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bullying cousins

8 replies

popalot · 20/02/2015 11:11

My dd has 2 older cousins, both boys. One is 2 years older, the other 3. She is 8. The 2 boys are very close when we meet up as a family, like 2 peas in a pod, they spend all their time together giggling and doing boyish stuff. We often spend time together on holidays as a family for a couple of weeks or days out etc. The problem is the boys have increasingly ganged up on my daughter. It began when they were very young with general teasing, but that has developed into more aggressive behaviour where they push her under the water in swimming pools, constantly laugh at her, kick her, make snide comments etc. It is no longer occasional - it goes on for the entire time we are all together.

Any advice on how to deal with it? I don't want her to miss out on family occasions and trips to waterparks etc., but they now blatently ignore me when I ask them to stop or tell them it's not nice. Infact, they now laugh and snigger whenever I get involved. My dd just wants to play and it is very sad. I've told her it's not anything about her, just the way the boys are together, but it's just not a good enough excuse. I worry for them as much as her. Why do bigger boys think this sort of behaviour towards a smaller, younger girl is alright? Individually they are quite different, although one does display some anger issues, they will listen and behave. Together, they are a force of nature!

OP posts:
IDontDoIroning · 20/02/2015 11:15

Where are their parents - presumably one is either your it your dh sibling. Are they witnessing the behaviour and ignoring ?
You or your dh (depending on whose sibling it it) must speak to them.
Ultimately if it doesn't stop I would stop having these family get togethers and go on trips on your own. Why woukd you inflict this in your dd for the day in some extended family time with relatives who don't appear to care for her.

popalot · 20/02/2015 11:28

The boys together are generally poorly behaved and so I think my sisters and mum just react to that rather than specifically telling them to stop picking on my dd. For example, in a restaurant they make loud noises, throw straws around and complain about the food infront of waiters. They have been thrown out of a pool before for messing about on the inflatables and ignoring the lifeguards. It's like they're on day release.

The family do know my dd is on the receiving end of this bully behaviour, but it's like they have all got used to it and see it as normal, whereas I see it as quite odd and damaging. I feel they think my dd is wingeing and sensitive. Girlish, I suppose.

I guess I need someone to tell me to put my foot down and have the conversation I need to have with my sisters/mum. I had hoped they'd grow out of it, but their behaviour is making me seethe!

OP posts:
popalot · 20/02/2015 11:34

I have spoken to the boys too, from telling them it's not nice, asking for apologies when they hurt her to asking them what they think bullying is. I also explained what a 'gentlemen' behaves like. But they quite literally laugh in my face. It's pretty much ignored.

I have to admit, this last outing I spent my time watching out for it and then just making a physical barrier between them and dd by giving her a hug and asking what she was doing. I'm trying every tactic I can think of. But when it comes to them being reprimanded, that rarely happens.

I think I now need to put my foot down and speak to my family without the children present and explain it has to stop or we can't join in on the family events. It is going to cause a huge rucus and I'm not looking forward to it!!!

OP posts:
Tokelau · 20/02/2015 11:47

Can't you just stop seeing them?

When I was little my DP had friends with a DD a bit older than me. Our two families spent a lot of times together. The other girl was horrible, I tried to get along with her, but she just didn't want to be friends. She was nasty and argumentative all the time. Then my DM agreed that she could come to our house every day of the school holidays so that her DM could work. It was a nightmare. This went on from when I was about 4 to 11.

I used to tell my DM that I didn't like the girl and didn't want her there all the time, but she didn't understand how bad it was. It was only when we all went away for a weekend when I was about 12, and my DP watched her secretly trying to push my food onto my lap that they believed how bad she was. There's a whole list of things she did to me that I don't want to get into.

My DM now says that she is sorry, and she wishes she had believed me and not spent so much time with the family. It's too late now though.

Can you just stay away from them for your DD's sake? It doesn't sound like she is getting any benefit from her time with her cousins. I was told I was being oversensitive too.

popalot · 20/02/2015 19:43

oh dear, kids can be cruel! I am putting my foot down. I just hope it all turns out alright, for all the children. Mostly, I just want my dd to be able to enjoy her time with her family without feeling tense all the time. Thanks for the advice x

OP posts:
MadameSin · 23/02/2015 18:14

I would say that until it stops, there's no point in subjecting your daughter to their behaviour and you probably need to tell your sister the same ... be honest. It would be unfair to continue putting your child in that situation. Sounds, harsh but you need to put her feelings first ......

Tillytoes14 · 23/02/2015 20:21

What do the parent's do about their son's behaviour, do they tolerate it, or do they have something in place discipline wise? I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour and I don't think you or your daughter should. If the parents allow this to keep happening, then the children will
Just think they're allowed to behave in such a disrespectful way.

sugarplumfairy28 · 24/02/2015 07:52

IMO you have two options if you want to continue seeing your family, either you need to have a very realistic conversation with your sister and outline the problem and the effect it could have if it continues, i.e not seeing them at all. Or you take on the boys yourself, try time outs, taking away something that the're playing with, nothing too drastic. You have to do something to protect your daughter, perhaps you could see about having her bring a friend along on this and give her a way to not want to be around the boys.

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