too sensitive when 6yr feels failure

[Marvin6418]

I am hoping someone can help or at least relate. My DS is 6 now but even from about the age of 4 he has hated any form of competition. He will not compete in anything unless he knows he can win.

This doesn't just relate to competition but also in anything in life. He loves music and is learning the drums. He loves them and really enjoys playing them but when he is challenged with a new piece of music or something he is unsure about he shuts down and starts to cry at the first mistake he makes. He has told me it needs to be right. We have told him its okay to make mistakes in fact it's good because that's how you learn.

He also loves golf and has lessons but when he sees another boy hit the ball better he shuts down, gets upset and doesn't want to join in anymore. This often results in tears and the instructor or us having to calm him down and reassure him. He is also the same on computer games if we have played the game and get further than him he doesn't want to play the game again.

I am worried as this behaviour is increasing and getting worse. I am worried if he behaves like this at school he might get picked on. He has already said someone (a friend) has called him a cry baby because he got upset when they watched the poppy girls sing on remembrance day at school.

He has always been sensitive but that can snap in an instant and he can get so angry if he is getting upset or annoyed. But other than reassuring him it's okay to not be perfect I am stuck for what to do.

Any advice from anyone would be great. Thanks.

I don't really have advice other than to say that my Al out 6yr old nephew is exactly the same. If he cannnot achieve instant perfection, he doesn't bother trying or gives up very quickly.

Perhaps it's a boy thing?
In adults certainly, it's a human protection strategy to save yourself from feeling a failure. ....you can't get down about something or fail if you don't try in the first place. A lot of people only do things they can guarantee completing/achieving.

I'm sure school will go a long way in helping support him with this but perhaps you could speak quietly to his teacher and ask that they help build up his self esteem a bit and if you do the same at home, perhaps he will change and become more sure of himself.

My 5 (nearly 6yr old) is exactly the same. I don't know if i should encourage him or let him develop confidence gradually. I worry that he will under achieve due to his anxiety.

Thanks for replying. I am hoping it's something that will change as he gets older but he is very confident. Or comes across as it anyway. He is very bright, top group in all his classes and seems to thrive well it's just this that is shutting him down. I may have a word with the teacher and see if he shuts down at all at school. Thanks.

HayDayRookie I know what you mean it's hard to know which approach to use when he gets like that. Do I comfort him and reassure him, leave him to just get on with it in his own time and ignore it Or get cross. It's very hard not to do the later after a while

I wonder whether a lot first borns are like this?

Perhaps they feel the pressure to be good/do the right thing/try harder/be the first to go to school/be the one who sets the good examples to the younger siblings etc.

Perhaps that pressure shows itself in low self esteem sometimes and from a desire to simply have no pressure and therefore not try.

It could be a thought he was behaving like this when he was an only child but it has increased recently. His sister is 9 months old now. We haven't mentioned anything g to him about examples yet though

Not really sure if I have any advice but I certainly know how you feel. My son is 6, and is terrible with the prospect of not winning or being the best at something/anything. He is very bright and academically exceeding. The only thing we have been focusing on is activities where there is no winner. Last year he had sports day, there were no winners and no losers, it was just so they could run around and show parents what they've been doing in PE. We've had snow that past couple of weeks and he wanted a snow ball fight, which he started by asking how does he know who wins. I said the person who just has the most fun, and made no further mention of winning. I guess I just wanted to show him not everything is about winning.

Maybe scale things back a bit.

I would say at 6 he should be hitting drums with sticks, not being challenged with new piece of music.

Same with golf. It's a very precise sport and requires definite skill. Maybe a football club or something where he gets to run around with others would suit him better.

These are both things with a right and a wrong way of doing it and I would be worried he's not quite ready for that.

My DS2 can't cope with snakes and ladders

Have you looked into maybe having a few sessions with a play therapist for him to explore the reasons behind his belief he has to be perfect/the best? I think if you could find that out, or work with him on that, then that would be the best step forward?

How about finding a good book you can read together where the protagonist fails at something, then you can use this as a discussion about how it's ok to fail and failure doesn't define you, you don't have to be the best to be happy etc