Think DtS2 has pathological demand avoidance - how do I help DtS1 understand this?

[heritagewarrior]

I'm having a hideous weekend. DH is abroad on business and (at present un-diagnosed) 6yo DtS2 has gone back into a phase of poor behaviour in the last week, following a goodish period since before Christmas.

What has distressed me most over the last couple of days is the realisation of quite what an effect these periods of poorer behaviour have on his twin. DtS1 has started to say with more and more frequency that he wishes he didn't have a brother, and this weekend that he hates him. This is from a little boy to whom family means the world.

It sounds melodramatic, but right now I feel like our family is falling apart - any tips from anyone as to how I can make this better?

Probably should also say that they are in the same class at school, and school are being very supportive.

I don't think you can explain to one twin more than the other understands about his own condition. You could perhaps explain that dts2 is having a hard time at the moment. More than that though, it might be time to start creating 'space' for both boys away from each other (both at home and away from it). Do they have their own rooms, separate hobbies? Would you consider putting them in different classes at school next year?

Thanks Barbarian. We try to get them doing separate hobbies from each other (limited success) and DH and I certainly take them out separately to give them time apart. They have their own bedrooms. The classes thing is more difficult - school has suggested it but they want to move DtS1, who we know would feel like he is being punished for something his brother did. I think school want to do it like that because of the respective members of staff who'll take the two classes on next year.....

Could you ask dt1 whether he would like to change class? Say that the teachers have offered that to him if he would like to. Make it sound like they think he's special enough to be allowed to do it iyswim.
Along the lines of school not really allowing people to do changing classes, but they think he's so sensible that they're prepared to make a special case for him, if he would like to.

That way he can feel that it is a treat, not a punishment, and he is also in control. And don't expect a snap decision, maybe give him a week to think about it.