Older brother cannot be left alone with baby sister - advice please

[TheIblisHasspoken1]

I'm trying to get advice for a friend who is struggling with her ds behaviour towards her dd. Ds will be 3 this spring, dd was born slightly prem and so is very small for her age (four/five months). He's genrally a good boy if a bit like the energiser bunny, however he has been violent with the baby, one minute he'll be being affectionate and then he will turn & slap her etc, with no warning as to this change in mood. The other day he grabbed her leg and pulled her before my friend could stop him. My friend is a very caring, reasonable mum who does not loose her temper easily at all(completely the opposite to my parenting style!!) however in this instance she grabbed him back and asked how he would like it, he just laughed and said do it again. She has got to the point where she cannot leave them alone under any circumstances and I thinks it's weighing pretty heavily on her. I'm not sure how she would feel about me asking for advice on a public forum so I have been pretty vague with these details, any advice I could pass on would be appreciated though!

well, first of all, she mustn't leave them alone for a while yet. Don't let him have the chance to be rough with her.

the DS is not even three - still really only a baby himself.

She will have to be very consistent in telling him "no, we have to be gentle with DD" EVERY SINGLE TIME he is rough with her, and NOT make a big deal about it. "goodness, DD doesn't like that" and calmly remove the baby from the situation and not give DS any attention. This is the key - he is wanting his mum's attention and by god, he gets it when he hits his baby sister.
Remember, just a few weeks ago, he had his mum all to himself.

Also, more importantly, praise him when he is gentle with her.

Please tell her not to go down the "How would you like it" route, he is only three, he won't really get it yet.

It will take some time to get the message through.

Tell her too that babies are very tough little things and there is not really much damage a two year old can do.

HTH

one more thing - tell her she needs to make time for him by himself.
Get her Dh to take the baby out for a while, so she and her DS can have some time just for them.
Or take DS out by himself, and leave the baby with Dad for an hour or two.

I agree with previous responses - she just can't leave them alone.

Stairgates, travel cot/playpen, bouncy chair in each room so she can take baby with her and have somewhere to put it down, a sling to keep bang with her ... whatever is necessary.

Also spending time with both of them, helping the older sibling to hold/kiss/stroke the baby sensibly, with lots of praise for being gentle and lots of talk if how the baby loves to be with older sibling and mummy together.

I have just had a baby, and bought my older DC (4 year old twins) books called 'I'm a big sister (brother)' by Joanna someone. They're great - really simple short sentances, with lots of great info like 'he's too little to talk', 'too little to walk', 'too little to eat pizza', 'I like to hold baby - must ask mummy first!' etc. we read them a lot in the early weeks and the phrases really stuck. It helped the older kids understand why mummy has to feed baby all the time, not to stuff pizza into the baby (!), that holding/helping is fun but must ask mummy. Maybe worth a go despite your friends DC being a bit younger?

Thanks very much to your comments so far, sounds like she is doing all the right things, he doesn't go nursery so that's out, husband has a demanding job so is pretty much out of it in the week. TanteRose think your advice on time together with just the two of them is a really good idea. Happyasasandboy I will mention the book as well. I have suggested the stairgate idea too, so will mention this again.

Both spending time alone with him & the book sound like good plan. He doesn't go to nursery and he's not three till May anyway, so that's out, her husband has a demanding job which means he's pretty much out of it in the week. It does sound like she's doing all the right things ( the incident when she pulled him back, was very very unusual for her, end of theather thing pretty much) although I do think a stairgate may help her a lot! He won't stay in his room to sleep either, so she's in that never ending cycle at the moment! Thanks again for the help!

We have a lindam playpen that can also be used as a room divider. I fully intend to deploy it when ds2 arrives in 8 weeks time.

Ds1 was 2.5 when Ds 2 was born. He was exactly the same because he was jealous, he thought I didn't love him as much anymore, because he didn't know his own strength, because he was seeing what reaction he would get from Ds2.
My approach was lots of praise when he was kind, distraction, when feeding Ds 2 I always tried to do something with Ds 1 a story, a chat, watching him play, feeding him a snack too.
I encouraged him to be helpful, asked him to get nappies etc. I didn't force it at all. ds1 also went back to wanting too be a baby, he would ask for a bottle, sit in Ds2 car seat etc. so I called him my baby, lots of attention etc.
I never left them alone, a sling was very helpful for this, also I got a playpen.
It does pass and then are now best of friends.
The early days are really challenging but they go quickly, ds1 quickly realised ds2 was pretty dull really and pretty much ignored him until he started to crawl!