12 month old screams in company of other children

[hld]

Hi, my son doesn't seem to handle being in the company of other children very well (he's fine and dandy with adults). When he is with other kids (of all ages really) he tends to burst into very dramatic tears (and scream) if they either 'talk' to him or touch him (or sometimes if they cry he just joins in, but much louder!!). I'm getting to my wits end as it makes being with other kids very difficult and I'm not sure how to respond to the outbursts (as it's so loud it's very hard to ignore as it's so distrupting!!. I've watched other kids and never seen any of them react in this way, so am looking for any advice or similar expriences to try and work out what to do.. thanks

thanks so much for this, I haven't heard of the term and it looks as though he could be one i'll have a good read of the website. how does your DD react?

Me too! My ds (16 months) is very similar. He's not classically sensitive (quite the opposite - not bothered by loud noises or bright light as a smaller baby, quite resilient to change) and not shy with adults, but recently with other toddlers he gets scared so easily. One time recently a younger baby - about 8 months - toppled slightly onto his foot and he completely freaked out.

I am totally with you in that it makes having a social life really really hard. He is even scared of his cousin now if he gets too close which is a shame as his cousin is so nice to him and would never hurt him.

Apparently my ds is fine at nursery with the other kids apart from he does over react if one of them touches him a bit too hard or whatever.

I wonder, has your little one had any bad experiences with other babies? I know my ds seems to have got warier since a couple of incidents - where a friend's son yanked at his ear really hard two playdates running and another where a toddler got him in a sort of headlock!

Part of me can't blame them for being scared of other toddlers - they are crazy little things!

The upside with my ds is that as yet he doesn't treat other kids badly - he doesn't steal toys (I will prob have to eat my words soon) and tends to give everything away to other people!

I'd be really interested to hear people's strategies for dealing with this too - do you ignore them even though they are scared as it could be attention seeking?

Someone I know who is a nanny thinks it's to do with me chatting to other mums and not giving him attention enough and so I should ignore his screaming.

Sorry to have rambled!

Kami - actually reading your post they sound so very similar. So your ds didn't start the toy stealing and hitting as he got older - that's encouraging as I just thought maybe ds was a late starter with that!

At the tumbletots type class we go to ds prefers to watch and take it all in rather than 'piling in' like the others. He just seems way more considered.

There's another thing that I find really interesting, he hardly ever bangs his head on things/ trips etc. There are several wires trailing from my pc across to the plugs and he just carefully climbs over them which friends with toddlers find quite surprising. Was your ds like this too? Just wondering if it is all part of being this personality type.

Thanks for the advice on being reassuring but not giving tons of attention. I will try that.

I do find it really hard and dread so called playdates.

Think I will buy the book as even though only some of it seems to apply to my ds there will no doubt be useful advice in there.

It's not surprising that my ds is sensitive as we seem to be a rather over-sensitive family on my side!

Do you find you have to choose your ds's playmates carefully as that's something I am thinking about.

Thanks for your help

Boo

lol re the precision.

I think our kids seem more like tiny adults - totally understand where you are coming from when you said something like that in your earlier post!

Weird isn't it.

I noticed today at nursery a little boy waved bye to us at picking up time and ds waved back and smiled so it seems he is making relationships there - even if he doesn't when I am with him!

Looked at the HSC book's contents on line and did the quiz and we only got 10, might still get it as there is probably advice on the sensitive aspects of ds's personality and I can just skip the bits that don't apply? Sound sensible?

We are meeting someone I only met recently for a coffee soon who has a younger ds who is apparently really smiley and easygoing - I have warned her it might be a shock with my ds around!!

yes you are probably right - it's just that he is only sensitive within a certain set of activities/ situations and not all round if you see what I mean.

Re nursery - I know your ds is older and to use the cliche they are all different but it took my ds a while to settle in to nursery too but after about 2 or 3 months of tears he now loves it. I guess they just need to get to know that the staff are nice and not going to hurt them and get to know the other kids.

re the 'ircle' thing - yes he does some pretty amazing stuff too and without sounding like a truly annoying boasting mum - we all think are children are mini einsteins - he has done almost everything quite early (apart from making friends with other kids!!!) and has a decent volcabulary already. But this is not hugely surprising as both dh and my family's are full of what would be called 'gifted' people these days. It's all quite fun and I suppose some compensation for the over sensitive incidents!

Your ds sounds very bright indeed to say something like (c)ircle so young and to notice the link with the moon.

I am probably asking a question that the book covers but do you find your son is quite well behaved compared to other kids, about the same or worse and what approach do you find works well for him with discipline?

I will get the book on order as it sounds like just what I need.

Thanks for your fab advice!

ha ha we had the exact same thing at the hairdressers a few weeks ago. I took him to this lovely children's hairdresser in Crouch End. The lady was SO patient but he still had a screaming fit!

We tried toys, distraction (which does still work sometimes - so much younger than your ds) everything to no avail. I just had to hold him tight too.

And the doctors the other day - oh my god did he get upset.

With other kids for my ds, loud noises aren't so big a problem, it's the physical stuff - like if a kid tries to hug him or comes very close.

I don't think my ds is as well behaved - sometimes he gets annoyed and throws things in temper. He is very strong willed.

Re the HV saying he might be gifted - it's such a stupid term. What happened to everyone using plain old clever, intelligent or bright - not as pc I guess. I have to say I have done quite a lot of research into 'giftedness' for my work and your ds sounds very very intelligent from some of the things you have said (the plane being too heavy comment). Sensitivity like this is a side-effect of high intelligence (I am not just saying that - as of course there are lots of very clever kids who aren't sensitive and vice versa.)

With my ds it's too early to see if he really is clever and as the godmother of a child with quite serious special needs I count my blessings regardless.

You sound very sensible about all that rather than talking it up and you are so attuned to his needs I am sure you will be aware if for example when he goes to school if he isn't being challenged enough.

Well, I've ordered the book on Amazon.

Will post on here when it arrives and I've read it (that could be in about a year - sadly never seem to get much reading time these days!)

Anyway thanks for your fab post - really interesting chatting - happy to continue if you want to keep swapping notes although I haven't as much to offer as less experienced given ds younger

The hairdressers is called Minikin - it's at the back of the children's clothes shop. I think it's on Crouch End Parade but search online as I don't remember the address. It was excellent - you need to book an appointment though and it's not exactly cheap.

It's a shame our sons aren't closer in age given we like vaguely near each other (I'm a bit further out than you but only 15 mins drive from Highgate and Muswell Hill) because we could have playdates where they both get scared of each other!! Actually they would probably both be very sensible so maybe they'd be ok with each other.

That's so sweet that he was sensitive to his little sister's feelings. He sounds lovely and will be a fab, very caring big brother.

Re school - my ds has a july birthday so at least we will benefit from that -seems a long time til school - the only problem is he isn't so tall so will be one of the Uncle Festeres!!

Yes where did all this hothousing come from - I remember just having fun as a kid and I did ok.

A shame isn't it.

Hi

Like the new name kami
I haven't managed to read much of it due to time constraints. Of the bits i have read some of it felt applicable to ds and some of it didn't but it was still useful.

He is still wary round other kids his age especially if tired or ill. Other times he has been a little better recently. I have learnt to let him go at his own pace - our chat on here gave me the confidence to do that. Was annoying the other day as some mums we met up with were really going on trying to encourage him to get off my knee and join in. I tried to explain that he will join in in his own time but they just didn't get it!

Thanks for asking after us - I really appreciated your advice.

Boo

absolutely - they meant well but it was really irritating although I was comfortable with my approach so it didn't make me feel too bad. I can be over-sensitive myself sometimes but not then!

He sounds a little bit like mine! My ds was ok with other children, but if another child cried, he would burst into tears too, as if he couldn't bear to see anyone unhappy (even children who weren't anything to do with us, e.g. travelling on the bus). My ds has also always been a very considered chap, and a great observer, and hardly ever tripped over or stepped on things. For example, he would never step on the flower beds, but walk carefully round them, unlike most of his friends. He was also very careful about things he picked up - if it was a food item, e.g. biscuit, he would eat it, but if it wasn't food, he wouldn't, even when he was really young.

But now he's nearly 6, he's still a little bit on the sensitive side. In some ways that's nice, because he notices if I'm upset, and comes and says something kind and gives me a cuddle.But I do worry that the normal rough and tumble which most boys take part in upsets him sometimes. He is definitely not a boisterous boy.

Actually funnily enough that's exactly what the other mum was saying i.e. oh he's shy.

Grrr.

I should really have said to her 'no he's not shy he just knows to be wary of your loony toddler son!!!'

Somuch - yes they do all sound similar. There is an upside and a downside to all this isn't there.

Mine also never puts non food items in his mouth and hasn't for a long time now. It's actually something I need to be careful of now as there are things i leave lying around that if other kids come and play might find dangerous.

I find most other toddlers like a whirlwind sometimes. luckily we know a couple who aren't quite so crazy so need to have them round more and the boisterous ones less!