Competitive 8 year old boy can't take losing

[cedricsneer]

My 8 year old ds is a gentle soul, until it comes to anything that involves winning and losing. He becomes a different child.

If he is winning he can barely conceal his crowing and if he is losing he becomes petulant and blaming. Every single time.

So for eg, if it is an Xbox game, he will start by whining if it isn't going his way, gradually blaming his opponent for cheating/the controller for sabotaging his game etc, escalating into crying, shouting, saying he hates everything and flouncing off. He can never ever congratulate the winner.

Dh and me have tried everything - short circuiting the game, asking him how he is feeling, validating feelings of frustration but he just seems physically unable to keep a lid on it. Friends are noticing and his lack of sportsmanship causes us and him distress.

He will often be sent away in disgrace and when I try to talk to him about it will come out with a tirade of self loathing about how his teeth are wonky and he is fat (he isn't). It's making us all miserable and although he is good at sport it is making us go out of our way to avoid anything remotely competitive.

For backstory, he has two younger brothers - one of whom he is intensively competitive with about everything (20 month age gap but seems much less). He is kind and empathetic about everything else but can be very selfish.

Does anyone have any experience or advice?

Needy bump.

You need to make lots of opportunities for him to win, lose, and do things where there is no winning. This will be a PITA for you though! Lots of card games, board games etc to model winning/losing behaviour (and if he winges/flounces just ignore).

Sports where you can participate just to compete against yourself like Parkrun, road cycling, kids triathlon might help to reinforce that life isn't always about win/lose but just achieving

Thanks CMOT. It does seem counter-intuitive in some ways but I think you are probably right. I'll steel myself for some scenes. Do you think it's normal?

I think they all do it to some extent (certainly ds and his friends are prone to it), although your ds certainly seems on the extreme end. But looking at dh's brothers (small age gap between them, large between middle brother and dh) the eldest is terribly competitive even now, so there might be something there.

I would say a team sport where he is competitive outside the house against strangers and can't take all the credit nor blame for winning or loosing. I think football (a team that plays in a league) has helped my kids a lot with several things, including coping with competition.

My 9 year old DS is just the same. Gets equally upset with school work, making a mistake is major upset - taken out on me and Dd after school of course!

This is going to sound a bit left field - but have you thought about cub scouts? Our son was the same in terms of winning / losing but since he's been at the cubs where they make such a big deal about good sportsmanship etc it has died away. He embarrassed himself when he lost at a race and has been more aware of his reactions since. Its just that there's plenty of opportunity to win and lose there, and they are all going through it together, so they get to understand that process all the better.

Thank you all. Yes he is at Cubs but quite new, so perhaps that will help. His bad sportsmanship seems linked with self esteem and shame. I can't put my finger on it. I just want to help him really - I will take all your suggestions on board.

Maybe he based his self esteem on winning...need to figure out what is reinforcing this idea and help him build self esteem in other non competitor pursuits. I wouldn't worry too much.. We are all built differently and a competitive nature might help him in later life. But he does need to realise you can't win everything. Is he generally controlling or anxious?