Parents of high needs children - can you help me be more tolerant of mine?

[notmuchofaclue]

Dd is 2.9 and has always been a sensitive girl. The problem is that she and I are totally different personalities and I'm not remotely sensitive to new environments etc. As a result I really struggle to be tolerant of her or understand her behaviour. I know this is my problem not hers but I don't know how to change it and it really gets me down.
The thing I find hardest is that we can never predict how she'll react when we go out anywhere. If she's not happy (and it's rarely obvious why, in spite of her being a really good talker she either can't or won't verbalise it) she will whinge and shout until someone (usually me) gets fed up and we all have to turn around and go home. Of course, she will also then shout and whinge that she doesn't want to go home. Other times I'll be nervous that she'll be a nightmare, and she'll end up being fine and having a great time. It's just impossible to know but I find it so stressful as she's often the only one being a grump while all the other kids are having a great time. It's as much the feeling that she's missing out on so much that gets me down, as my shameful embarrassment at how she reacts in situations (and of course my own negative reaction to it which does not show off my great parenting skills!).
She can be such a great girl, bright funny and smiley - but i don't know how to bring that side of her out more, and to be more tolerant of the behaviour I just don't understand. It's like I just see red when she starts up when we're out, I don't shout at her but I can feel my blood start to boil. Today we went to a lovely place with a playground and woodland walks, the sun was shining and it was lovely. Within minutes she'd started whinging/shouting about stuff that didn't make sense - 'mummy don't stand there', 'daddy stop doing that' (daddy not doing anything), 'daddy pick me up', 'daddy put me down noooo pick me up!'. 20 minutes of shouting later and we were back in the car, me on the verge of tears and her asking why we were going home.
Please can anyone with sensitive children help me know how to deal with this? It's impossible to avoid situations that will make her react like that because there's no consistency to it. We don't go to soft plays or swimming pools as that's mostly (but not always!) going to get a bad reaction but other than that I am clueless, we can't just lock ourselves away at home.
Sorry that was long, but if anyone has any advice I would be really grateful for it!

Sorry, I meant 'sensitive' in the title not 'high needs'. I'm not sure what constitutes a high needs toddler but I know for certain that she's highly sensitive.

What sorts of activities does she enjoy doing?

No time now, but marking place to come back later. I'm still working on this, and dd1 is 6... but I do have some tips.

She's quite hit and miss on activities she enjoys (unless you count TV ). For example, we went to a birthday party and she shouted and screeched for the first 30 mins, by the end of it she was running around with balloons laughing hysterically and we could hardly get her to leave. It all seems to depend on her mood on the day. She loves going on swings at playgrounds, sometimes slides - but until about 6 months ago she wouldn't go on any play equipment if another child was on it. But today even the swings didn't hold her for long before she randomly shouted to stop. Sometimes we'll go to see friends with other kids and she'll cling to us complaining that she wants to go home. Other times recently she's gotten straight down and started playing with toys.
Not a great answer I know!

I find it interesting that you say she is highly sensitive, that you are totally the opposite, and then you say after 20 mins of your dd being a bit annoying, you say you give up on your morning out and are on the verge of tears. That bit, really is not normal.

Very normal for a little one to be testing boundaries / working out how much control she has of the world around her - all the 'ordering' you and her Dad about really isn't odd, but you not being able to work with that is the odd bit in my book, expecially when it reduces you to tears. Surely on a woodland walk / park place, you distract, have fun run ahead, laugh, distract again, do pick her up, swing her round, etc.,etc.... isn't that what you went there for ?

Prior to that description of the morning, I was going to suggest you let her know in advance a lot more where you are going, what you are doing there, who else will be there, and even 'when we've done this, we will be doing that' type warnings.

My DD is only about 6 months older than yours. She was very much like this. Parties, other people's houses, toddler groups etc were often a nightmare with DD clinging, whinging and asking to leave.

I know how stressful and crappy it is when all the other children seem to be having a blast and you're the one with the miserable child!

For us, it was just time which made the difference. In the past 4 months, DD has started really enjoying all the situations she previously seemed to find so stressful. It's made a huge difference to our lives.

I'm sorry there's no practical advice in my post but I just wanted you to know you're not alone and for us, things spontaneously improved.

I second letting her know about things in advance. I do this all the time (think it's from being a teacher with similar sounding children in my classes). Even if we have a surprise planned we will tell the DC " we have a lovely surprise for you. It's something you've done before and really enjoyed..." Or if we are going somewhere where plans could change "we are going swimming BUT if it is fully booked we will go to the duck pond park instead."

Can you give your DD a get out clause? So you tell her if she doesn't like somewhere she can say "don't like it" and you will go straight home with no fuss. Or tell her that if she says "don't like it" you time 5 mins on your phone and make a decision to stay/go after that.

Backforgood, I did acknowledge the shortcomings in my parenting skills and my reaction to her behaviour. My lack of sensitivity was in reference to how she reacts to new situations, which I've never been worried about. But I know that my reaction to her isn't what it should be.
To put it in context, she's like this almost everywhere we go, and even with my DH's best efforts (he's a great deal more tolerant than me) to distract etc., once she's started on that path it's really hard to snap her out of it. She doesn't want to walk, doesn't want to be held, just shouts 'noooo' at you if you try to get her to laugh. We've been on holiday for 10 days when she's refused to go anywhere near swimming pools or beaches, or play in any of the playgrounds because other kids are there. It sounds like I'm making excuses for myself but it's exhausting. Even DH gets stressed by it and he's v laid back. Ok so I am also 6 months pregnant and not entirely myself. The being on the verge of tears thing might have made me sound a bit nuts. I don't think I am. But I know that I am very intolerant, and that is definitely not a good thing.

Letmedrivethebus that's really good to know. Before your dd changed, how did you react to her when you were out in one of those situations?

I don't think she is sensitive she sounds like a normal irrational illogical toddler!

I clicked on this not really thinking I would have anything to offer but my ds was/is actually very similar. He is 4 now and much better, although we do tend to do "predictable" things.

He was always the one sat on my knee, miserable, wanting to go home. Just before Christmas we went to PIL (we were staying overnight, which is rare) SIL and cousins were there too.I turned to dh and said "It's taken him 4 and a half hours to come round and join in" now, had we not been staying over, we'd have been on our way home! We went away for 5 days last summer and it took him 3 and a half to enjoy himself!!

It has got easier as he's got older. DD (2) is totally different, and this has help DS settle and join in more. Not that I'm recommending another dc is a solution!!

What has helped us: prepare ds as much as possible for outings, it's a fine balance between telling him too far in advance (and him worrying) and dropping it on him. We try to find videos on YouTube if we are going somewhere completely new, so he knows what to expect or even websites with photos. If we are going to the park, we go to the same one. We don't cram too much into the day so he's not too tired, which will mean a tantrum. But we are also quiet strict. We don't go home/give up, we have an end point (maybe lunch in a cafe after the park) and won't cut short what we are doing so he "wins" It is hard, and awful to think that they might not be enjoying themselves. I think with my ds, he wants to enjoy himself so much he doesn't know how to cope so he just sabotages it so he doesn't have to (which is a familiar thought/sensation instead)

Jimmycorkhill thanks, we do often talk about where we're going. Sometimes it helps but other times she'll immediately say 'I don't want to', and that will almost set her mood about it. I like the get out clause idea but we have family and friends scattered all over the country, so it'd be hard to implement in some situations when we've gone visiting. Last weekend we went to see friends for the day and night. As soon as we were there she said she wanted to go home but half an hour later she was really enjoying herself and was fine until we went home the next day, even saying she wanted to go again. It's hard to separate out when she REALLY doesn't want to be somewhere versus the default 'I don't want to...'.

Newtonupontheheath a lot of what you've said sounds very familiar. I do have a second dc on the way, I did wonder if he might have a different personality that could bring her out of her shell. YouTube and websites for new places is a great idea. And yes, the same park helps, I guess it's all just about familiarity. Interesting point re. sabotaging things - I often feel like my dd does that but have never understood why.

Heels99 you may be right, but she's still seems to stand out from all the other illogical irrational toddlers or young kids we know!

Good advice from new

I really do empathise with your emotions around this OP. I found it hard to keep my cool and not make a big deal of it.....but I tried my hardest. In all honesty, I avoided certain activities like toddler groups for a bit. DD goes to nursery so I knew she was getting plenty of opportunity to be in busy environments witb other children. I carried on with parties and certain outings to other people's houses. Tried to distract while we were there, which sometimes helped and sometimes didn't.

I agree that having a younger sibling has helped. Baby is now a year and the opposite of DD in character.

My DD is like this. The thing is, when she is in a strop there is no pulling her out of it. She can't be cajoled into a racing game, or picked up and spun round. Once she is in meltdown mode, it was like she was looking for a fight and nothing, absolutely nothing, would pull her out of it. The only way to defuse the situation is to leave. She has ruined many trips out. I recognise that feeling of being powerless and close to tears because of the behaviour.

She is now 7 years old and still does it, but obviously she's a bit better at vocalising her discomfort and we know her 'ways' a lot better - so we're good at gauging her mood beforehand, we know what she can and can't cope with and adapt accordingly. It's just trial and error really. So I know my DD struggles with any activity that involves a lot of walking, any activity that requires her to behave a certain way in an enclosed space (so museums, shops are difficult for any length of time), anything that involves big crowd (so carnivals, parades etc). These are her trigger activities that may lead to a meltdown of some sort so we tend to avoid them. But on some days she is better than others so we take each day as it comes.

I think we scaled our activities back quite a lot around the age of 2 - and even now we probably go out a bit less than other families. DD is always very happy to stay at home. She doesn't do any after school activities because she really doesn't want to.

And don't feel bad for feeling the way you do it is frustrating and upsetting to have to constantly deal with this behaviour. That's normal. I have perfected a look of zen like calm now when DD is kicking off but it's taken 7 long years to perfect and underneath I'm doing a homer Simpson style throttle

Sorry, notmuch I didn't in any way mean to imply there were "shortcomings in your parenting", I was interested in the fact that you said you were very different, and yet, you were on the verge of crying after 30mins of what - in your description - sounds very normal 2 yr old behaviour. that sounds like a very sensitive soul to me.

Without seeing her, it's quite difficult to know if there is anything more than normal 2 yr old stuff. Does she go to playgroup or Nursery at all ?

to the inner homer simpson style throttle!!!

Oh and theres a couple of books that have helped me recommended to me by other mumsnetters:
The Highly Sensitive child
The explosive child
I think they're called of the top of my head, both v helpful with understanding and dealing with children like this.

I totally empathise...and think you're being a bit harsh on yourself given that you are pregnant also.

DD1 was a nightmare at that age- sometimes will revert to it. "How to talk so kids will listen" was a lifesaver as I felt completely useless as a parent.
I did used to worry about how others were judging my parenting also..but I have completely got over that. Only the judgey pants will be looking and I dont value their opinions.

Social stories are used with children on the autistic spectrum- I am not suggesting that your DD is like that but the strategy is useful.
i.e. "DD first we are going to the playground. There are swings at the playground. You like swings. Other children may be using the swings. They like to swing too. We will wait our turn on the swings. When it is 10.30 on Mum's phone we will get in the car to come home".

I was thinking about you OP whilst I was folding the washing... My brother was similar to you dd and my mum very much facilitated his moods by "pandering" (for want of a better word) to him. There are 11 years between us and so we older ones were told that that's what babies/toddlers were like and we regularly changed plans based on his whims. Even now mum doesn't go to evening parties etc because they are "hard work" I'm only really saying this because this has influenced how I deal with my ds. I am determined to have him happy and sociable!!

As others have said, a clear plan for the day helps a lot. The same outings repeatedly, but with minor differences that are a little uncomfortable but not meltdown triggers (eg same park, different route to playground, different snack in cafe).

Also setting expectations - we will go swimming, we expect you to have your armbands on or hold on to mummy / daddy, afterwards if you have used your nice voice and listened well we will have a hot chocolate in the cafe.

Age does help, but it brings other issues (playground at school is noisy, unpredictable and busy - which is still tough for her).

Finally, I found a sling invaluable, right up to about 4.5. If she was overwhelmed she went up on my back, curled up against me, closed her eyes and sucked her thumb. She felt safe there, and quite often recharged enough that she felt able to come down and join in again after half an hour.

Oh, and I grit my teeth. I even have a mouth guard

Don't have time to read all the replies so apologies if it's already been mention but have you read the "spirited child"? My son is just like this and I found it really helpful. Part of it involves just accepting that you can't change your child's temperament but you can bring out the positive aspects of it.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the responses. Desperatelyseeking, holding on to the crossness as you put it is something I struggle with - in adult relationships as well as with my dd! My DH drives me mad because he can move on straight after we've had words, whereas I just want to sit and sulk. Very grown up! My dd is as you describe, can be furious one minute and a Ray of sunshine the next. I have to really try hard not to want to give her the cold shoulder. Then later on I feel the guilt for having been like that!
Backforgood I don't think of myself as sensitive (of course that doesn't mean I'm not!) but I am a worrier - I worry about how other parents might judge me/my dd (which I wish I didn't), worry about whether my dd is happy, worry about whether her behaviour is normal. She doesn't start nursery until September, and is looked after by my MIL while DH and I work full time. In the midst of a hideous holiday abroad I did sit there googling autism spectrum, but most of it didn't ring true. I think she probably is 'normal' whatever that means, she's just not like the other children we know.
Newton I feel just the same as you - I just want her to be happy and sociable and I love it when she lets go and allows herself to have a good time. I don't want to pander to her, but I also don't want her to feel like she's not good enough if you know what I mean.
Theyellowcat that did make me smile, I need to perfect my poker face I think!