imaginary friend but he is old man

[FarFarAway]

DD3 who is 7 nearly 8 has had an imaginary 'friend' for about a year. Except she says he is not really her friend but in her head. She can describe him clearly and he is old with white hair and a beard and wears a white t shirt with black trousers. She calls him Mr something, we'll call Mr Big. Sometimes he is there and sometimes he's not because he is sleeping or has gone shopping. Sometimes he talks alot and is quite annoying because he talks so much. He tells her things like 'do your best at school' and they decide things together.
It all seems a bit weird to me sometimes. She says he is not her friend but just there. Less of an imaginery friend and more like someone in her head.

As background DD3 does have a lot of difficulties at school, some behavorial difficulties and has experienced lots of change with my separation from ex DH. And Mr Big appeared around this time. Could he be a coping mechanism for her or should I be worried? She seems a little old to be having imaginary friends.

I don't think you should be particularly worried, and as you say, it could be a coping strategy. Does she still see her Dad? Separations must be difficult for children to deal with, and they can dream up all sorts of reason why it happened, even feeling it is their fault, of course.

What is her work and attitude like at school? Is there a grandfather or other elderly male who could have triggered Mr Big for her?

There is a condition called "maladaptive daydreaming" that has been known about for ten or twelve years, and there is a lot of discussion and research about it on the 'web', but it is not accepted yet as being 'real' by the NHS I don't think.

If you do look at any sites about it, I warn you in advance, some are rather weird and 'freaky'.

How interesting. On the face of it I'd not be concerned, it could well be a coping mechanism at a difficult time & Mr Big will just fade away once he's not needed. He could be a device to talk through her difficulties, he could be a comfort/reassurance & act as a constant friend, he could be a second voice type of thing where she is able to clarify problems & understand them if they are presented through him & have that distance. (So she can step away from the problem & look at it anew rather than it surrounding her iyswim.)

I would be asking some questions about him though as the 'deciding things together' seems to stick out to me from your OP. Stuff like:

1. If they disagree on a course of action then does Mr Big ever override what DD wants & then she acts on his 'decision' & doesn't do what she thinks is best?

2. Can she get rid of him if she wants for a while? Does she control him/his appearances?

3. Does he tell her to do things (not things that are necessarily wrong, just ordinary stuff)?

4. if you ask DD if he is real, what would her response be?

Thanks for your replies. i googled maladaptive daydreaming and is a little surreal. She doesn't seem like a dreamer. I think Mr Big is very present at school which is a big challenge for her as she has severe learning difficulties. She says he is there a lot in class and they decide how to do maths problems etc. I have had a lot of difficulty getting the school (not uk) to accept she has a learning difficulty (dyslexia mixed) and they were telling her off for lack of work or being inattentive when she was pretty much completely lost in the lesson. After numerous appointments with the school doc and speech therapists the school is finally on board but it has taken a long time and i think her self esteem took a severe knock.

I have never asked what happens if she disagrees with him but I will ask. I don't think she can get rid of him but he does go to sleep or go off and do something else sometimes so he is not there. usually he has gone shopping! As for the last 2 questions I am not sure as I haven't asked yet but I will do.

She does see her Dad and has a good relationship with him but I know she doesn't like to be without me. She is very clingy and attached so perhaps this grandfather like figure conforts her. Although she does say he is a bit annoying sometimes and won't stop talking. I am going to ask some more questions

When I was the same age I had a teacher I hated. She was a bit of a bully to me (I felt) and belittled me in front of the class. From then on I used to talk to Hulk Hogan. I imagined he was with me and having him there helped me through school.

At around age 6 me and my twin sister had a joint imaginary friend who was a rather prim Middle Aged lady call Mrs Mullins. She had lots of imaginary children and was rather strict with them (and us!).

A bit odd, perhaps. But harmless! We are both fine!

We had an imaginary friend of dds for a year or two. She was a very tall teenage fairy. One day she just packed up and left. I found it quite odd at the time, but now it just seems cute. Dd is very dreamy and imaginative.

The following might possibly help with Maths. The important thing is to try and UNDERSTAND numeracy, and not just do things from learnt instructions, but without the understanding:

Practical things are best for grasping number concepts - bricks, Lego, beads, counters, money, shapes, weights, measuring, cooking.

Do adding, taking away, multiplication (repeated addition), division (sharing), using REAL OBJECTS as just 'numbers' can be too abstract for some children.

Number Bonds of Ten forms the basis of much maths, so try to learn them. Using Lego or something similar, use a LOT of bricks (of just TWO colours, if you have enough) lay them out so the pattern can be seen of one colour INCREASING while the other colour DECREASES. Lay them down, or build up like steps.

So:

ten of one colour none of other
nine of one colour one of other
eight of one colour two of other
seven of one colour three of other

etc,

then of course, the sides are equal at 5 and 5; after which the colours 'swap over' as to increasing/decreasing.

To learn TABLES, do them in groups that have a relationship, thus:

x2, x4, x8

x3, x6, x12

5 and 10 are easy

7 and 9 are rather harder.

Starting with TWO times TABLE, I always say: "Imagine the class is lining up in pairs; each child will have a partner, if there is an EVEN number in the class. If one child is left without a partner, then the number is ODD, because an odd one is left out."

Use Lego bricks again, lay them out in a column of 2 wide to learn 2x table. Go half way down the column, and move half the bricks up, so that now the column is 4 bricks wide. That gives the start of 4x table.

Then do similar things with 3x and 6x.

With 5x, try and count in 'fives', and notice the relationship with 'ten' - they will alternate, ending in 5 then 10.

It is important to try and UNDERSTAND the relationships between numbers, and not just learn them 'by rote'.

An inexpensive solar powered calculator (no battery to run out!) can help learn tables by 'repeated addition'. So: enter 2+2 and press = to give 4. KEEP PRESSING = and it should add on 2 each time, giving 2 times table.

There are good web sites, which can be fun to use :

www.ictgames.com/

www.resources.woodlands-junior.kent.sch.uk/maths/index.html

wow! Thanks for the info Ferguson. Are you a primary school teacher? They do a lot of the learning by 10 at school. And she does more of the visual stuff with a special needs teacher twice a week. We do some stuff at home but not enough i know. Long working days here.

I particularly like the reference to Hulk Hogan! I bet you felt reassured by his presence.

I have asked some more gentle questions about Mr Big. Apparently she can't get rid of him at will. She doesn't seem unhappy with this. Sometimes he does get angry with her if she doesn't agree with him but she doesn't necessarily do what he wants and she does think he is real because she can see him. When we were talking about him I asked if he was talking at the same time as me. Apparently no because he was listening to me. Not sure where to go from here or just wait for Mr Big to pack his bags and go when he or she is ready. She does have some kind of special behavourial person she sees once a week at school and I said maybe she should tell this person about Mr Big. She doesn't want to because he will think she is crazy.

I was a primary Teaching Assistant and voluntary helper for twenty-five years; now retired.

I started as a 'parent helper' when our DS started school. One of my first 'readers' turned up in another school, seventeen years later! She was on her final year of Teacher Training, and our roles were reversed: SHE needed to direct ME in the classroom.

So now I help where I can, on MN!