Advice needed on ds

[KPB]

My ds was 6 in January and I am a little bit concerned. He is, and always has been quite sensitive, which in itself isn't a problem. It's just that he allows other children to push him around, say nasty things and doesn't do anything to try to make them stop. He has lots of friends and seems happy generally but I just wish he could be more assertive. We were at a friend of mine the other evening and her ds was being really rough, dragging my ds to the floor, by the neck etc and generally being nasty, saying that he was stupid, not very good etc Ds just looked really upset but doesn't do anything to stop it. I don't want to turn him into the bully but how can I help him stick up for himself? It just really upsets me to see him so upset Any ideas gratefully received.
Not sure if this is in the right "section"

Hi KPB, My ds is 6 too, stands up for himself but often gets into trouble for doing so.
I do understand though, my dd will be 10 tomorrow and still has kids say nasty things to her and gets upset.
I think it's just their character and it's very difficult to change that if they are more sensitive and quieter then others . Although I have told dd to say something back to the child which in a way has worked. They know now she won't just sit there and take it. My friend's dd always says something hurtful to her and it really upsets me too. I do tend to find it is sometimes hard not to get involved and fight their battles for them.
My advice to you is make sure your ds says something back to the child. If they hurt ds make sure your ds makes adults aware of this at the time. My dd was pushed once and I went into the teacher and said that this was supposed to be a friend of hers. Situation did get resolved. Good luck larsxx

It's so hard because he has to learn how to look after himself. I can't always be there, especially in the playground He is one of the biggest/tallest in his class, but just doesn't have the confidence to say "No, don't do that to mw" or just push them away. It probably affects me more than him. Some of the children in his class seem so streetwise and even though ds is mature for his age in soem ways he is quite naive/untouched. I am seriously thinking of putting him into karate/judo to boost his confidence. Thanks for the advice lars!!!

I sympathise KPB. My dd is slighter younger - 4 this year - but has exactly the same problem. She is very gentle and kind but INCREDIBLY sensitive. Like you say, not a problem in itself but its sad to see them get pushed around at school. I'm just trying to work on her confidence and get her to understand that nasty comments are often just throw away remarks made by other kids without thinking that she will take it so seriously. My ds is the opposite and very tough.

Its a hard one to solve but I think Karate/Judo is great for 'quieter' boys as I think it does give them some confidence. I hope it goes well. I think again this may be something that bothers us parents more than the kids.

The cooments are obviously not very nice but it's the physical stuff that upsets me the most. With this certain friend I am seriously considering not seeing them for a while. Ds says that he has been doing it for quite a while but as they normally play upstairs I don't see it. Now I feel guilty because he kept saying he didn't want to go round to this friend, without any explanation and I told him to stop being silly. Now that I have seen it for myself and spoken to ds about it, it is now that he is saying that he has been trying to tell me about it for a long time. I feel bad as I should have taken his concerns more seriously.
I don't want ds to change, he is lovely the way he is. I just want him to realise that as the other children know he won't retaliate it makes him an easy target.

KPB - my ds (7) has had something similar (although not at home) for a while now. He is a gentle quiet boy but the tallest in the class and quite well built. He is scared stiff of getting into trouble and won't retaliate. To be truthful I don't want him hitting/kicking/punching etc. The boy picking on him though is a teachers little boy and all staff seem to think he's just boisterous. I did go to his mum and say "I think x and y are having some issues in the playground, obviously I've only got x's side of the story, do you want to get y's perspective and see if we can sort this out?" She came back and said "y hit x because x and another friend wouldn't let him play with them." DS now tells me that "y" is punching him in the "Winkie" in class (they sit next to each other ffs). Can you have a word with your friend about her son's behaviour?

That must be really hard sexgoddess being a teachers child! There is a major difference being boisterous and being a bully isn't there? I hate that if a situation occurs say in the playground and ds is yet again shoved to the ground. the parent turns round and says something like "boys will be boys" - no you need to teach them that isn't acceptable behaviour!
Anyway re my df I think I may just say that they need a break from each other for a while. I think she knows how I feel about it as the last time we saw them and her ds was being horrible I just said, not directly at her ds, you won't be able to see each other anymore. We normally see each other once a week but I may suggest we meet up when the kids are at school. My df is lovely and I don't want to lose her friendship.
It's funny you should about being punched in the "privates" my ds also sits next to the class bully. I saw the teacher as I was so concerned as ds was so upset and said that after he had squeezed him he felt sick in his stomach. This same boy sent ds a sorry note last year. For doing a flying kick and you should have seen the bruise on ds's leg it was horrible. He has also been punched in the face this year and it caused a nosebleed. These kids are just horrible little s**ts!!! I would be just as devastated if my ds was causing misery to others like these children are. I understand boys will be boys and a bit of pushing shoving I can cope with but sometimes these kids are just bullies!!! Rant over!!!

My dh was bullied as a child (and teenager) (and now adult by me ) and he is still very bitter about it. He tells our ds to "kick him back" or "punch him" or similar but of course ds won't do this as it's not in his nature (thank God). If anything now dh is too far the other way

That's exactly what worries me. We have said to ds hit back and push (out of frustration). I don't agree with violence but sometimes feel that if the other children realised that ds wasn't going to take it all the time then they would think twice. Anyway when we told him to hit back it really upset and worried him and we had a few worrying days when he didn't want to go into school. I felt really bad because as you say sexgoddess you can't make them something they are not. It's just horrible to see your children upset. Maybe I need to get a thicker skin. I too was bullied at various times through school so now just how horrible it can be.

Why not arrange a girly shopping trip just so it doesn't look odd seeing your pal without her child?

Have you spoken to the school? I have noticed that ours have playground monitors who keep an eye on the children during breaks. Perhaps you could get them to watch your ds in case others are getting rough with him. I think this is quite worrying - we too have some friends who excuse this sort of behaviour as 'just boys' and I think that is a terrible excuse for not wanting to deal with a problem. Some boys are definitely more rough and tumble that others (often younger siblings who are used to a bit more physical attention from older sibs!) but that shouldn't mean your boy has to suffer as a consequence.

Perhaps you could have a chat with your ds and ask him how he thinks he should deal with it? Are there other friends he has who are less rough (who's friendships you could cultivate by having round etc.)? Ultimately, he is the one who is going to have to sort it out at school(and it may be something that keeps happening) because if he doesn't want to hit back then you need another strategy. I would definitely talk to the school in the first instance. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this because it is awful thinking of your child being pushed around like this.

Thanks Stamford. I just wish he could stand up for himself. Hopefully he will, in time, learn to be more assertive. Have spoken to ds's teacher about this particular boy and the parents were called in. Don't know what the outcome was but know that my ds isn't the only child whose life is being made a misery by this child!!!

My son is 6 too and is exactly the same. He is not getting bullied physically except for one incidence which I sorted straight away but he is very sensitive about comments etc. I know exactly what you mean - your heart just aches for them. All I try and do is to encourage him to stand up for himself verbally as I really like the fact he isn't physical and I let him know to come and talk to me @ anything and I ask him what action he would like us to take and we follow up on that and I check in with him to see if things are still ok at school etc. He is very confident at home and we have never smacked him etc so I hope he will learn in time to deal with incidents like this as his confidence improves. Don't know if that helps but you are not alone!!