Mediation, School Holidays, Contact & The Law

[mummytippy]

Does anyone know what happens if mediation is refused with regards to trying to sort out school holidays and contact (which is being eroded and made difficult)?

My ex partner is being awkward about the half term school holiday next week. I put a proposal to him last Oct (before the last half term) on the advise of my solicitor to suggest having our son the first half of EVERY holiday as I collect from school and it would save have to try a negotiate over every single holiday when we don't get on. I had my son for the first half of the October half term holiday.

The Court Order stipulates my contact as being alternate weekends and half of all the school holidays. I collect from school on Fridays and my ex collects my son on tea times Sundays returning our son to school on Mondays on the weekends I have contact. It was explained by my solicitor that normal contact of alternate weekends is suspended when the holidays come into effect and it's therefore normal for the parent who collects from school to have the child from school pick up until an agreed time on the Weds of say a week long holiday in order to best split the time.

My ex is saying it would normally be his weekend (as this next holiday falls only a week after I had my son (this last weekend). He is saying that based on this he should have our son the first week of this holiday and is saying he never agreed to my proposal last year which was clear.

I've explained that he hadn't objected to my proposal back last October and basically he informed we just over a week ago he has to work for the second half of the half term holiday so it won't work out for him.

I have booked all my leave based in my proposal put to him last October (as he didn't oppose it) and it seems to me he's only just realised about his work commitments so is turning it on me or simply doesn't like the fact my son will get to see more of me? In actual fact he's never had to worry about school holidays before at all as he never used to have our son during the holidays when I was the main carer.

Anyway, being the fair and reasonable person I am, I agreed to have the second half this time (despite having plans already which I've changed) on the agreement that things revert back for all remaining holidays and weekends as I have holidays etc planned and job share with a colleague who also has her holidays booked up to July (we've worked it between us).

He told me he's working Tuesday to Sunday (away) so I proposed to collect our son on Monday evening at a time to suit him and for him to collect our son after he's finished working on Sunday. It made sense that our son spends quality time with us both.

He is not accepting of my proposal (as it comes to more than half the holiday... But I figured I was being helpful as he is going away working anyway). He came back saying our son 'will be available from 12 Midday on the Wednesday' but hasn't said when he'd collect him. If it was to be Sunday (which I'm presuming) that would be an unequal share of the holiday (Weds Midday - Sunday tea time) so, 6 nights with him / 4 nights with me.

As it's been going backwards and forwards for the last 2 weeks and I've explained as I collect from school it's the best split of the time for me to have the first half - as I can't take my son to school (it's 95 miles away).

The portion of the holiday taken also pre-sets the next alternate weekends... So what he is suggesting would throw all of the weekends out of sync too and I have things booked (camping weekends) including my sons activities such as swimming and tennis which always run the first weekend of all holidays and not the second weekend.

Through it becoming such an ordeal, last week I contacted the mediation service and proposed a mediation session to sort it out because he's now being aggressive in his emails towards me. We are due to return (end of January) for a review appointment in any case.

He's now accusing me of involving solicitors if I 'don't get my own way' which is not the case. I've pointed out they're mediators and not solicitors (we've been for one session last November already) but he disagrees.

He is basically saying he has no annual leave left so cannot make an appointment. He has told the mediator the same.

I simply want to resolve things and our son currently does not know when he will see me next as a result and I can't make any plans where I should be able to talk to my son on the telephone to discuss next week with excitement. He seems to control everything and his attitude makes what should be simple things to arrange exhausting.

If anyone can help with their option on his attitude to mediation and my proposal of the school holidays , I'd very much appreciate it.

Thank you in advance.

I don't have much advice to offer I am sorry.

Having been through this, it does get easier. My exdh and I used to have awful arguments about contact and school holidays, even though we had been to mediation and it was all agreed. Now a few years down the line, I realise that the arguments were more about unresolved issues between us than seeing our kids.

We are now very amicable about contact and will change weekend/days if we have alternative arrangements. I called him yesterday to say that I needed to cut his weekend short to take DC to my mothers for half term, no problem at all. I few years ago I could not have done that.

Just keep trying to be reasonable and try not to get stressed about it. It will take time to get away from the bitterness.

Thank you for your message CalicoBlue.

I am sorry to hear you have had to go through this too.

The problems are precisely because there are unresolved issues between us. I ended the relationship with my DS's father when he was only a year old because it was an abusive relationship and had been for around 9 years. Despite that I never refused contact between him and my son. In fact I encouraged it as I didn't want my son to grow up resenting me for standing in the way (as it had happened to him with children he had had in a previous relationship). After we split our son lived with me and I was in effect a single parent with my son seeing his father only once a fortnight until I accepted a job after making an agreement with him.

Unfortunately now my son's father has custody (it is long story (I made a verbal agreement with him to let our son stay with him on certain school nights in addition to the weekends after being offered a job where I'm originally from). He turned this into something else (saying I'd abandoned my son) and he was basically untruthful about me in court (with tales of all sorts of things) and here I am with my son now approx a hundred miles away.

I feel like I am being punished but importantly what he does not see is that he is punishing our child in the process.

The Court Order has made things harder than they have ever been and have given my ex the feeling he has unstoppable power. It's quite sickening actually and I've actually joined a women's group relating to domestic violence and abuse.

What I'm wanting to know is what happens if mediation is continually refused by one party as we cannot agree and I'm finding it difficult dealing with him (because of his aggressive attitude). If anyone can help with that part of it I'd very much appreciate it.

Thank you in advance.

Also, forgot to mention I was advised to communicate with my ex via email so everything is documented.

Did you not mention at court that the reason you're no longer with your ex is because he was abusive? Are you content to allow your ds to live with an abusive individual?

In all honesty, putting aside the abuse, is it worth giving your ex an ultimatum - mediation or further court action for full custody based on his historic abuse?

I'm just not sure I could rest knowing that my ds was being raised by an abuser and would move heaven and earth to get him out of there.

I am sorry that your situation is so much worse than I thought reading your initial OP.

I don't think you can make him go to mediation, you could threaten court. But could you go through that again?

Do you think your ex is enjoying the fight? It probably gives him a sense of power over you.

If you have a review of the court decision, then maybe stepping away from the fight might work in your favour. Just show that you are not wanting to fight but want to be able to be a mother to your son and see him and look after him. Show that you are acting in the best interests of the child.

This must be so hard for you.

Thank you for message LittleLionMansMummy.

The domestic violence didn't get mentioned apart from it appearing on the initial Cafcass report. My solicitor said it was best to focus on my son and his education and facts like I'm a qualified teaching assistant.

Once the statements were exchanged I realised that this was a mistake as reading his statement compared to mine was horrible. His was basically full of untruths about me personally and mine was completely child focused which is what my solicitor had said to do. I realise now this was a mistake and my 'gloves should have been off'.

The police had even been involved prior to the hearing and there were police logs which weren't submitted.

Although I split from my ex because of his abuse and because I didn't want my son to grow up in a household where that happens, we split up 7 year ago so it didn't seem relevant if that makes sense... It is only now I'm reliving how I felt then.

I addition to this he does argue with his new partner (of 4 years) and our son has witnessed them arguing and fighting.

As far as Court action goes, rather than threaten him with going back I've documented everything and would be more likely to go back to Court (with what I know) 'quietly'. I just want my son back in the loving caring environment he was used to.

Thank you CalicoBlue.

My ex is almost certainly enjoying the fight and it is certainly a power trip. That much my solicitor put in the statement in that he is controlling.
I believe he went for custody of our son out of revenge at me ending the relationship and I'm cross at myself for now seeming naive enough to have trusted him with the temporary arrangement whilst my son finished his term at school.

I am exhausted by all of this but have got to do what I can for my son.

The simple fact he is evading attending mediation in my view surely would not go down well if Court becomes the only option to try to change things.

You have summed it up perfectly, I have never wanted to fight and just want to be able to continue being a mum to my son. His childhood has been stolen from him through all of this.

Latest today is mediators called me to say they have left another voice message calling a meeting.
They said if my ex doesn't responded they will issue me with a letter confirming he was not happy to mediate.
I cannot believe my son breaks up from school tomorrow and there are no confirmed arrangements.

Hi All

Been aware from here as been busy applying back to Court etc and wanted to just update the lovely ppl who've been so helpful and supportive.

My ds is finally going to have his voice heard through CAFCASS and a section 7 report is to be done. We have sat before a different Judge (to last year) twice already and he has reserved the next hearing of the case (Directions/Review Hearing) to be put before him too. We go back in August.

One problem I have is the Head of my ds's school. The Head has spoken to me as if on my side since last year and agreed to do a report for my solicitor (in Feb). After my solicitor 'chased' her politely for it a couple of weeks ago... a rather basic reply was sent back to her along the lines of:

'Both parents have attended a meeting and the reports for all the children will be issued at the end of term' ???

My solicitor was wanting a report detailing everything from number of meetings held with me... my ds's appearance... attendance etc.

In addition to this at the same meeting the Head said she'd speak to one of the independant educational professionals who assessed my son in Nov last year and hasn't. She said she wanted their viewpoint on my ds's wellbeing but after initially phoning them and leaving a message, she hasn't returned any of his calls.

Can anyone advise on where to go with this please?

I am not happy with the school... In my view they haven't supported my ds adequently and I've had conflicting reports from teaching staff on my son's progress ranging from the Head telling CAFCASS he's on level with his peers (he has a SEN)...

I've found homework and spelling tests in his tray in his classroom (a months worth) and on looking at his exercise books on parent consultation day... some of the work where he'd done work was shocking!
I want to raise this matter in Court (as part of being non-resident ties my hands on my level of support I can give my ds).

The Dyslexia Institute wanted to meet together with the school's SENCo and the above professional to plan my ds's way forward at the start of the school year and that didn't happen either. Firstly the SENCo left at Xmas and was replaced in January and my ds's father opposed external help saying the school had it all in hand and quoted the Head as saying they felt external help uneccesary. The Head told me she'd never said that (they would never refuse additional support for a child) but then she didn't intervien (as I feel she should have) and make this meeting happen. Surely the best intersts of the child should come first rather than upsetting my ex partner which is what seems to have happened. I have paid good money for independant professionals over the last 18 months to assess my ds and compile reports to help him and it all feels a waste of time.

Now here we are 6 weeks from the end of the school year and one member of teaching staff has concluded my ds had made little or no progress since last year... yet the Head has provisionally told CAFCASS my ds is on level with his peers... happy and settled apart from his awareness of the unrest between his parents... I feel so frustrated!

So far I have only 'expressed concerns' and not complained as I've not wanted to 'rock the boat' whilst the Head was supposedly compiling her report.

Should I ask my solicitor to write to her and ask why she's now not prepared to do the report which was requested... receiving the standard report at the end of term is too late, I'm aware I must say something and can't just leave things.

Anyone who can please advise or give a view. Thank you in advance.