felt a bit 'crowded' by a group so off we went. I didn't think much of it at the time, but maybe he's starting to take that in and using my example for himself.

So do I need to become braver and start showing him that interacting with people is actually a nice thing to do, in the hope that it makes him feel better about being in group situations? We don't got to any kind of 'groups' as both me and DH work full time, but I've never even taken him to a soft play type place at the weekend, or is it more important that he sees US being friendly with strangers - leading by example and all that?

Sorry, didn't expect it to be so long so thanks for getting to the end!

As long as he is happy at nursery, and isn't sitting in a corner crying or anything like that, I don't think you should lose any sleep over it!

I worked twenty-five years in primary schools, including in the nursery sometimes. All children vary, and develop at different rates, acquire different skills and have different personalities.

I don't know where this to be 'shy' is almost a sin has come from. If he is still not contributing or joining in by Year 3, then - Yes, look into it. Meanwhile, leave him to be the person he wants to be, and don't try to make him into a carbon-copy of everyone else.

I agree that you should let him be, he is only very little and needs time to build his confidence.

However I do think it would be worth asking the nursery not to try to force him to speak as that can lead to big problems.

If they are relaxed and include him without presurising him he will speak when he is ready.

Good luck

Thanks for your replies. I don't see being reserved as a sin at all - I'm perfectly happy with my personality and chose someone just as quiet to get hitched to! I guess it's more a case of him being so loud and confident with us (before we even leave nursery building) but being silent and holding back while there. The nursery are great - they create smaller groups for activities that he is more likely to join in with or his key carer will stay with him and they will askhim things but never more so than the other kids so it's not something they are focusing on as a 'problem' at all.

Believe me I am not interested in making him conform or be a carbon copy - it's not the way I am and if anything I get criticism about not conforming - I just want to make sure I'm doing all I can to make sure he's confident to be who he wants to be.

My DD was like this, to the extent the nursery asked if I had considered getting her therapy for speech delays. She is still more confident in small groups of known people, but her confidence has definitely grown with age and at 5 she is happy to talk in school (once she settled in!) and with adults she doesn't know (when I'm with her). Give it time, he'll get there I suspect.

I was like you described as a kid. I think I could have used a little help socializing with the other kids and I think what my parents could have done was help me to get to know one or two of the other kids outside as friends.

Sorry! I didn't mean to suggest shyness was a 'sin' for you, or that you would put those pressures on him. I'll try and choose my words more carefully in future.

But often on MN there can seem to be parents or staff who want a child to 'conform' to what to other people consider to be the 'norm'.

Sorry if I offended, and I'm sure he will be just fine in the long run.

My dd was exactly the same at nursery. I think nursery thought she couldn't speak!! She's 2.5 now and has come out of her shell a little bit. She'll never be the loudest but neither are/were i or my DP so I'm trying not to worry about it too much. I have often wondered if she has got it from me and DP. I remember being perfectly happy to play on my own at school.

Hi Ferguson - you didn't offend me! You are right though in that being quiet is often seen as something that needs to be fixed. I suppose it's the contrast in his behaviour on different environments that I was slightly concerned with - for me it's about the difference between being quiet because you're perfectly happy to do so and being quiet because you're too scared to speak up/join in and obviously I don't want it to be the latter.

Although I am happy being quiet most of the time I can be a bit of a scaredy cat at times especially if feeling down so I'm aware of how that CAN have a negative impact on life. I do also tend to overthink and get anxiety so it sounds from all the above that it's something else I need to try and relax about!

I think I could have written the OP a couple of years ago - DS was happy / chatty at home, but quite quiet at pre-school. We tried not to label him as 'shy' (although sometimes it helped to get random people to back off a bit). And DH and I are pretty quiet too, so we're happy with the idea of him being quiet if that's who he is.

We can see him changing now at 4.5 though - he's gaining confidence at school, if we're in cafés etc. DH and I joke that we preferred it when he was peeking out from behind our legs (we didn't really ).

So it's hard to tell right now where his natural personality will settle. I don't want to label him as shy. He's still not keen on taking part in some things though - organised party games etc. We just try to encourage him as much as possible (eg getting him to say please / thank you in cafés, or to pay if he's comfortable to). We don't make him do anything that he's not comfortable to do.

Lots of luck OP. I know that it's hard not to compare your DC to others. But I bet they'll surprise you one day.

And just to add, I used to force myself to go to baby groups etc. God, it was awful . It's just not the sort of situation that I feel comfortable in. So, I think it's important to model positive interactions with others (shopkeepers, waiting staff, friends etc), but you'll be able to do that more naturally in situations that you feel comfortable in.

I would say to leave him be.

My DS was like this, really chatty at home but quiet at nursery.

A few months later he came out of his shell, and hasn't looked back.