How many other 4 year olds refuse to play on their own?

[hollingbury]

Exactly that. I keep thinking he'll get better and start playing more on his own, but it doesn't happen. We try to set him, get him started, use rewards, timers - nothing works. What the are we doing wrong? And what are we to do? He is a really charming, lovely, sociable boy. He's at pre-school. He has lots of friends. We socialise a lot. But I'm so conscious that he just doesn't like time on his own. If we leave him to it, he'll just wander around after us whining. Or lie on the sofa doing fuck all. Honestly. It really gets to me.

Any advice? I feel like we need to give him skills to do this but it's like a brick wall. Plus has no siblings and this won't change.

Mine.

He's a bit younger than yours but sounds very similar. He HATES being in a room alone and will trail along after me if I need to put the washing on / make a drink / go to the loo.

The only thing that he will sometimes do independently is art. But he has to be sat at the kitchen table doing it while I cook next to him, so not really 'alone.'

He's recently got a lot better at interacting with other children on play dates instead of wanting me to play with him so I live in hope!

It can be frustrating but I think it's just his personality. He likes attention the whole time. If we try to talk about mummy needing to leave the room to do something, he gets quite upset and so I just let him come along now to save me and him the stress!

I will be following any suggestions on this thread with interest!!

Oh that's my son to a tee. Except that he is hugely independent when we are out, with other kids. Happy to leave me. Happy to have sleepovers without us. So it's not a clinginess to me, or to my husband (with whom he's close). It's about how he is at home. Nursery say there's no problem, but then, he's surrounded by kids there.

I agree - if we set him up to do some crafts, he's fine for a little bit, but I have to be there next to him cooking.

It is personality, I'm sure. But I feel like I'm failing him; he will need to be on his own during his life, and he will need the skills to cope. I feel like i'm not developing that.

Ironically, I'm very sociable but incredibly space hungry. I love being on my own.

Mine used to be like that too. He started playing alone more by five and at six doesn't want me to play with him any more. So don't worry, it will come.

Is he an only child? I felt very strongly during that stage that my DS would have been so much better off with a sibling and felt extremely guilty about it but again that has mostly passed now and he is okay.

DS has never really been one for imaginative play - he won't set up a scene and act it out. He is better with tasks. Now, he sets up competitions between his cars as to which can launch furthest on a launcher he has, he builds marble runs and lego, he draws, he sticks random things together. He has recently got rid of his farm set and pirate ship out of choice because "I don't really play with that mummy". I showed him how to play Patience (solitaire) with a pack of cards and he happily chips away at that for a while. He had an invisible friend for a while so I used to say why don't you play Uno with your invisible friend and he'd go off and do that. But again this was at five years old, not four. At four it was very hard for him to come up with ideas to entertain himself, unless we set him some kind of challenge or activity or he was interacting with something - a friend, or a screen (he loves computer games to the point we have to limit it although I do think he plays more than other children).

I'm sure he's fine. DS loves the fact he can read now as well, that's another thing he can do on his own. Really these last two years he has blossomed because he can actually set up and follow things through, rather than having to have things set up for him which I think was quite frustrating for him, looking back.

And yes, to add - I had been buying him imaginative toys because those were the toys I liked best as a child, but he doesn't really play with them. Instead what fascinates/works for him are toys which do things. Fart putty, construction type toys, things which come apart and go back together in different ways, stuff that shoots or launches, experiment kits (though they need supervision again), musical instruments, any kind of track which can be put together in various ways (His eyes almost popped out when he encountered a Scalextrix at a friend's house recently). That kind of thing.

Thanks BertieBotts. That's really encouraging to know.

Especially since my husband and I have just had a chat about it and he says he thinks its something we're doing wrong! (SHOCKED FACE). Which I don't really believe - not because I'm not prepared to analyse myself, because I am, but because I think it's personality based.

Anyway, your son sounds like mine. yes, he's a single child. I do feel lots of guilt about that and I have overcompensated by making sure we are all really sociable and having lots of play dates. Maybe that hasn't helped him develop good playing skills...

He is quite imaginative but I think he is more task interested, for sure. Loves 'jobs'. Could happily sit and watch TV for hours but we are really strict about that and we don't have an IPAD but he's be glued to it if we did.

He does love books and I'm excited about him reading (I'm a writer, although you wouldn't guess it from these awful posts!). I think if he learns to read and loves books, he won't be lonely or bored.

Do you still feel guilty about him being a single child? Mine has yet to ask me about it but I suspect it's not far off.

I have a three and a half year old who hates playing in her own. Î know she is still young yet, but I just wanted to come on and say not to beat yourself up about him not having a sibling, mine has an older brother (who loves playing on his own!) and just pesters him to play with her and won't let him get anything done It causes a lot of arguments in our house, especially when she starts taking stuff from him and annoying him to get his attention

Mine didn't really do anything on her own until she was six or so. She wouldn't even go to the loo on her bloody own.

Ds2 has always been like this. Would rather help round the house than play on his own

I don't feel guilty but I feel sad, for me more than him, because I always wanted more than one. I think he will be absolutely fine now he's got over that hump, 3-4 was really hard for him on his own I think. We are getting a dog in the summer partly because we want a dog but partly for someone for him to play with. The reason he doesn't have a sibling is because I broke up with his dad, but I am remarried now and we are getting to the point where we want to TTC but aren't quite there yet. But I don't want to go through the 3-4 stage with an effectively only child again.

And yy DS would rather do jobs and chores than play alone - really weird! DH sets him challenges and he gets all excited!

What does DH think you could do better? Because I worried about it for a while but I couldn't realistically think of anything that I could have done, apart from provide him with a playmate which wasn't possible. And it turns out that the things he likes to do, he just wasn't old enough to do, and he was too old to be enthralled by the things he liked when he was a baby and toddler, when he would often be engrossed in something independently as long as I was nearby.

Right now he says he doesn't want us to have a baby because his friend's baby brother is annoying :) But we can have one "When I'm nearly eight"

All of those toys you suggest, Bertie, are the things we get him. But at the weekend we will be culling and looking again at what he's got. I don't really know what husband thinks we should have done/do. I have asked him to think of a new strategy, based on this thinking, and i'll back him up (although I don't agree). He thinks maybe we've not shown him how to play, got him the right toys - I don't know. I just don't agree. I think he's just not good at initiating play on his own. For whatever reason.

We have a dog - a 10 month old puppy - purely for this reason but he's not that fussed with him. Much better now but he doesn't really play with him. He might be too young.

I felt/feel sad about more children; i had him late (41) because I didn't really know I wanted children. When he arrived I realised I did, but then I have gone into perimenopause very early and fertility is fucked. Now i feel too old to start again with egg donors etc. I think he'd love a sibling. I tell myself there are worse things than being an only child, but every time I see he doesn't like being on his own, I feel like this is tested and it does make me sad (progressively less so, though).

Lots of luck to you, though! Great you've married again. It's so tough bringing up a child on your own

Rotating toys seems to help, when DS looks at everything he gets all overwhelmed but whenever we rearrange his toy shelves, or he has to tidy up he rediscovers something.

I don't think that children need to be taught how to play, it's just what they do if they are left to it if that makes sense. Different kinds of toys might help, but looking back for DS it was that he was not yet old enough to be able to see the whole thing through - set up the task/challenge/experiment, see that through, then finally do it and get lost in it. For ages he would only play with lego with me sat next to him doing every other step and he would only follow the book but the other day he built an entire plane from scratch. He never went through the stage of building random shapes, towers etc, and I despaired for ages but I think maybe he's just a bit of a perfectionist and didn't want to build something until he could build something good

The things he is most interested in are things aimed at children quite a bit older than him, I am often a bit angsty about it because I think he should be able to be six and I felt like DH was pushing him to be older than he wanted to be but now I think I was wrong about that because he is drawn to that stuff. Screen based stuff is massive to him. He plays games but he also does stuff like code writing apps and there's an algebra one called Dragonbox. I am fussy/careful about what games he is allowed to play but Minecraft is positive. But we are a tech heavy household anyway, so he was always going to be exposed to that.

He also loves exploring nature and getting out and doing active, outdoor things. That just requires a bit of effort from me and/or DH :)

Thanks so much. That's really helpful. I really appreciate the time you've taken. You've cheered me up! x

Good :)

WTF is that!! Random!

^spammer reported

Our 4yo prefers not to play alone. He is currently an only too. But perhaps the parents of two or more don't notice that their children don't play alone much, because they don't have to. We notice, because our child wants us to play with them when we could be MNing.
We too are tech fans, BB, and DS certainly is - he is happy playing computer games on his own. But other play - cars on the floor, kitchen play, whatever - he likes company.
He doesn't like being alone. I'm not worried though, he's still so young, I think it's perfectly normal.

Is he an extrovert? Mine is and he hates being in a room on his own (unless watching TV). He has a lovely bedroom with loads of space, a playroom with lots of toys, but he just seems to prefer interacting with people, even if that doesn't involve toys and games. In spring and summer it's fine as we all potter around together doing things outdoors but in winter we are too reliant on TV. He will do things on his own, but they have to be close to us. He loves imaginative play at the moment so providing he is in the same room he will play with his playmobil. Arts and crafts don't hold his attention for long - it has to be stuff he can dismantle and put together differently or role play with.

Yes, I am sure DS is an extrovert. I am, too, except that a young child's company doesn't "fill my social meter" like interaction with adults. That is getting better as he gets older, but I do find his constant need for company very draining. It's given me a new understanding of introverts :)

DS1 has just turned 5 and is still a bit like this. I once mentioned it to a friend who said it was because I had spent too much time playing with him when he was little, whereas she just used to let her (very independent) DS crawl around and bash things with a spoon. She called it "benign neglect" or something. What she didn't seem to grasp was that DS1 had no interest in crawling around bashing things with spoons (he didn't crawl at all!) - he wanted someone to sit with him and read or play cars. All. The. Time.

FWIW DS2 was happy to shuffle around and bash things without much input from me. So I think it's a personality thing rather than a parenting 'fail'!

Anyway, DS1 has got better over time and will now play by himself a bit. But he still prefers one of us to be with him and will happily just lie on the sofa and sing to himself rather than play...

Lol at singing to himself IWillOnly if there's a silence in our house you can be sure that ds will break it and he currently loves singing. Loudly. He was the same when he was a baby - he sang himself to sleep and sang when he woke up. My dh is an extrovert and even he tires of the sound of ds's voice at times - literally the only way to stop him talking/ singing is to switch the TV on. I blame myself for always encouraging his opinion, even when he was a baby. There must have been times when he thought "for the love of god, shut up woman!"

Dc1 is the same. Now 5 and will only play with stuff that does things or is a challenge. Has never done imaginatory play. Wants constant interaction. DC2 however at 3.5 spends hours in his own little world with a car / box / cardboard tube / toy. He makes up his own games and needs no interaction. Same upbringing. Both at nursery from young age etc

Place marking as my DS1 (4.5) is just like this. YY to being an extrovert, never wanting to be alone (even in the loo!), relying on screens for interaction when we run out of ideas/energy.

Funnily enough, our DS2 (nearly 1) is also a spoon basher. I'm constantly astonished by the way that he actually sits and plays with toys because DS1 never did that and still doesn't, really.

Our DS was an 'only' but DW and I were around most of the time, and he did prefer to be having interaction from one or other of us.

Lego (or Duplo till old enough for Lego), safe scissors and catalogues or junk mail to cut up and glue onto paper, card or a scrapbook, and later, plastic model kits, encourage independent play and activities.

Presumably he will be starting early reading (phonics) soon, if not already, and along with that, writing, so he could have note books or suitable work books, to use like a diary, and record events, the weather, etc.

We had a Yamaha organ, which he 'played' on from under a year old, and then by four or five had learnt to play properly, so a Keyboard (61 full size keys, headphones, and a tutor book) should keep him entertained.

My DC1 is an extrovert too. DC2 less so. DC1 just wants to run, jump, climb, build, dig, make, do. DC1 will build a train track but not play with it. The building phase is the interesting bit. Loves to help do DIY.
DC2 wants a track built so he can then spend hours on his own playing with it. If there is none available he'll find something and improvise. He played a game of fishing imaginary fish from his bed with my dressing gown tie yesterday - for 30 mins. I had to drag him away for nursery. Very different personalities in this respect