Coping with perfectionism in a child.

[insecurityissue]

I am not entirely sure this is where I should post, but can't find anywhere that seems more suitable.

My dd is now 9 and is such a perfectionist. Normally, I would be happy about it, but it has really started to affect her self esteem.

As always, I express to her that just trying her best is what matters and I will always be proud, but she can't see the wood for the trees. Over the last few weeks, she has been having meltdowns at home about her school work, putting herself down, refusing to read books because it means having to complete a book review as homework.

Nothing she does is ever good enough to her. While she has always been this way (I admit that I was pretty much exactly the same, I probably still am but don't let her see it) it recently has become a massive issue. She has always excelled in every area of academia and is classed as gifted, but she is now underachieving because she fears failing so much that she won't even try.

I have read loads of things on the good ole internet tonight, after a particularly heart-wrenching meltdown this afternoon. Perfectionism ticks every box, I am certain that is what is going wrong, from not being able to accept criticism, to fear of failure, procrastination, timy mistakes being the end of the world etc. There are a great many strategies detailed as to how to deal with it, but they seem so idealistic. How do I do it in reality?

I am hoping speaking to her teacher sometime tomorrow, but is there anyone else I can get help from? Like an educational development person or something? Who can I speak to or what can I do to try and help curb the perfectionism before it gets completely out of hand?

Sorry for the ramble, I am just heart broken at the absolute low level of her self esteem and need some support in helping her because I am approaching a parenting meltdown myself.

Oh a shame I wonder if she knows that you had (or have) similar issues. Have you sat down calmly with her and discussed it?

She might feel better to know you aren't perfect (or are) IFYSWIM.

Also look at what she eats ,too much wheat can lead to emotional problems. There's book called Grain Brain which could help.

I have tried rationalising it with her every way I can think of. I have explained that I am not perfect, and sometimes I feel terrible because the front room isn't perfect, or I can't spell a particular word, but that we cope anyway because no one can be perfect.

It just falls on deaf ears at the moment. Thank you for the advice re diet, I will definitely take a look. (I do love a good read )

This afternoon I decided to let her research perfectionism on the internet. It seems to be helping, and she relates quite well. Hopefully it is a start, it breaks my heart for her to have such a falsely low opinion of herself.

Is she having problems with friends at school? I remember that age being a difficult one for friendships; the girls can be very unkind without realising it .

IF she's got a good class teacher, maybe talk to her or him. Sorry I just re read yr post what did her teacher say?

The teacher has sadi they notice she crosses out a lot of work, or restarts on a completely new page when she makes mistakes. She also doesn't take it very well when she gets 17/20 on spellings etc. Her teacher has suggested joining the school's self esteem group, which she explained is usually for lower achievers, but hopes that it might allow her to accept making mistakes and not beating herself up over anything less than perfect, giving her motivation to try, not do. iyswim.

As for friendships, she is very sociable and apparently has a wide group of friends, but isn't particularly close to any individually. Perhaps not feeling like she has a close friend/friends makes her fell left out. I will try having a casual talk about her friendships this evening.

Thanks for the thoughts

You're welcome insecurity Good luck

Just a thought, if you want to go wheat free, Waitrose do a good pure rye loaf and the large Sainsbos. ryvitas are easy (check the labels though, it's in nearly everything ).

Rice and spelt pasta is nicer than wheat (health food shops are best for those and other stuff).