2 year 3 months DS running wild

[Shil0846]

My DS is a wonderful bright little boy and I love him to bits. However I'm increasingly at a loss as to how to manage him. In fact Im tearing my hair out.

He has double, if not triple, the amount of energy of his peers. This is constantly commented on at the groups and classes we attend - often quite negatively. Eg "he's a nutter" or "he's a lively one" or "what did HE have for breakfast". I find it exhausting constantly to be chasing him around trying to stop him from being disruptive. He never comes when called, in fact he makes a point of shooting off in the oposite direction. If there is an open door he is out of it. He refuses to walk next to us and has to be carried kicking and screaming. (We have reins and wrist strap. )

Generally he never ever does as he is asked. Occasionally he can be threatened/bribed to do as asked. Even that has stopped working now as he doesn't think the sanction is worth behaving for. He just laughs at us as he ignores us and does the oposite. Or he has screaming tantrums when asked to do anything from put on your coat to come and have breakfast.

I have tried getting down to his level and explaining that such and such is wrong and we don't do that, but I might as well shout at the wind. Time out has no effect. I have even tried smacking him - but obviously not very hard as he just laughed at me.

Everything is such a struggle and I have no back up - DH works v long hours and is too tired to help at the weekend. DH loves our DS but doesn't enjoy being around him because of the bad behaviour and screaming tantrums. I do not know where to turn or how to get DS to behave so I can take him out of the house. Please help!

I'm also worried he might have behavioural problems so would welcome some assurance that this is normal two-year-old behaviour.

A lot of what you describe sounds well within the realms of normal. How is his speech and his understanding of what you're saying? 2.3 is still very young and most will still be struggling with impulsive actions and getting frustrated with what's going on. Their speech often isn't up to speed yet with their minds at this age which doesn't help.

I thought it might be helpful if i describe what I do with my DS:

• Flagging up well in advance what's going to happen eg "later on we're going to the library, in a little while we're going to the library, we're going to the library in 20 mins, we're going to the library in a few mins" etc etc. I do a frequent rundown of our day like this throughout the day so my DS knows what's going to happen.

• an extremely consistent approach to behaviour. If I say something then that's what happens, no matter what whinging or tantrum may result. I try very hard to maintain a calm but firm tone of voice. Don't threaten things that you can't follow through on, or that don't directly relate to the situation.

• giving a choice of two things both of which are acceptable to me. If he doesn't choose after a fair warning then I'll choose for him. This works for pretty much any situation. Praise him a lot for making a choice.

• praise generally. Any good/positive behaviour get praised even if very small. Aim for way more praise than instances of poor behaviour.

• getting out and about and having lots of fresh air and exercise helps a lot.

Also, your DH needs to sort himself out. My DP does long days and isn't home before bedtime on weekdays. Even so, at least 1 morning in the weekend he does everything so I can have a lie in. He also does his equal share of everything else during the weekend. He makes a point of getting up earlier than he has to each weekday morning to help me with getting my DS up. It isn't good enough for your DH to skip out on being a parent because he's tired! Tough luck because being a parent is more important than being tired. I think you need to discuss this with him and get his agreement to do his fair share of parenting.

I would completely agree. Ds2 is the same age and he is also pretty defiant, particularly when it comes to sanctions. We use timeout and he sits on the step but we do it consistently. It's starting to have some effect and it also gives me two minutes to collect myself and stops me loosing my temper, I can then be much more positive.

Your DH does need to step up so that you can show a united front.

This age is so frustrating. I agree with getting out and about - somewhere he can run riot, soft play or the park. My Ds will then have a decent nap and be much calmer in the afternoon.

I know it feels like it will last forever but it won't. Until then, there is wine.

Thanks both for your replies. I'm really glad that this sounds like normal toddler behaviour to you.

I'll try the wine and then try to implement some of your suggestions tomorrow. Thanks again.

My eldest was exactly like this - rings a lot of bells. She was diagnosed with ADHD (eventually) at 5.5 - I am not suggesting that you child does have ADHD but that it could be possible if this behaviour continues when he starts school and beyond (something to have on your radar perhaps)
My second child was nothing like this, very calm and did as she was told most of the time with the exception of the normal childhood tantrums that lasted a few minutes. Just showed me quite how severe and extreme DD1 behaviour was, thank goodness I only had her at the time.
Hopefully he will settle down, until then - get out as much as you can and give him opportunity to let off steam and get some exercise every day, this did my eldest wonders, we were always at soft play or at the park or swimming.I take her for long walks with the dogs now, we cover miles just to tire her out!

I would just say that it may take a while for any new approach to take effect. He's had 2.3 yrs to get to where you are now, so I wouldn't expect an instant change in behaviour.

It's also worth remembering that most 2 year olds struggle with controlling their impulses. People who made the horrible comments about your son are deeply unpleasant (calling a child a "nutter" in earshot of a parent is vile!) and completely lacking in empathy. Everyone's child is capable of having a bad day so please don't take those comments to heart.

I think that lots of praise for any little thing is really important, coupled with calmly following through with natural consequences where you can. It may well seem like you're repeating yourself and it's having no effect, but it takes a while for it to sink in. My DS is 2.6 and isn't perfect by any means, but he has got used to the consistent approach and knows the consequences if he doesn't listen. He still runs away and won't always walk next to me nicely but he knows what will happen if he doesn't. Often a warning is enough now.