My 7yr old son, at my wits end.

[Sickofthesnow]

I'll try keep it brief and to the point but I'm struggling to explain so bare with me please.

My DS is 7, will be 8 this year. Since a baby he has been a happy confident child. Since starting primary school he has slowly dwindled gradually and is becoming less and less confident and more and more insecure and withdrawn.
He was picked on for periods of time, on and off by a couple of kids. He is in a class that has a group of boys who are all strong characters so understandably, they do tend to clash. However, some are quite violent and provocative towards others. My DS has been on the receiving end quite a few times and each time the school have been active in dealing with issues.

The teacher he has at the moment, is a great help, as she has a child of similar nature and same age and seems to relate to DS very positively and understands his needs. He tries to play with the other boys but the end result is usually they get too rough or violent, he gets upset, they call him a baby etc and it goes downhill from there. He doesn't seem to be able to pick himself up from this and can be upset and sad until home time.

So I, a lot of the time have the teacher approach me at 3pm to say "DS was quite upset today" and explain reasons why. Sometimes its something over nothing, other times its more serious and the school have to speak to the other parents.

It is worth mentioning now, that this time last year I requested with the LEA to have him moved to another school in the catchment area but this school was full for his age group so I had no choice but to keep him there.

Another relevant factor is my oldest DSS (age 13), has aspergers and is very volatile towards DS for ridiculous reasons. We have a complex family and the step children live with us, under a compulsory supervision order with a condition of no contact with maternal mother as she has proven herself over the years to have a mentally damaging relationship with her children. Now, add into this she has been deliberately ignoring the supervision order lately and approaching DSS at high school. DSS in the position he is in with his aspergers, believes everything his mother says and she has told him that we favour DS over him and that I will always treat DS better, so in turn, DSS targets my son a lot of the time and we catch him doing so.
My DS finds this confusing as he does not know if his brother will be nice to him or mean from day to day and is on eggshells all of the time.

This is a part of life we are obviously trying to improve but it is taking time :(

In the mean time I just dont know what to do to help my son :( I am fortunate in the sense I have a really close bond with him as does DP and when he is not at school he is a typical happy care free child, until DSS kicks off with him which we obviously intervene instantly with.

But I need help, I don't know how to help my son with the problems at school. I feel drained approaching the school all the time and asking them to keep him away from the 2 particular kids who target him. I understand it is not always possible. How can I help my son though? How can I help him learn how to deal with it, in a way that he is not becoming really upset and crying and giving them more reason to pick on him?

If you have made it this far I applaud you. And I apologise for the rambling. I'm just a very sad lost mother. I applied again on Friday for him to be moved but I don't hold out much hope :( The stand in teacher actually told me he got upset and hid under a table so she held the whole class back 20 minutes to wait for him to come out from under the table before they could put shoes on :( To me that is nothing short of drawing attention to a sad crying child :(

It sounds like you and your son are having a tough time. Some kids just don't suit school. Mine doesn't!
Are there other schools you can look at that maybe smaller? Is your son struggling academically, or is it with just these two boys? Have you looked at your sons school policy on bullying? If they are not following their policy, you can kindly point this out to them!
As with your DSS, have you told him you like him and he is a valued member of your family? It sounds silly, but some kids need telling. Especially if they have Aspergers.

Poor you! I agree with prettyodd that you should have a look at the school's anti-bullying policy, which should be on the website.

If you have only spoken to the class teacher so far, can I suggest escalating it to the Head, and thence to the Chair of Governors.

Also keep a log of incidents and actions to support your appeal to move schools.

Good luck.

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. The school is relatively very small so any time I need to speak to staff it is generally the head teacher who deals with these sort of issues.

DSS lives with us and he knows he's a valued member, all our kids are treated just as fairly and equally, as I can't stand these parents who treat all their children and step children differently. As far as I'm concerned he is a good as being my own flesh and blood. He and his sisters have lived with us now for almost 8 years and the bio mother has always been an issue as she has always stirred the pot so to speak.
She has ultimately painted me in a wicked stepmother light, and although the girls don't see this, DSS believes it to be true due to the relationship he has with her. It is difficult to explain without completely outing myself.

This I do understand is a separate issue completely and one that I try to deal with on its own rather than everything together.

The only other school in catchment area we were refused a move to last year due to being over subscribed. The school we are at is a great school however due to decreasing numbers, the council wont justify moving us to an over subscribed school :(
It's driving me nuts to be quite honest

Have you told the teacher/ head teacher exactly what your DS is going through at home? Not just school issues? They may know of a group that can help and support him.

There's support available for children struggling to help them (trying to avoid mental health issues like anxiety, now and in the future).

Have a look on your city councils website for support - they might have a section under children's services. It is very likely going to be struggle to get him referred to get support but it is worth battling for.

Does your son get respite from his step-brother? I really felt for him when you said he was walking on eggshells at home - and my own DS has Asperger's. And is your DS getting plenty of time with just you? You are not a "wicked stepmother" if your DS needs this, he might need respite even if they were sibs rather than steps, and if your stepson’s mother is no contact then your DS doesn't get a break while he’s away with her. His step-brother may also have extra problems with jealousy of your DS, perhaps worse than his sisters.

As pancakeflipper says, it's probably worth talking to the teacher about this. It could count as an ASL need for your own DS.

I don't have any advice but I wanted to say that you sound like an amazing mum who is doing the best she can in a really hard set of circumstances.

Is there an activity that your son could do with JUST you or JUST your DH once a week? That gives him some one on one ?

Hi, No he doesn't get a break from it, and you're right, I should speak to the school about how things are unfolding at home. I did speak to one of the learning assistants last week about it, just in a passing chat way as she had asked how DSS was getting on at high school and we got talking. So I have no doubt they are aware as to be honest the staff all talk and know whats going on with the kids as there aren't that many of them in the school.
But I guess coming from me would make more of a point to it.

Thank you for the reply. He is supposed to have no contact with his mum but she is not playing ball with the social work dept and is refusing to follow this instruction so on days we are not there to pick DSS up from school she is approaching him and playing the victim card heavily so he takes on a lot of her own emotional baggage which is extremely unfair and not right for a parent to do this. We are trying to follow all the right lines with this and currently applying for residency and a restraining order it is that bad with her.

So I know there is frustration and I guess that is why we are lenient to a certain extent as he does have aspergers, and he IS frustrated but its that boundary of "no you WONT take it out on your brother" that we are very clear on.

Kiwiinkits - I must have cross posted with you sorry.

He used to go to my mums once a week at the weekend for a sleepover which gave him a break but she works a lot more at the moment so that is unavailable.
I could make one afternoon just about us, that is a good point thank you. He came out of school unwell this afternoon so looks like he will be off tomorrow. Really high temperature and sick, must be a bug doing the rounds. So looks like we can have a quiet day together tomorrow x