Hi -
I was a Teaching Assistant and voluntary helper in primary schools, for over twenty years.
We had plenty of 'challenging' children, but of course we only had them for a few hours a day, so the poor parents had them the rest of the time.
I often claim that children don't really WANT to be naughty, and constantly in trouble with teachers or parents, but something in their life or environment just pushes them into behaving in ways that incur the displeasure of adults. But how to find what that 'trigger' is, can seem to be an almost impossible task!
It is unfortunate that it has been going on for two years or more; what might have seemed a trivial problem in the beginning, just becomes part of 'everyday life' for all in the family the longer it goes on. It is destructive and upsetting for parents and child alike, but family life really should not be like that.
Can you think back to when she was VERY little; how was she the first weeks, and months, in terms of contentment, sleep, eating, interacting with parents? Could there have been any incident or change in her environment that unsettled her?
If you can think about that, and let me know sometime, I will then ask more questions about school, or preschool, to see if we can start to pin-down any possible causes.
Discipline, sanctions and 'reward charts' will not greatly alter what is going on in her head, so we need to 'tune in' to her world and her personality, to look for clues.