pooing in pants. Please help!!

[Misty9]

Ds, 3.6, has been in pants since about 3.2 and initially did well with potty training, progressing to the toilet and pooing in it. Then, two months ago he started pooing in his pants, pretty much every day - sometimes 2-3 times.

we're looking into possible reasons for it but, in the immediate term I need to find some way of dealing with it better. I know I should respond in a matter of fact way and not make a drama of it - but it drives me bloody mental!

Today, after taking him for a wee, he pooed himself literally 2 minutes later. I was livid and really struggled not to show it. He says he doesn't know why it happens/he does it.

Please help me not get so angry :( he doesn't tell us if he's done it and I know he won't if he thinks he'll get in trouble. Any useful tips?

I should add that we were out when he did it today and it meant we were rushing to get home since I spent so long cleaning him up.

My DS poos his pants and is now 5. Pretty much every single time. He is just beginning to turn the corner. We took him to the doctor ages ago and she was so aghast at the thought of a kid doing this that I felt like crap and she told me to make him sit on the loo until he does it. Not really practical...we'd have been there for days!
After trying many things, reward charts, presents, stickers etc...we took him to another doctor before Christmas and he explained the problem much better. Basically if they hold their poo in, eventually they can't feel it the need to go or it coming out. He prescribed laxatives so that DS couldn't hold it in and now he is starting to feel the need to go. We have more success if he is at home and we ask him to take his pants off.
I have had plenty times when I'd have been cross with him, and thought he was being lazy/didn't care but I see now that he couldn't help it. (although he'd quite happily sit in it which I found worse, but their noses get used to the smell and cant smell it either.)
Clean it up quietly, take spares everywhere. We taught DS how to clean himself and what to do with the pants, but this was just my way not to get too cross!
Maybe ask the doctor for help. Our new one was really supportive even drawing pictures for DS.

Hi Misty, I just wanted to let you know that I was in your position a year ago. My DS poo'd in his pants for about 10 months. I was tearing my hair out. He always did it at home so it seemed he had some control. One day he did a poo in his pants at nursery. The teachers cleaned him up etc but he really didn't like this. From then on he started going to the toilet with only the odd accident and now he's great. Not sure if this will help you but just wanted you to know that there IS hope. Keep strong and it will work out.

Thank you both - although I have just cried a bit at the thought of this going on for many months, let alone YEARS!!! How did you cope fondant ?!!

That's the main question we have: does he know if he needs to go. After today I think he does: sat on sofa watching ipad; I walk into room and he's stood up with legs apart having weed and pooed himself. He said he got off the sofa and did it. So he knows, surely? What do you think? It was a formed poo too, not a mushy job. Sigh. I just cleaned him up and asked why he didn't ask to go to the toilet.

We're going to revert to having the potty around and see if that helps. We also introduced a sticker chart this morning and he had several meltdowns when he couldn't do a poo while weeing - so I thought he'd be desperate to do it on the toilet!

my dd did this for months. she was dry but would/could not tell me a poo was coming. Again, it would generally happen at home and started to be about the same time of day. I kept her very regular. ..lots of fruit..then we got into a habit of her sitting on the potty in front of cbeebies for 10mins after lunch. She started regularly pooing on the potty really quickly and we praised her lots, had a special poo dance and everything..the works . After doing this for some time (don't freak. ..but it was probably about 3months!) we were going on holiday and decided the potty wasn't coming too, we explained she'd have to poo in the loo and she did, we haven't had accident since, the potty was hidden as soon as we got home and we haven't looked back. Get him regular then get him to sit on the potty in front of the tv.

Argh!!!! He's now wetting himself too. It's now sit on the toilet/potty every 30 minutes, and no ipad until he's done a poo on there. And a new sofa once this stage is over for two kids!

But we're really making this up as we go along. He pooed whilst with grandad this week and apparently laughed while being cleaned up. Grandad not impressed. Do we say no grandad days until he starts pooing in the toilet?? that may punish me more than him..

I had this with DS2 until he started reception and he relapsed when out of routine (always on holiday without fail) until he was 6/7.

We tried all sorts of "strategies" but TBH I don't think any of them helped and many probably made it worse.

"in the immediate term I need to find some way of dealing with it better"

I have only two pieces of advice :

• Don't let his toileting become him. There's a danger that the difference between a good and a bad day is simply whether he used the toilet properly and all the amazing things he's achieved in other ways get forgotten and/or go unnoticed.

-Buy lots of cheap pants and throw the soiled ones away, especially when you're out and about.

my dd would always wet herself when she needed to poo, she'd happily go to the loo for just a wee but didn't want to poo in the loo so would hold on and not go till she wet herself, a couple of wet accidents would then be followed by a poo accident. try not to get him to sit trying for too long, its not good for him to strain when he is not feeling the need to go. is there a time of day it happens regularly? like after a meal or a bath? If so then give him the ipad on the loo for 5mins. However, has he got a kids toilet seat? my dd couldn't poo sitting on ours as her feet were dangling and she needed her knees up higher than her hips. ...hence we used the potty for poos, but you could try a high step for his feet?

I had this with DS 2. With him it was actually down to being constipated (the opposite of what I originally thought may have been the cause!). Basically he wasn't fully emptying his bowel if he did go on the toilet and then we'd get the inevitable poo in the pants later (often multiple times). Google "sneaky poo" - might not be the same issue with your little one but it was useful inmy case.

My DD did this last summer. Mastered weeing straight away but would only poo in knickers. Cheap pants helped my frustration. As did focusing on other things - she could have spent all day on the loo but pooed in the 2 mins she was off it. We found having her in no pants / knickers helped (the extra pairs were for the childminder). Good luck!

You need this book www.eric.org.uk/Shop/product/20

Have a look at the eric website and if necessary go to your GP. The longer it goes on for, the longer it takes to fix. Do a search for some of the constipation threads in mumsnet - it's a more common problem than you think, and hard to deal with.

Thanks. love that's exactly us - he could be taken to the toilet every 5min and still poo himself. Like today. We noticed today that he's hiding to poo, like he did when wearing nappies, so we think he knows when he needs to go. He's just choosing to do it in his pants.

I've wondered about impaction/constipation etc, but he's always been a 1-2 times a day poos and that's not changed. Taking water away overnight hasn't made a discernible difference either.

I guess we just have to keep cleaning him up without comment. It's just so bloody frustrating! I have at least bought cheap pants today.

Hello Misty.

Our DD1 toilet trained just before she turned 3 and mastered poos for a while but then had similar problems to your DS. She turned out to be a withholder. She did a poo or two every day but was still constipated and impacted. The Anthony Cohn book saved me from going insane after years of dirty and wet pants. DD1 has not long turned 7 and is now fine with poos, but it took a long time to get there.

I am convinced that I didn't handle it all very well and that contributed to DD1s problems. Please don't punish your DS it won't solve the problem.

Push for a referral to get him checked for impaction as the long it goes in diagnosed the longer it will take to resolve. It took us the best part of 3 years. I should have bought a pants factory!

Thank you soup that's helpful. I've just ordered that book too.

We are trying really hard not to punish him, it's just so frustrating. I'm taking him to the doctor this week about this issue - any tips on what to say to be taken seriously? I know from reading threads on here that it can be an uphill battle...

We also seem to be getting reward incentives wrong - he's just getting obsessed with the reward and I'm worried he's straining when he doesn't need a poo. Not that the idea of the reward stops him having accidents...

Rewards didn't work for us either because they can't help the poos sneaking out. No amount of rewards makes any difference.

What worked for us was getting medication levels right after a complete clear out and a toilet routine but it took years.

Good luck and remember to be kind to yourselves. Wine, lots of it.

Misty,
I was in your position over a year ago and now I feel like we are seeing light at the end of this tunnel. My DS is 5.5 years
First - go to GP , get him check for constipation / withholding (my son was going every day but still constipated... he actually needed to go twice a day!)
My son was put on Movicol, which helped... but the key was to get and change his behaviour
So after weeks on movicol we implemented reward and consequences, tried a lot of rewards until we found the one that really motivated him: a coin if he sat and poo in toilet, took out the coin and made him wash his pants if he soiled... but to do this we had to give him a good clean with movicol first
it took months...
then we started rewarding "two coins" if he actually told us he needed toilet
I told him he knew when he needed, as he used to hide, so I told him when he felt his tummy funny he should ran to the toilet / ask for help
now reward is football collectable cards, we change rewards all the time to keep him motivated
He can now tell us and go to toilet by himself! but we keep the reward/consequences as we want to make sure good behaviour is engrained.
Dr Anthoby Cohn has a very good book on the topic, google it. Also he sees children in clinic near London, we took DS there and he helped us to see and put the plan that worked for us.
Good luck, you are not alone! keep strong and firm

Thanks for your reply; its probably too early to get excited, but we've had a breakthrough this past week by changing two things:

1. Dh gets ds on the loo first thing when he wakes, and he poos!!!
2. We were standing over ds when he used the toilet - so we changed to leaving him to it. And he hasn't wet himself since :)

The cohn book arrived yesterday so I'll look through it - but I cancelled the docs appt as things were hugely improved just watch, it'll all go tits up now

Only time will tell. Oh, and he's finding his star chart more of an incentive too.