Help! I feel guilty! Am I handling this OK??

[overthehill]

My 7-year-old ds is constantly pushing the boundaries and seems to have all the power, and I've decided that I have to be tougher with him. Today he was meant to be going to play with the one boy who ever asks him back to his house, but he was kept in after school for being noisy and so my instant reaction was to say he couldn't go to his friend's house. It turned out that he had actually been working very well, for which he'd received a Good Work certificate, & had only started being disruptive in the last 15 minutes or so. His reaction to my decision was to tear up the certificate, burst into tears and run away, and he refused to come home for more than an hour, only being persuaded to do so when dh returned from work & drove past him in the street. (I had gone after him initially but gave up when he kept running away as I was confident that he wouldn't go too far). He was charming once he had calmed down (as he often is after these outbursts) & appeared to have accepted my decision, but I felt really guilty - and still do, seven hours later! Sorry this is so long - and probably most sensible people will have gone to bed by now anyway - but any thoughts/advice would be gratefully received.

Well, yes, I do tend to think that for one-offs school punishments are enough and you don't need to impose another one, so you did overreact a bit. But you can always say so to him tomorrow - ie 'Yesterday when I told you you couldn't see X, I think I was wrong to say that and I'm sorry. Let's call up his mum and arrange to see him this week/next week'. It's not the crime of the century though and we all do things with our children that we regret. However, he does seem very emotional and impulsive and I'd be really, really worried by a seven year old who ran away and I'm a bit surprised you didn't go after him. Does he often behave like this? Any idea why?

It sounds like he's tired, my dd also 7 is shattered and like this bring on half term.

Thanks for your thoughts, Sorrel. The reasoning in my mind at the time for saying he couldn't go & play was that it seemed to be giving the message that it didn't matter that he'd been naughty as he could still go and have fun. What I'm trying to tackle is his apparent lack of respect for adult authority and to reinforce a sense of responsibility for his actions. He is impulsive and does tend to react by wanting to run off rather than face the consequences of his actions. As I say, I did go after him at first, but he kept running off, and I decided that he would come in sooner or later, sending dd (aged 10) to try & persuade him to come back at a couple of times. (We live in a fairly traffic-free area & I knew he was only lurking round the corner). This may all sound very callous, but he's also very good at achieving his aim of gaining attention by bad behaviour (which I'm sure is partly because he doesn't get enough praise when he does behave well), and I thought the less fuss I made (eg by not keeping running after him, but being aware of roughly where he was), the better. Re playing with his friend: I had thought I might see if he's free sometime next week during half term, but I don't really want ds to feel that I'm completely regretting what I did because I think that may give the power back to him again. Hope that makes sense. And yes, GOS (like the name!), it may be partly something as simple as that, & I know I'm certainly worn out myself, which doesn't help.

I don't think you are callous at all. Honestly. But I do think one punishment is enough per 'crime' and a brief word to say, you know what he'd done and you hope he won't do it again would be sufficient. Esp as you imply he doesn't have many friends. What do the school say about his behaviour and impulsiveness? Does he have difficulty making friends at school? I would try to avoid thinking in terms of who has 'power' tbh.

Well given that what you did today happened there really is nothing to be gained from going over it again

Dealing with the longer term though - what impression do you give him of authority? Do you talk about rules as a family - set rules and follow them. Can you point out to him things that you do as an adult that follows the rules set by society?

He needs to understand the contect I think, that rules are set in, and the best guide to this is you

Sorrell, we had a terrible 'do' last week when we were asked to stay behind & see his teacher (dh was at home that day) as he wanted to discuss an incident with us for which he'd already been sent to the head (deliberately bolting a door so some classes couldn't get out when they had a fire practice later that pm). He went absolutely AWOL and refused to stay in the room, resulting in dh and his (male) teacher both trying unsuccessfully to restrain him, and in the end the teacher just had to let him run off & sent dh after him. Dh was close to tears, the teacher was visibly shaken & apologised profusely to me for mishandling the situation. He doesn't know ds very well as he's only had him since September, but I think he began to realise what a complex character he is. And he does struggle with friendships, partly because he's a bit 'different' - no interest in Star Wars/Bionicles etc, not sporty, a lot more articulate than most 7-year-old boys, likes cooking, gardening etc - but he tries to be noticed by being class clown & getting up to pranks...I'm painting an awful picture...but he can be so loving, sensible and responsible, is wonderful on a one-to-one basis with grown-ups and often acts in a way far beyond his years...

Soapbox, we do talk about rules eg when he asks why he has to go to school we point out that we also have to go to work etc, and I do like to think that we model rule-keeping. Our dd is the complete opposite in lots of ways in that she goes out of her way to make sure she doesn't break the rules. TBH, I think I'm a lot to blame as I was very naughty at school (& at home) when I was young , and my parents were forever going in to see the teachers. What worries and upsets me is the amount of anger and distress he can display as I don't want him to suffer in the way that he obviously is at times.

My own feeling is that he should have been able to go to the boy's house. He had already been punished for his 15mins of acting up. I can also see why he got so distressed. He hadn't received any recognition from you of behaving well all day (apart from the 15mins) so I think if it had been me I would have thrown away the certificate as a waste of time and think that perhaps you only saw the worst in me. So what's the point. I don't mean to be critical of how you dealt with the situation. I'm just putting how it looks to me from what you said. I may be completely wrong. I also don't believe that if with hindsight or more info we decide our decision was the wrong one that it is a bad thing to let the child know we think we were wrong. It isn't a question of who has the "power". It's more about working together. Maybe at the moment he feels like he can't do anything right. This is just my viewpoint given what you have posted. If I'm way off, please ignore.

Juule, just replying to you after being out all day - the difficulty was that his getting into trouble is becoming the norm, and it seems to have become a regular feature of Wednesdays (3 this term so far). Because I was fed up with this I decided to call off the play date, but probably too hastily, i.e. before I knew how well he'd behaved the rest of the day. I was also conscious that his friend's mum was having to hang around for ages with her 3 children and I felt bad about that. I know you're not the only person who has objected to the use of the word power, but he does have a way of controlling situations, both at home and in school, and I think it's important for him to know where the boundaries are and that the grown up is in charge. The curious thing about it all is that last night & today he's been extra-loving, & I can't work out why!

Is it possible that the reason he's been extra-loving could be because in his heart of hearts he really does want to please you and everybody be happy. Maybe that's why he totally over-reacts when he does something that's disapproved of. You've already said he can be loving, sensible and responsible so maybe there is something about group situations that he finds overwhelming and can't cope with. For myself I would be looking to support him in the situations that he can't cope with. And I'd be looking to see whether his behaviour is worse in those particular situations. Is there a pattern? Also is there something that he finds particularly difficult about Wednesdays. It's possible he might be struggling with something and doesn't know how to explain and so it's coming out in an irrational way. Try to find the good he's done first before addressing the things that you don't like. I know how difficult it can be sometimes. They've done something again and your heart sinks and your first thought is 'what on earth can I do to stop this happening'. Would it have been possible to ask the mum if she was okay waiting? It was only 15mins. Or if she preferred to go straightaway could you have dropped your ds off on the way home. It does sound as though your ds is basically a lovely chap and wants to be in your good books. Talk to him in his calmer moments and find out what he really thinks. Just my thoughts

Thanks for your support, Juule. I think there's a lot of truth in what you say: he's usually fantastic in a one-to-one situation with adults - very mature and responsive - but he seems to find it much harder to 'be himself' with his peers and so tries to be accepted/noticed by doing daft things. Because he's so mature and good at thinking through practical problems - eg he often comes up with a solution to a problem that's baffling both me & dh - I think I sometimes forget how emotionally immature he is & probably have too high expectations of him in that area. And they do seem to be having a lot of supply teachers on Wednesdays, but he said he liked the teacher they had this week. I did speak to his friend's mum (who was still around) after I'd found out the full story in the hope that we might be able to salvage the situation, but by then ds had run away and hidden so it was a bit pointless really. The fact that I'm having a really stressful time at work (I work 2 long days & 2 short days) doesn't help either, & I'm always rushing in at the last minute to pick them up.

Today's my day off and I've just come back from Good Work Assembly, where he & one of the naughtiest boys got singled out for working really well together in class, & it made me feel at the same time proud of him and ashamed of myself. His friend's mum was there too & I asked if they were around at half term, but unfortunately not . I think I might suggest to her at pick-up time that his friend could come to us the following week. Hey ho - well, I'm signing off now as I need to go into work & do a bit of catching up.

Message withdrawn

Overthehill - I don't think you've anything to be ashamed of. We all do it at times. Especially if you've got other things going on aswell and things get in a bit of a rush. We don't always think things through but it's not the end of the world. Hey, we're only human, as they say. If you are honest with your son, then things can be resolved most times and no harm done. Just maybe cut him a bit of slack for a while on a few things and talk with him about how he feels things are. Get his view of it all. You are really interested in your son and that can only be good. And there are other nights to go round to his friends. I found having children to be a huge learning experience. Hope you have a good half-term

Pitchounette, it's funny you mention martial arts as he had expressed an interest before & they've just started a class at a nearby secondary school. He went there for the first time on Monday & wants to go back. I'm hoping he'll keep enjoying as it's a way of learning to control his aggression, as you say, & he's not into team sports like football.

See if you can get the school to give him a certificate to replace the one he tore up and give him a lot of cuddles, if he lets you!
Is he bored at school?
Does he have a behavioural problem like ADD?
Does he get to spend much time alone with a parent?

Xenia, he only tore the certificate in two, so we have stuck it together with sellotape. And he does let me give him cuddles, in fact it took me ages to extricate myself from his bedroom tonight as he wanted me to go to sleep with him, something he's been asking quite a bit lately. I think he is bored at school quite a bit: although he's bright he's not very confident in his abilities so will give up easily if he thinks he can't do something, but he also hates doing repetitive, humdrum work, so the teacher last year said she couldn't therefore move him on to a higher level (which he might find less boring) - so something of a vicious circle. He has a very good attention span so I don't think he's got ADHD - but then as I said on an earlier post, I was naughty at school so maybe it's just the inherited rebellious streak!