Should I tell my friend to tell her baby off?

[starodyssey2015]

I know this sounds so awful- please let me explain.

Once or more a week I see my friend. I have a one year old and she has a two year old. My friend was in an abusive relationship and although she escaped -for a few months she found it difficult to be a good mum (she will say this herself). She has now set up home somewhere else with her boy. But I have a feeling that she doesn't really like him. I know she loves him. She always complains about how naughty he is. Yet she never takes him outside or on a walk. He's just in her living room with toys and left to his own devices whilst she watches tv or does housework. I know she stops to play sometimes but not much.

But it's had a bad effect. This (just) 2 year old is a nightmare. Every time we see him I regret going. My baby is quiet and passive and plays happily without causing any fuss. But the difference in behaviours has led to my baby being scared of him. When I walk into their house and put him down he cries. The 2 year old jumps on him and pushes him over, takes toys off him, hits him and throws VERY heavy stuff at him (last time was a big hard plastic singing ball that , if it had actually hit him, would have knocked him out). When the 2 year old comes to my house he does the same but also chases my dog around with my son's big toy car and tries to run him over with it. Also throws remotes and books at my cat. I always try give the 2 year old loads of attention and play with him and fuss over him so he doesn't feel left out. I encourage her to come to the park with me and my baby when I'm with her. Once he's had a run around he is much better behaved and seems to have a nap when he wouldn't before. I don't think she can be bothered to take him out though. I play with him all the time, and tell him when he's being a good boy. But when he's naughty I don't want to tell him off because he's not my kid.

When he is naughty my friend tells him off sometimes. But other times she doesn't even look up. It's not like I hate the kid but my baby's safety comes first and I don't think he's safe around this kid. Especially since he's throwing heavy stuff at him and hitting him. PLEASE give me some advice I don't know if I should say something or what to say to her.

Don't go. If you fear for your child's safety then don't put them in that situation.

I wouldn't say anything to her, it's not your place to but when he does it at your house under your charge then you can firmly correct him. When he does it infront of her and he gets ignored then correct him but don't take over. He's only just 2, don't go storming in telling him off.

When you say she 'can't be bothered' to take him out, have you considered that she might be depressed or struggling?
I have 3DC and after my first two could've been judgemental about other people's parenting methods as they were both a dream. Along comes Dc3 and he's totally different.
He plays rough, loves to throw things, has bitten other children etc. my parenting hasn't changed - his personality is completely different and I don't think I would welcome someone telling me how to manage him, no matter how well meaning.

I understand your concern for your baby but I would imagine your friend needs your friendship at the moment.

So I suppose you have two options: don't see her or bear in mind what her DC is like when you do see her. Maybe meet in a soft play centre or something?

I wouldn't try and 'teach' her how to parent him though as she may already be feeling crap about her parenting (you said she admitted she hadn't been a great parent after she left her abusive ex) and this may further damage her confidence.
Or she might be annoyed at you telling her how to manage a toddler when you only have a baby! Plus, he is only 2!

I can tell that you mean well but there are obviously deeper things going on here than just her 'inability to tell her DC off'.

I know I seem so nasty and I'm trying to come across in a way that isn't. I love my friend and would never do anything to upset her or her baby.

I know she's having a hard time at the moment because she's only young (although the same age as me 21) and having gone through all that with her ex and her pregnancy was unplanned. And her baby has only had a year in a stable home.

I wouldn't want to teach her to look after her baby, and I know I'm in more of a stable relationship and home life and in money. And I really want to help her with how she feels but I feel I've matured more quickly and have accepted and LOVE my quiet life with my little family but as hers didn't work out so well I think she doesn't know what to do with herself.

But I think she lives for the days where her baby is away and she can go out and party and go have sex with all these guys whilst texting and seeing her abusive ex. Then there's everything else in between.

When I go over I cook for her and tidy her house and more than once I've bought her shopping and took her baby out for the day. And I know it sounds truly terrible but I think it's time for her to start to stand on her own two feet rather than having help all the time. Every time she is alone she asks me to ditch my baby and boyfriend at home and come see her for a drink and I can't do that all the time so she texts her ex.

Sorry for the rant. Please any advice welcome. I know I sound like a bitch and a bad friend but I think her son is suffering and as a result of that so is mine.

Also, after suffering from depression after my baby was born I know how hard it can be. And I didn't mean to sound so harsh saying 'snap out of it'. But I think she needs help but isn't willing to accept that. I love her dearly and want to help her out. I just don't want to jeopardise my son's safety in the process.

I don't have a problem telling other people's kids off if they are doing something dangerous and their parent isn't paying attention / ignores the behaviour, so maybe you need to do it that way; don't talk to her but speak directly to the child when he's doing something he shouldn't?
I do believe in the village to raise a child theory, so I feel we all have a responsibility to keep all children safe / guided towards better behaviours and so will speak up if I feel it's needed

I agree with Adarajames. I find it almost impossible to respond directly to what a child is doing and talk to them.

You say her child is just 2 - is she able to access the funding to enable her to place him in nursery for a few hours a week? It might be the break she needs and they may be a positive influence on her parenting.

Tbh if it were my friend I'd be levelling with her, tell her that you need to protect your kid & this isn't usual behaviour (sometimes people need to know that) & saying improving this aspect of her life is the one thing she has control over & will help her feel better about things in general.

I meant to say I find impossible not to respond directly to a child!

What Miaow said. I read your OP and thought it reminded me of the behaviour exhibited by lots of 2 year olds - including my own at that age. My DS was a lot different at 2 to how he was as a 1 year old and i'm not sure I'd describe a 2yo as 'naughty' and needs 'telling off'. At that age they have little concept of naughty, only "oooo, if i pull the cat's tail it makes a funny noise which makes me laugh". Of course it's down to parents though to gently "correct" this behaviour through distraction and very brief explanation that chasing an animal makes it scared which isn't nice. I suppose I'm saying that your friend's boy sounds normal to me, but that isn't to say that you shouldn't speak to her about her intervention methods, as i do understand that your primary concern is for your child.