Ds 3yo with possible Aspergers

[AdmirableGirl]

I know it's so young to say, but dh and I have thought this now for about 6 months. Ds has just turned 3. Dr and nursery workers think we might be on to something, as does my mil, who's an ex-mental health nurse, and most of my family. They've all been wonderful and loving and supportive. I also have experience in this field. In many ways he's textbook, others not so much.

I've been positive too, but this week has been so hard. I feel tonight I just want to curl up and sleep. I'm so scared for him. He's had three awful meltdowns, one in public, so much staring and horrible comments. I wanted to shout 'leave him alone, he's so little and it's not his fault.'

I have rehearsed this post in my head for weeks but now I am just too drained to express it.

I love him so much. How can I help him?

Three is very young. I've had truly awful tantrums from all dcs at that age. One of them has Aspergers, others are lovely now.
Can you describe the tantrums in more detail? What other symptoms?

Three is not young at all in terms of getting help. But you've come a long way already.

Please take yourself to the mumsnet special needs board. It's a great place. I basically lived there for a few years (even though we never had a diagnosis).

Anyway, two things to think about. first, might a diagnosis be useful? Would it open some doors/get you more support when he starts school?
Secondly (the fun bit) what are the personal challenges he faces and how can you learn lots and help?

There are many positives, including the pleasures of celebrating progress.

No advice, but plenty of support here! I'm in the same boat. I've been saying for years that I've noticed DS's idiosyncrasies seem to match Aspergers. Unlike you, the people around me aren't overly supportive about the idea. I get told "he's fine" every time I mention it. I think now he's 3 people are starting to see my point though. He started nursery in January & they've started commenting on his 'confidence' - the way he's never paid any attention to being left or picked up, his dislike of painting or muddy play - or any other sensory play that sticks to his hands, & his throwing - when he gets into a slightly manic mood & you have to pretty much physically restrain him to make him stop... They've got a parent-teacher morning coming up so I'm hoping to sit down with them & draw together their observations & mine & try to lead them to the conclusion I reached when he was about 1yo.

I've tried to stay positive & focus on the good things - his memory is amazing & he's really good at thinking through how things work or what will happen in experiments - but there are definitely phases like now when that's really difficult to remember because I feel like I'm drowning in the negative behaviours. I'm sure other people are starting to see him as the "naughty" one or question my parenting. It's so draining.

Personally, the one thing I've found that's helping to keep us all sane is enforcing "quiet time" in the afternoons. DS goes to his room with some toys & builds the same duplo cranes over & over plays for a while & I can have some time to myself. I know that won't work for some families but I introduced it when he stopped having naps so it was a natural progression - he'll sleep some days & play others. It benefits both of us - he gets a bit over-excitable when he's around people all day & needs that down-time & I get really grouchy & impatient by bedtime if I've not had a bit of headspace. I'm a big fan of the happy-mum-happy-child concept... not that I'd ever be completely selfish but I'm very aware that I need to take care of my mental health if I'm going to be any use to them!

Try posting on Special Needs Children section if you haven't done so already ... loads of experience on there

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm embarrassed to admit i didn't know there was a special needs section... i always thought, when I saw people refer to it, that it was the mental health board under health. So i will post there shortly.

London thank you for your reply. It is more than just the tantrums. Even at his worst meltdown I do think it could be described as a pretty horrendous toddler tantrum, but coupled with his other symptoms it does make me wonder. So, the other symptoms:

• Hand flapping, very constant, since he was a wee baby. Whether he's extremely excited or an advert he likes has come on the tv, he flaps and jumps as though to take off. The classic sign I guess. Certainly the most obvious. We think it's very sweet though.
• A few other compulsive tics - a weird tongue thing he's just started doing, like a self-soothing method. Also when he's anxious he picks the skin on his fingers until it's raw, although it's quite absent-minded.
• Absolute obsession with a particular nursery rhyme. He could sing the tune before he could talk, we're talking over 2 years now. If we let him he'd sing it for hours without stopping. He has a lot of related books, loads of related toys, he is absolutely obsessed. We tried to temper it in but he seemed so sad without it we just thought 'sod it, he likes it' and let him go with it. The subject of the rhyme is one he can talk about or play about for hours. However, he will happily sing other songs if he's in the right mood and will sometimes go a week hardly singing it (note, not stopping completely!).
• Late development of motor skills - standing, sitting, walking, feeding with spoon, all done literally the days before those 'cut off' ages where he's officially well behind schedule (much as I hate schedules, but it is something you notice).
• Detests being around too many children or crowds - not so bad with adults. He's extremely friendly and in the park or the library will often approach another child but if it's a group of children or they're being too loud he'll flip out, which is sad as he really does want to be friendly.
• Huge auditory issues - cannot cope with many noises, even if they're not loud (though loud noises are the worst). He cannot cope with toys that make noises, and if there's a sound that frightens, him on a tv progrmme well, we can't ever watch that episode again.
• Defintely a 'once bitten never forgotten' type character. He once ate a bit of strong flavoured cheese before and now won't eat anything if there's even the merest suggestion of cheese being in it. He absolutely used to love cheese. Weird example but there are few second chances with him.
• Absolutely abnormally high intelligence. Could count up to 20 before he was two, recognise the numbers, put the numbers into the correct order if jumbled, basic adding etc. Likewise with the alphabet. Amazing speech, years ahead of his age, can have deep conversations with him. He's like a little old man. Preschool have said he's the cleverest one there, including the 5 year olds. Currently wants to learn French (???) because I am learning it and bugger me if he isn't better at it than I am! OK, that's a boasty one but give me some leeway :D Can read basic words but I suspect he's memorising them.
• Won't make eye contact with new people 'in the room' even if they're people he knows (my parents, for example) until he feels relaxed.
• Again, abnormally excellent memory. He will recall things from one-off conversations from over a year ago. Tell him something once and he will learn it.
• He seems to learn things like a little robot, muttering new words under his breath until they're filed away. I've always felt he is a watcher, while other children are getting stuck in he's standing back and learning. basically in many ways he's Sheldon - a lot of the things he does is because he knows that's what people do.
• He's like a dog with a bone and will repeat the same phrase again and again until he gets the answer worded in the way he thinks is the correct way i.e if he asks you 'how are you today' you have to reply 'i am very well thank you, how are you today?' He can't grasp that type of variation yet -it's like a dance.

However, he is amazingly expressive, very very loving and affectionate (although cuddles came late, but he loves them now although in part that's because he's learned that cuddles is what you do when you want to be happy or make someone happy, so there are rules). He has an amazing sense of humour, cares a lot about other people, and I've never met such a happy and giggly little child. He identifies himself as someone who is funny and lives to make people laugh. Sometimes he's confident, sometimes he isn't. He likes routine in that he really likes to know what's coming up, and will repeatedly ask what's happening over the next few days, but he can cope if that changes most of the time. I would say that if he does have Aspergers he will be very high functioning. But rules defintely make him feel happier.

Wow, that was a long post! Sorry! And thanks for sticking with me.

Sleepy Thank you too for your reply. I am in two minds about diagnosis, i have to say. I worry about him being stigmatised, and I know it does still happen. I think we may see how things develop a little longer before we make that decision. But as for his challenges. He doesn't like big changes. Noises, crowds, things moving too fast for him to process. I don't know quite how to begin!

AGnu - I can see a lot of similarities in our sons! I'm sorry you're not being supported - come join me on the special needs board, perhaps? I so feel everything that you say. Sadly my ds doesn't play well without supervision as he's going through a bit of a destructive phase right now lol (more being 3 than being potentially Aspie I think). He does still nap in the afternoon - thank god for small mercies. I know he'll drop them soon but please god not yet!

Thank you MadameSin, i will.

Yes, I do recognise a lot of what you are describing here. I'd say get GP to make you a referral to have him assessed. The support you get depends on your local authority (some are crap), but better to have it.

He sounds lovely!

I so understand about the stigma thing - I refused formal assessment at one point. So the reason my son doesn't have a diagnosis is that I refused it. Now he wouldn't get one. Good news all round.

But but but ...... one thing I know is that all the best information about helping children with his challenges is in books and on boards featuring the "A"-word. One of my few regrets is that I shied away from these materials for too long.

One of the regulars on the special needs board used to advise parents in our position to "help him as if he did have Aspergers". You can do that quite separately from the diagnosis issue. You just have to accept there are politics involved and skim past the arguments to get to the helpful bits.

Good luck, I'm not surprised you feel positive most of the time, he sounds grand x

I always knew my son was 'different' from about a year. He was always seen as a bully as when he was around other children he would push or hit and then he started hair pulling - I had an awful time with him to the point that we were ousted from toddler groups. As a baby he was so happy he rarely cried - we then started doing structured activities swimming, music groups, baby gym as we werent welcome at toddler groups and with the routine and structure he didnt ever touch hit or pull another babys hair!!! No amount of time out or 'no' worked he just didnt get what he was doing was wrong. He started pre school(very very structured and routine based!!) at 2.5 and due to the structure rarely ever hit or pushed - He knew his days of the week by 3 and could tell the time by 3.5!!!! He has an obsession which he has had since 18 months and he knows everything and anything about it. It is getting better and less rigid but still there. He has a heightened sense of smell and hates loud noises he goes into full meltdown mode at school at alarm testing time even though he knows is only a test. If things dont go to plan or anything changes he cant cope. He is now 6 and we are going forward for diagnoisis because even though he loves school and his teacher is fantastic one day this could change and without a diagnosis there will be no help available. I get blamed for being too soft on him and I should be stricter with his fears and eccentricites. But after talking to people who are supportive I do think he has something and it isnt me being soft. He has genuine fears of so many things and as I said if anything changes he cant cope- his meltdowns or so loud and defiant I feel like I am a terrible mum and I know there are certain parents in my area who dont like him!!!!

You know your child and I think you know what is normal and what is different. Aspergers had been on my mind since he was about a year and then it was mentioned in reception but then we decided as is so intelligent reception was too play based for him because he was a different boy in year 1 but now in year 2 meltdowns and fears are getting worse.

Hope this helps, a bit of a ramble but at 3 I would tend to hold off a little bit just in case he improves although reading your post he does sound very similar to my son!!!!