Hitting/pushing/scratching 2yr old - nearly cried at nursery pick up today

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My DS has been going through a phase of hitting/scratching other children and us. We thought it would pass but seems to be lasting a while! We don't know what else to do to stop this so would appreciate some advice.

The scratching thing has been going on for months now but is sporadic. The pushing thing has become a real problem recently and this week at nursery has been awful. 4 time outs yesterday at nursery and today he had scratched another boy by the eye (along with all the pushing). Previous to that its been day after day of pushing. Nursery are saying they don't know what else to do. When he gets told off he apparently just looks at them.

At home, we have tried/are doing time outs; stern no's; loud no's; 'evil voice' no's; no thank you's; being put down if being carried at the time; saying that's a bad thing to do; encouraging saying sorry; saying to be a nice boy and play nice etc when going to nursery.

What else can we do? Nursery are obviously fed up of his behaviour and his behaviour is making me feel like a bad parent

This might be a silly question but have you seen any pattern to it - is your lo doing it when bored, feeling threatened or something else? Please don't feel like a bad parent - it sounds like you're doing everything you can. Unfortunately, it does sound like it's become a 'thing' and unlike some stuff (food refusal etc) I know you can't try to ignore it as its affecting other kiddies. My friend had a similar problem with her dd and bought a book by Super Nanny that she swears by for its realistic advice. It sounds like you're taking every action you can - maybe focusing on everything good he does, and really playing up the sharing/hugging/loving stuff might show him how good praise can feel. It sounds just like my dd when you say he just looks at them when told off. My dd just looks defiant or bored in response to being told off. Wishing you lots of luck.

tbh it worries me somewhat that nursery are 'at a loss' at how to deal with a 2yo. Have you spoken to the nursery manager properly about this, and putting a joint plan into place? I really dislike the 'child did x, y, z' conversations at pickup. It's pointless as he's too young to talk to hours later and it just makes you feel bad. Why are they 'telling him off' if it makes no difference?

What about a sticker chart - ha can get a sticker every so often when he has been behaving well. Say ifyou cut his day into x bits fir ex:
Drop off to breakfast
Breakfast to firts outdoor play
Playtime to lunch
Lunch to end of nap time
Naptime to second outdoortime
Playtime to snack time
Snack time to pick up time.
These are short time periods he could get a sticker for each one of them. And gradually you could increase the lenghy.
Worth a try
My children would do ANYTHING for a sticker

I would do anything for a sticker haha.

I like the sticker idea a lot - but I'm not sure he would get the idea iyswim? I might have to wait until he's a bit older for something like that as i don't think he would umderstand the concept of good behaviour = sticker - unless I'm not giving him enough credit??

I'd be concerned about the nursery tbh. Lots of 2yo children are, at times, violent little shits (sorry, no offence but I have one myself). I cannot believe that they've never experienced this before nor can think of strategies to stop it.

My own young terrorist went through a violent phase and nursery were amazing. Of course I was mortified, but we discussed strategies regularly and backed up strategies at home, so everything was consistent. They completely rearranged the routine and size of the group she was in to make managing her behaviour easier for them and to minimise the risk to other children, it really worked. I'm so proud of her as she is apparently now the model child at nursery and no longer requires any special treatment at all. I cannot put into words how grateful I am to the nursery for seeing past her problems and for doing everything they did to manage and improve it.

Sorry but your nursery sounds crap.

Wow cannot believe the folks slagging off the nursery. Why not just hand over all responsibility for parenting your child to a bunch of 18-20 year olds on minimum wage? After all you pay them, that's your job done. Go you! I think if a childcare provider is finding your child is causing problems for the safety and wellbeing of others, expecting them to do all the work in that busy setting, while relinquishing what you can do at home with the luxury of one to one attention, is really lame. I imagine they've tried their easy solutions already.... And unlike previous posters I think having to totally reevaluate all of their dealings in one of their rooms to accommodate one particular child is utterly mortifying rather than brilliant. Bet they luff that kid...

Nice!

Where did I say I handed over responsibility? We worked together to get my DC through a tough phase, I think I made that clear in my post. Nursery workers are professionals who I would expect to be able to handle 2yos going through difficult phases. I'm sure they were irritated by having to accommodate my child's specific needs for a short time, but that's what all childcare settings should do, including SAHMs, so wind your neck in.

Not all of us have the option of being SAHMs and your attitude is tiresome.

Um I'm not a sahm. Where do I say I am? Think your own neuroses just ran away with themselves there. But you can use a childcare provider and still parent. I think in a childcare setting with 30 plus kids and they have to rejig everything for one, the problem is not with the childcare setting or the other 29 kids, do you?

Well I inferred from your post that you seem to think putting a child in a nursery and being grateful for their help was relinquishing responsibility for parenting and I have to disagree with you.

There were 6 children in the room and it was for a short period, yes they went above and beyond and I'm hugely grateful for that, I can't believe that you're offended by that. I spent sleepless nights worrying about it and shed tears at times, because of course the problem was my child, I'm under no illusions on that score and how much disruption she caused thank you very much, but my child wasn't the first they've done it for and hasn't been the last. Of course as a parent it's mortifying when your child is "that" child, but adapting a setting to resolve a situation is surely in everyone's interests, if it's possible and reasonable for them to do so.

If the OP's nursery has tried everything they can reasonably do to no avail, then I would expect them to have concerns about his behavioural development and ask to make a referral to health visitors (I have seen this happen with other people's children). OP's nursery doesn't seem to be saying anything constructive. "We don't know what to do" just doesn't cut it for professional child carers. They're not just a bunch of girls on minimum wage, they're also people who have had not-insignificant training in child care, behaviour and development.

Anyway, this thread isn't about me, but OP I stand by my post, I'd be expecting more from the nursery in terms of how to deal with the issue.

Nurseries and parents have to work in partnership involving outside support where needed.

My daughter's key worker is a graduate in her late 20s. Obviously you have a different experience......

Well another crap day at nursery: lots of time out time and his pushing led to the nursery having to fill out 2 accident forms So he obviously hurt them enough to warrant that.

We are thinking that it might be an idea to suggest whether the nursery think it would be beneficial for us to have a meet up to discuss what to do.

I cannot even remember what I was told about the rest of his day as I was too busy trying not to cry in front of them.

I should say that it's not like they are doing nothing. I think that off the cuff remark about not knowing what else to do was more probably to do with the fact that they are doing the same disciplinary things and they at having no effect on improving his behaviour.