Extremely stubborn toddler

[Bumblebeezzy]

My DD is almost 3 and I would not call her a difficult child. In fact, most of the time she is a joy.

I always knew she was stubborn and she tends to blow up when things don't go her way. I try and handle her in a calm way and give her time-out when she 'combusts', explaining why. She reacts to this fairly well and comes out calm generally.

She has been going to nursery for half days for a few months now and things were going fairly well. The ladies there have always said she was fiesty and prone to being very angry very sudden. Lately this has been worse than normal and they have now told me she is one of the most tricky stubborn children they have ever had there, with no respect for authority whatsoever.
She plays well with the other children and they think she is adorable most of the time, but when she is asked to do something she does not want to do, she point blank refuses every time and throws a huge strop.

She hates it when things don't go her way, but I tend to choose my battles. Should I be fighting her all the time? Even over trivial things?
When she is angry or upset she does not want to be comforted - she wants to be by herself, so tends to crawl away under a table or some such.

Have I gone wrong somewhere? Is it wrong that I have in a way encouraged her to make her own choices (within reason) and to be her own person?

It makes me so sad that she is having so much trouble doing what she is told at nursery.

I was not sure who to talk to, so hence this post!

Any advice would be much appreciated.

didnt want to read and run but your little girl reminds me of my niece!!

she's in yr1 now and her personality is encouraged by her teacher who doesn't want her to lose her own choice of mind.

i think you could leave her to cool off if need be but perhaps when she's calmer make a game of how to deal with scenarios and lastly, there's nothing wrong with knowing what you want

Reading "Raising your spirited child" and "The explosive child" may be insightful for you.

www.livesinthebalance.org is interesting too

DS3 is very feisty/spirited. The above have helped me and dh a lot.
I would definitely say don't fight over trivial things.

Thanks. I feel a bit better about it now I think. She had a two hour sleep after nursery today. Unusual as she doesn't usually sleep anymore!

She has been the lovely happy girl I know all afternoon, so this mornings revelations have lost some of its harshness.

See, I have always sort of been impressed by her strong will and her spirit. She won't be pushed around and I have always admired that a little. People often asked me whether she had older siblings, which she hasn't.

I try to give her choices, which seems to work quite well for us at home, but is not as workable at nursery.

I will check out those books. They look very useful :)

Hi, this sounds a lot by my lovely girl who is now nearly 5. It's funny, I had forgotten about all those things as dd is now a kind thoughtful little thing and I only fet occassional glimpses of her spiritedness (eg. At school she is fiercely protective of her friends and will stand up for herself and others. She loves boisterous play and is at her happiest in the summer when she can run around like a loon outside). She used to be a mega handful, screaming tantrums where she got so worked up I had to restrain her for fear she would hurt herself etc. They do grow up and can channel there moods a bit more- it helps a huge amount as their speech inproves. A few tips with the tantrums...talk them through while they are cross as it helps to verbalise it. Also they get to a point where they desperately need a cuddle as they are a bit scared about their behaviour. So fo this and wait until they are properly calm before talking calmly with them about their behaviour. Be really clear on boundaries and what you will find acceptable. Eg. Dd used to lash out and hit me and she knew that this was immediate time out, no warnings.

Good luck and remember that your dd's strong will will be great when she is older!

No real advice, just wanted to add that I think it was a bit unhelpful and alarmist of the nursery staff to phrase it like that - what were they hoping to achieve (apart from a stressed out mother). Fair enough to mention some concerns, but no need to be so OTT.

I also feel that strong mindedness is often an undervalued quality, especially in little girls! I want my own dd to in general respect authority, of course, but not unquestioningly!

I guess it is a balance, of course. But I don't think you are wrong to prize (and praise) her independence.

Thank you mewkins. I will try and follow your advice. Your DD sounds lovely and I hope mine will be like that when she's older. :)

My DD similarly loves being outside and running around. She loves climbing and ziplines ;)

When she has her worst tantrums she tends to not listen to a word I am saying and simply shrieks to stop me from talking. Generally, I think we do quite well with her at home and she responds to alternative options. Like you, hitting or biting or anything like that is immediate time-out and she knows that it's wrong.
Then again, when she is having a very bad day (once every couple of weeks or so) she is a real brat!

I am just not sure what to tell her nursery. She only goes three half days. I will see how she goes, but we may have to sit down with her keyworker to see how they are dealing with her and how it might be improved.

Thanks Lovelydiscusfish.
The staff have been nice about her as well, cause she is a very smiley little girl, but they just feel she has an extremely strong will and a lot of character and I don't think they quite know what to do with her!
Hopefully it will all work out, but I was quite stressed and upset earlier today.
:)

Very unprofessional of them to say what they have. I would suggest moving her to somewhere where they might not feel so overwhelmed. Nothing wrong with being strong willed esp being a little girl. X

My DD, interestingly, is a similar age to yours Bumble - nearly 3. They have been well aware of her personality for ages (years) as been there from when she was quite tiny. Hence they have a nickname for her, which includes the word "diva" - they are quite aware that she is a fairly strong willed person.
Fortunately (in terms of her context - I don't mean in general) she is also a fairly calm person, as toddlers go, so I don't think they find her too difficult, these days. I do remember many pick ups when the staff would say to me "She does like her own way, doesn't she? She demands one's attention." And I'd be like, "Yes, well, and..."
We have called a meeting with the manager recently about other stuff (more how they were progressing her learning in terms of letters etc, as they had seemed reluctant to differentiate) and we have seen a vast improvement in the happiness of our girl post meeting. So I would definitely encourage you to go in and meet with the staff, and have a full and frank discussion.
Good luck. Your dd sounds fabulous!

Notice the things that make her combust. It might not be just that it's when she doesn't get her own way. It is possibly more likely when something happens to her suddenly (like leaving the park, or having to put on shoes) without any advance warning. Or when she's hungry. Or tired. Or when nobody seems to understand her frustrations. Is that the case?

What has really helped for me is to use a little trick I learned from How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. Basically, you empathise first, then you state the rule or what needs to happen next. My DD is a stubborn little thing but she really softens if you actively understand her point of view before trying to get her to do something. For example, you want her to put away the playdoh. "DD, I know you're having lots of fun with the playdoh. Look what you've made! It will be time to tidy up the playdoh in a minute, because we need to go to the supermarket. What would you like to make next?"...

Basically, I use statements like: "I know you're feeling cross! I would too! But..." "I can tell that it makes you upset to have to...., but"

Also, I always give little predictive statements about what's happening next. For example, "DD, we are going to leave the park in five minutes to get in the car. You can choose two more things to play on." Then, with one minute to go "DD, we're going in the car in one minute, choose one last thing." It really helps kids of this age know what's going on. They don't like surprise exits from fun activities.

Thanks Kiwiinkits, that is very helpful.