18 month old very upsetting behaviour - advice please

[Glizz]

My daughter has got into a bizarre pattern of behaviour where she only wants the attention of one adult and shuns everyone else. The person changes but unfortunately I get the brunt of the rejection, some days she throw a tantrum if I walk in a room or look at her, if her Dad or Gran etc are there. It's embarrassing and upsetting, each person finds it funny until they are in receipt of it then they in turn realise how hurtful it is. It is beginning to affect our whole family, my husband wants to start naughty stepping her but I don't feel the behaviour is clear cut enough for it to work. It's been going on for a long time and I know it is likely still a phase but I need some advice on how I can manage it now. I get loads of quality time with her where we have fun but I feel that is all cancelled out by the fact she is so awful to me when someone else is around (not always, but especially this morning :-(). I know my MIL thinks she isn't bonded to me, and tbh in dark moments I wonder if that might be true.
Please help!

PS - I think there is also some onus on the favoured person to do a little supporting the other person too - so if you are the one in favour, you should be making sure the other person gets a big hug from you, and drawn into the conversation - model the behaviour you want her to see and make sure that you are including the other person as much as possible, even going slightly over the top - make sure you ask the other person what they want for lunch today, what they want to watch on TV, what they think about X or Y

I don't think the OP was snappy, but I can understand why she was upset that it was suggested that her dd had an attachment disorder and when she disagreed, was basically told she was in denial!! I think that was bloody awful and I'd be upset by too.

I would totally agree with the other posters that you shouldn't give in to her 'preferences'. With all tantrums if you hold out for ages and then eventually give in, you are basically teaching them that they will get what they want if they tantrum for long enough. I do think it would be worth speaking to a health visitor about how to tackle it, but I think you need to see it as a normal toddler control thing like you would about not wanting to wear shoes, not liking the colour blue as someone else said, etc rather than an issue with particular people. Toddlers are like little dictators and their tantrums are basically about wanting rule the world according to their own fickle opinions. They get through it when they realise the world doesn't work that way, but that they will be ok anyway.

she'll keep it up for as long as required.

Does this mean that someone always gives in to her before she gives up the behaviour?

It could be that she ought to be assessed by a paediatrician because, as Pag said, it is easy to assume it is our parenting that is causing the issue when, in fact, it is the child's neurology.

However, you need to think very carefully about whether she has learned that she can basically control you by screaming loud enough for long enough to get what she wants.

Toddlers who try to control adults, don't really want to control adults; they want to find out how much they can control adults. They need to find out that they basically can't and be enabled to learn where having their say ends and unreasonable behaviour begins. Have you given your DD very clear boundaries to help her work out exactly where she stands or do those boundaries change?

If it could be that she has learned that she can decide who does what with her and impose her will by screaming/crying/tantruming, she will feel unhappy and insecure.

I would try making some pretty clear rules and sticking to them rigidly for a while.

If she refuses to play with you both together, the game ends and she doesn't get to play with either of you.

If you walk into the room while she's with your DH and she kicks off, he moves away from her and refuses to engage with her until she has accepted your presence.

If one adult starts doing something with her, that adult finishes it no matter what she does in response.

Don't punish her. She is too young and it will just confuse her. Do everything calmly and positively and respond positively very quickly if she adapts her behaviour in response.

If a few of weeks of very clear and very consistent boundaries don't work, I would definitely see the GP and ask for a referral to a paediatrician.

Dd does this. She screams if dh (or anyone else) holds her. Even if she can still see and touch me. Ds was even worse! It will pass, but just ignore it.

It does sound like you are pandering to your DD and allowing her to dictate who she will 'allow' to be with her?
If her behaviour is so upsetting perhaps you do need her assessing by a professional but it could be you are actually making her worse by being so accommodating of her behaviour.
It does come across that you are being hesitant because it is upsetting you so much so your DD is being giver power that she does not understand herself and it is confusing her.
I would think she needs to know someone is in control but as it is she feels she can decide who does anything with her.
I think you need the advice of someone professional because it is not something you are finding able to manage yourself.

Hi, I'm back. Yes, I do think we let her control us to a certain extent. There is so much greyness because it's not just that she won't put her shoes on, or hits for example, where there can be a clear boundary or result, sometimes it's just a case of wanting to hold a certain person's hand, or not wanting a cuddle, completely her right. Then it seems all of a sudden to escalate to something more extreme as I've described. She was like it about 6 months ago, then it settled, and maybe if I'm honest in that time she may have been quite clingy to me, which I don't notice as much. Then this week my dh is off, my ds is ill so has really needed me, and she has responded like this. I know it's me, too. I find it so hard to cope with I either get really upset or try and lavish her with attention, both things obviously make her recoil from me. When she is like it to her dad he just ignores it and it passes. For no particular reason I just don't feel as confident in our bond. My husband tries to include me or tries to disappear off to do jobs and leave us alone, he really doesn't like the way she can be either. I do appreciate your comments and suggestions, and will chat to my husband about what you've mentioned.

I didn't think you were snappy OP? fwiw as irrational as it is I'd be gutted and embarrassed too and it does sound extreme. My dd regularly favours dh and it's annoying but doesn't sound in the same league here.
Your dd sounds smart. I agree with a pp who said that your dh needs to be cool with her the second she rejects you and instead instead walk towards you for a hug or chat or something. Is she any better outside? The only thing I can think of is a massive distraction technique whereby the second she kicks off it's coats on all around and outside on a little toddler trike or something that she can be whooshed along on...

Do you lack confidence that she loves you? You have to realise that your child will love you no matter what you do so try to relax about that. Try to have some confidence that she does need you and that by being firm with her will not result in her hating you!
She WILL pick up on your insecurity though. Do what your husband does and try not to let guilt or fear of her not loving you change how you know you should be dealing with this.
Many children get away with all sorts because the parents or a parent is afraid of upsetting them. Children get upset - it doesn't mean you have to dance to their tune.

I'm going to have one more go at explaining could be misunderstood as being pissy - if you actually wasn't. It implies you think people are not understandingbwhat your saying.

After reading all the replies and the responses you have given I'm at a loss to see what you expect of this thread.

You feel hurt that your 18 month old appears not to like you. Your husband wants to punish her. It's effecting all your family

She is 18 month old. Not even been on this earth two years. Ignore it. Go do something else. She doesn't hate you. How can a 18 month old hate anybody??

OP her behaviour sounds horrendous to live with. So stressful and extreme, I'm kind of stunned. But then she's so little too. I agree with others who've said a few weeks of really sticking to those boundaries and calmly (you not her) showing her that she cannot dictate the whole running of the house at 18 months is needed. And if there's still problems then hv, gp or a referral. I think you were v harsh on Pagwatch - we asked if there could be an attachment disorder, no one was foolish enough to diagnose one, and people have been trying to help. And we asked because the situation was so extreme. No one was judging. But you have to help her overcome this behaviour by whatever means is advised because imagine how many problems her expectation of this much control over social situations could cause her in nursery or school.

I totally hear what you are saying and I don't think you were being grumpy....I think you were having one more go at explaining exactly what is happening....so we can all appreciate how bad it is for you right now. I have a two year old who can be very like this..especially when tired. It sounds nothing like an attachment disorder to me but like a form of temper/control. Unfortunately I think it's is one of those things you are going to have to ride out. Ignore it and carry on.....even if you are all crying, she cannot control who does what and that is that.often young children can push away the person they are very closest too, because they are closest to them, because they trust them enough to do so..... She wouldn't do it as often with others because she can't trust they will love her regardless like she dan trust you. Please don't see it as a sigh she isn't bonded......it looks to me like she is bonded very well to you and so feels fully able to vent her frustrations on you like she can't on others.

I think you need to build your own self esteem back up op.

Hi

I doubt she hates you at 18 months - just exploring her power over people. I expect that if others found it funny, they have inadvertently encouraged it by laughing, or going along with it and giving her the attention she wants. I had a sister like this - she grew out of it then had a daughter the same

They need to support you by giving her something like a simple puzzle to do on her own, then not fussing over her. They could say ' we don't want to do x - why don't you try y'. If necessary, leaving the room. Then if she plays on her own nicely, 'good playing' will suffice. If she is doing something that you want, or have clearly asked for, then always praise the behaviour, in a positive but not fussing way.

If you feel it is beyond normal and she is unusually persistent in it, then have a word with your HV and stress this. They will probably want to reassure you that it is nothing, but you cannot know that without being referred to an expert. If you feel the need, then it is well worth investigating whilst she is young, even if it turns out to be nothing.

How are you op?

Just throwing something else into the mix, do you think she could have some sensory issues? It could be as simple as your perfume making her sick, my son would have reacted very similarly and its hard not to get offended but all behaviour is communication. Have you heard of sensory processing disorder?

Your daughter loves you, she is a baby and adores you, her mother, end of story. Find the motives behind the behaviour rather than looking at the behaviour. Lots of under 5year olds have sensory issues. Is there even a small possibility that it could be this? Best wishes with working it out. Your daughter loves you and is not doing this because she is bold, that's my opinion anyway. I hope you find some answers.

Hi again, just wanted to post this link below about sensory processing disorder. Now as I said I might be COMPLETELY WRONG and I frequently am, it was just when you said she was covering her eyes etc, it reminded me of my son. We brought him to occupational therapy at age 2 and he is perfect now. He was just getting overwhelmed.

www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorder-checklist.html

3 lucky stars.... That's really interesting reading, thanks for posting. It really reminds me of the sun of a friend of mine who can't cope at all with my ds crying and demands that he stop and always tells us to stop talking!!!

Op, I just want to say thanks for posting your op and it is a very sensitive issue so I understand if you felt a little bristled. I go through phases like this, although not quite so extreme, with ds who is 16 months. There is often a very clear preference for dh and this even shows when he favours dh when he gets himself or is feeling poorly which is when it hurts the most. I work longer hours than dh, Dh picks him up from nursery whereas I leave him there which are some of the things which I think contribute. However, I bf until ds was 12 months so had kind of hoped that that bond was solid. I think it is but every now and then there's some rejection there.

I get over it by feeling simply grateful that ds has such a great bond with his daddy. Not everyone has that and I'm really grateful for it and I know it's so good for ds. Sometimes we let him choose who he wants to go to but we won't allow him to refuse to go to either one of us... If he starts to cry if I take him from dh to get dressed for example, he just has to deal with it and pretty much always stops as soon as we are out of the room.

It has caused me lots of upset, in particular because he is an egg donation baby so I convinced myself at one stage that ds could feel the was no generic bond between me and him which was totally ridiculous and luckily I've got over that now. Please don't feel she doesn't love you. I'm sure she's just testing you and has just realised that you and dh are actually two individuals, not just one person. I think you might just have to do like others have said and just put a brave face on infront of her.