Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

Complex nearly 5 year old

16 replies

Mollymoo16 · 05/02/2015 21:30

My son is 5 in a weeks time. He has always been a bit complex, not wanting to join in at things or being the only one in tears at a birthday party for no obvious reason. This causes major rows with me and my husband, as I go to comfort him and he tells me I need to be more firm and not put up with his bad behaviour. We recently enrolled him at swimming lessons as he has always been a bit reluctant to go in the water and again this has caused problems on holidays etc. He is always keen to go to his lesson, but once he's there he has tantrums about not jumping in, behaves badly for the teacher and then screams during his shower afterwards (so much so that my husband feels like people will be thinking he is beating him in there). I'm at a loss of what to do. All the other children come out of their lessons smiling and telling their parents how much fun they had and our son is always the one trailing and huffing behind. It sounds so bad (and I feel ashamed to say it) but we almost feel embarrassed as his behaviour often sabotages the other children's lesson time.

Can anyone who might be in a similar situation offer any kind of advice? We just want him to be happy and have fun and to be the same as everyone else. It's really getting me down and I'm starting to blame myself now for maybe molly coddling him too much when he was younger...

All replies gratefully received.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Asleeponasunbeam · 05/02/2015 21:37

Read 'The Highly Sensitive Child' by Elaine Aron. Your DS sounds just like my DD. I've just recently read this and found it really helpful in seeing her differently.

Original poster

Mollymoo16 · 05/02/2015 22:08

Thank you Asleeponasunbeam I actually ordered that book a while back and started to read it but then my daughter was born and I haven't got back to it as she never sleeps! I will definitely give it another go. How is your daughter now?

OP posts:

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 05/02/2015 22:13

I have one of these. I also recommend the book. Stop taking him swimming if he hates it - go with him and do stuff he wants to do. Take his feelings seriously.

The "mollycoddling" has nothing to do with it. If you go down hard on him it will only get worse. Be sensitive and empathetic and understand why he feels that way. Obviously don't put up with bad behaviour but don't force him into situations he really hates either.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 05/02/2015 22:15

By the way, I frequently fail at acting on my own advice! I have only just stopped forcing my DS to learn to ride his bike - we are now much happier.

dancingwitch · 05/02/2015 23:45

I doubt your DS is the only one not smiling and laughing at the end of his lesson. DD used to cry all the way to the pool, during much of her lesson and, again, at the end. She wasn't the only one. She now has 1:1 lessons and loves it.

ToysRLuv · 05/02/2015 23:48

DS (5) is the moaniest, grumpiest, most difficult child I know. I've mostly given up trying things that I know he will hate.

Asleeponasunbeam · 06/02/2015 06:02

1:1? swimming lessons have been brilliant for my DD. More expensive but she looks forward to them, has a lovely teacher who has taken it really slowly and has built her confidence, all the crying and fussing about changing has gone without a busy changing room too.

I've tried to stop worrying about how she appears to other people (very hard to do - I often fail at this). I try not to think 'She looks miserabke , people must think I'm being mean/ she's shy/ I'm making her do it' or whatever.

Playdates with one child at a time, not too frequently, have been helpful. Generally keeping everything low key. I do struggle when there's something I want her to do but she doesn't want to try it - how does she know she doesn't like it (which I'll respect) if she's never tried it? But she has tried a few things and we have something to build on.

Original poster

Mollymoo16 · 06/02/2015 06:59

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the advice, and more than anything just to know we're not alone!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mollymoo16 · 06/02/2015 07:44

Sorry, me again! I do often wish there was a book that told you what you should and shouldn't be doing sometimes as I so often spend my days 'beating myself up' and feeling guilty about EVERYTHING when it comes to my kids. With my son it often feels like he doesn't really enjoy anything, other than having treats and watching his favourite programme or playing a game on the iPad. I'll say 'come on, we're all going for a walk' and ask him if he wants to take his bike and the reply is very negative and he definitely doesn't want to take his bike My husband can't understand this and said he would've been delighted to have an offer like that when he was a kid. It does seem like he's ungrateful an awful lot of the time but I know he's a good kid, caring and kind. I will certainly keep working on it and try, as you said, tondelayoschwarzkopf, to listen to him and be empathetic. If there are any other tips they are greatly appreciated. Thanks again

OP posts:

ToysRLuv · 06/02/2015 10:09

You're not in Scotland, are you?

Original poster

Mollymoo16 · 06/02/2015 10:38

I am... Why?

OP posts:

ToysRLuv · 06/02/2015 10:42

Just thought it would be fantastic to have a playdate ir gi swimming together At least there would be absolutely zero judging..

Original poster

Mollymoo16 · 06/02/2015 10:49

Oh bless you. That would be great

OP posts:

mumofthemonsters808 · 06/02/2015 10:58

He sounds exactly like my son, so I have no advice whatsoever I just keep telling myself he is only young and will grow out of it. My OH also says I muumycoddle him too much, which I'm probably guilty of but I don't know what to do differently. Hang on in there, I live in hope that I will laugh about this in the future.

WipsGlitter · 06/02/2015 11:04

Sometimes I think children now are overwhelmed with choices and chances and stuff. If he's happy playing a game on the ipad then let him be.

My sister once took her kids on a fab day out - boat trip, lunch out, swimming etc. When asked what was the best bit? The ice lollies apparently!

steppeinginto2015 · 06/02/2015 11:19

He is only 5. If you do things where he feels confident he will build confidence. If you do stuff where he has a negative experience, that will destroy confidence.

So, wrt the swimming, some 5 yo love swimming lessons, others don't. How about you take him swimming for fun regularly? Follow his lead, he may be happy to get his face wet when with you, or he may not. If you spend a year playing in the baby pool, and then he learns to love the water and gets going on swimming, then you have succeeded. If he hates the shower - skip it, give him one at home.

Some kids respond to being pushed on, some respond better to you being a solid rock next to/under them, so that they can do it when they are ready.

when it is your eldest, 5 feels quite old, when it is your youngest you realise just how little it is!

Flip