Worries about unaffectionate baby

[Secretary125]

Our DS has just turned 11 months and shows little affection. He is very smily and happy and does snuggle his head on us in an affectionate way but he also does this on toys cushions the floor etc. Its better than nothing but we yearn, especially him mum, for an affectionate child. However if you hold him near to cuddle he pulls away. If he is crying and you pick him up it is much the same.

I have read a number of threads and it seems to me that every child is different and some are more affectionate than others and that self confidence and independence is merely part of his developing character.

My question is can this trait be changed? Have any parents had experiences where this independence has been softened and the child be more receptive to cuddles and love? What did you do if you did? My wife and I try to be affectionate in front of him to teach affection and we both invest a lot of time in play, singing and talking to him.

The second part of my question is we are shortly to make decisions about child minders and nurseries and wondered if these are likely to make him less or more affectionate? What's you experiences?

I suspect there is no diffinitiate answer as every child is unique. However we don't want to do anything that will make him more unaffectionate.

Grateful for any views...

I'm struggling a bit to understand what you mean by an "affectionate" child. What is it you want him to do that he isn't doing. Is there anything else about his development that you think is unusual. You sound like you are doing exactly the right thing by playing, talking and singing to him - does he show enjoyment, clapping, laughing etc. What happens when you try to cuddle him - what about when he's upset/tired - does he not want cuddles then? I wonder if you should talk to your HV if you are worried. Is he meeting his developmental milestones? I don't think children can be "taught" to be affectionate - they learn this by their parents being affectionate with them, which you are doing, so many it's your expectations that are a bit awry. Do others notice him not being affectionate at all?

Hmm - childminders and nurseries - I know a lot of parents have to work these days but I hope you aren't thinking of full time child care as this is not a good idea for children under 3. I think a childminder is by far the best bet for a young child - it's a more natural kind of situation, whereas nurseries are institutions. I can't imagine being separated from his parents is going to make him "more affectionate" in any way whatsoever. But them I'm opposed to under 3s being in day care especially fulltime.

Not even my super-affectionate, super-clingy dd liked being picked up for spontaneous cuddles at 11m - she just wanted to be on the move (unless it was on her terms). At nearly 4 she wants to be cuddled all the time and constantly tells me how much she loves me .
Relax, enjoy your baby, sneak cuddles when you can (does he ever come into your bed in the morning and fall asleep again?). I have a 15mo ds too now who is also very active, I carry him in a sling lots when we're out though which he loves and I get some cuddle time. I think my dd started doing 'cuddles' at about 18 months, you'll find your ds changes loads over the next few months and communicates a lot more.

Some babies just don't like too much physical contact, and this can change as they get older and understand more about social interactions. Just keep doing what you're doing, but speak to your HV if you still have concerns.

As for childminders and nurseries, there are good and bad examples of both. Children will thrive in a really good nursery with good staff to child ratios, just as well as at a childminders. It just depends what you prefer. A bad childminder is just as bad as a bad nursery! The important thing is to go to see the childcare settings for yourself and trust your feelings about each place.

It sounds like you have a happy, confident independent little boy. That's a very good thing, and even if it were possible I wouldn't try to change him for the sake of more cuddles. Please don't think of him as 'unaffectionate' or try to pressure him into cuddling you. There's nothing wrong with being independent or not wanting lots of cuddles. He's showing affection by smiling and laughing.

DD was very similar at that age. She hated being picked up randomly by adults when she was busy playing and exploring, and, if upset, she wanted to try solving her own problems without adult interference. At two, we now get lots of spontaneous hugs and kisses.

It can be really hard for parents (and grandparents) to follow a child's lead on physical affection, but even at such a young age it's a great opportunity to teach them about bodily autonomy and make it clear you respect their boundaries. It's not personal, and he's not rejecting you.

The level of affection has absolutely nothing to do with childcare and please don't be guilt tripped by anyone saying it's 'not good for children under 3 to be in full time daycare' since there is precious little evidence either way. We chose a good cm and our reasons were 1. we knew her as she'd also cared for my stepdaughters 2. the nursery environment seemed busier with less likelihood of 'down time' or one to one contact and building a trusted bond with another individual. I know other mums who have chosen nurseries though and it's worked fine for them. Ds has gone to a cm since he was around 8 months. He's now 4yo and is bright, happy, confident and extremely loving.and affectionate with both myself and dh. Our bond is very strong and he's more affectionate than my dniece who was cared for at home for the first 3 years. It has more to do with personality. And i agree with others who have said that at 11 months there is a whole world of excitement and opportunity that must be explored which probably explains lack of cuddles. Dh and i are both very tactile and freely express love and affection which has also probably had an influence on ds.

Secretary - I could've written your post. In fact I was thinking of posting something similar.

My 10 month old DD is such an independent little thing. She doesn't like cuddles. Doesn't care if I leave the room and quite happy with any Tom Dick or Harry.

At playgroup all the other babies are sat nicely with there mothers and make a fuss when they walk away. My DD just crawls away without a backwards glance!

I feel your pain OP! There is nothing you can do, It's just there personality.

I heard someone say about a clingey baby 'it's just tantamount to the bond between you and her' that made me feel a bit like I don't have that bond. I know deep down she loves me though.

Sorry for the essay but wanted to say that you are not alone, I feel exactly the same as you.

Oh, and DD is going to nursery x

Congratulations for raising a confident well adjusted baby! My dd is also one not to cuddle and just be arching to look over your shoulder etc. she was ill this week and rested her head on my and snoozed on me, so she does cuddle when she's poorly.

I don't think its any indication of how things will be long term.

My ds has only really started to cuddle me in the last few weeks, he's nearly 15 months. At 11 months he was just not interested in being pinned down at all, even for a cuddle. He's very lively, outgoing and giggly but doesn't cry when I leave the room and, as pp said he's the one wandering off at play group. I'm not sure childcare will make a difference either way. I try to see as independence rather than indifference!!