Nearly 4 year old says she doesn't want to grow up and won't use potty/toilet!

[puddymuddles]

DD1 will be 4 next month. She has settled in well at nursery (goes 3 afternoons a week) and is sociable, quite advanced verbally and developing normally in all ways....except for one problem. Since she was about two and a half and could talk about her feelings properly she has been telling me 'I want to stay smaller'/'I don't want to be bigger'. When asked why she just says 'bigger is horrible' and 'I want DD2 to grow up on her own'

Now this would be fine but she refuses to go to the toilet/potty and insists on wearing a nappy. I can see she knows when she is doing a poo/wee but says she doesn't want to use the toilet and wants to wear a nappy always!

Last summer I did get her into knickers and she did some wees on the toilet and a poo on the floor then refused to continue longer and had a major tantrum until i put her back in a nappy. I have tried a number of times since then and the same thing has happened.

The nursery keyworker says DD1 is a lovely little girl, very good verbally for her age and developing normally in other ways too - she suggested I take her to the GP and ask to be referred to a paediatrician who may refer her to a child psychologist. Another lady from the nursery says it is too early to do this and just to give her more time and try again this Summer with the toilet training.

I have a DD2 (aged 2) and expecting DC3 in June so I do need to get this problem sorted!

DD1 is due to start reception this Sept - what do you all think I should do? Bribery does not work on her - I have tried it.

Having worked over twenty years in primary schools, as Teaching Assistant, I always like to think there is a REASON why children behave in certain ways, and that if only one can fathom out what the reason is, it can go a long way towards accepting, containing or modifying the behaviour.

So, I feel you need to try and think back to her development during the past four years, and how she has been at each stage. Has anything changed (other than the arrival of DD2) that could have unsettled or worried her? If you can review each stage, there may be clues to find. So, for now, be a detective and see if that gets us anywhere.

Hi Puddymuddles
A few years ago my health visitor gave me some handouts and included was a leaflet book called something like ' poo goes to poo land' i thought it was pretty funny at the time. Anyway when it came to toilet train my toddler he was pretty resistant, so one day i decided to read him this story. Well it had a quite an impact and proved the breakthrough we needed.
I don't know if the 'book' is still available but worth asking about... it's written by Psychologists and it really did help us.

Good luck

Yes, mr poo goes to pooland. Worked wonders for my DS, it's on YouTube.

Hi stormy and firstposts I will definitely look at Mr Poo! DD loves to make jokes about poo (as I suppose most her age do). Maybe it will help.

Ferguson nothing has happened except DD2s arrival and of course she knows DC3 will be here soon. One of the ladies at the nursery suggested that as she sees younger siblings coming along she feels it is more fun to be a baby. She does get lots of attention though and I feel I make more fuss over her as she is my first child.

I am intending to try to train her and DD2 very soon at the same time and see if this has any effect. DD2 is the opposite of DD1 and her favourite phrase is 'do it SELF!' so maybe this will do the trick.

Thanks for the replies - I wasn't sure if ANYONE would reply to this as it seems such an odd problem.

Definitely not an odd problem. If it helps my DS has a thing about not wanting to be a big boy. Every time we measure him on the wall chart he cries, last time he was sobbing 'my legs are too long, make them shorter!'

'firstposts' how old is your DS? DD also hates it when she has grown out of an item of clothing and also when (well meaning) people say she is getting to be a big girl now!

I think the 'odd' problems are probably the interesting ones!

I'll come back, in a day or two.

My DS is 4 in August, but the 'don't want to be big' has been going in since about 3 I think? He has got a younger brother who arrived when he was 2. It's a bit odd, but hopefully he'll grow out of it!