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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Please offer support i am desperate

16 replies

angelinaj · 18/10/2006 19:36

I have a 2 yr old and she is driving me to dispair. I have got to the point where as i am not sure i can prevent myself from giving her a hiding. It's the point blank refusal to do as she is told and the blatant no! i constantly get and the persisitant tantrums.

I feel i am my wits end have started to shake her and scream and shout and then feel terrible after, today has really thrown me out and i am shaking with nerves due to the upset she has caused me

I am a working mum and have to run to a tight schedule in the mornings, and i am meeting resistance all the time. I do not parent naturally as some of you might find this easy, i do not.

I love my daughter and she is my life, the health visitor is no help and i feel like a bad parent in her presence and so unable to go to her.

Please tell me i am not a bad parent and i am not the only one to go through this.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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albatros · 18/10/2006 19:41

You are not a bad mother your daughter is just testing the limits, if your HV is no help speak to your health center and ask to see a nursery nurse they should be able to help you with behavioural issues. Someone on her will give you much better advice than I can but it sounds to me as if she has found a very good way of getting attention from you have you tried / can you ignore her outbursts?

BudaBeast · 18/10/2006 19:43

You are NOT a bad parent. It's not called "the terrible twos' for nothing!

I have a 5yr old DS and at times he has driven me to distraction and although I am not proud of it, I have slapped him. Purely out of temper on my part. Didn't help at all except that I hated myself.

Somone on here recommended a book called 123 Magic - Effectie Discipline for Kids and I really found it helped.

The basic method is that then the child does/says something he shouldn't, you remain calm, do not enter into any discussion and say "That's a 1". If the behavious is repeated "that's a 2". If repeated "that's a three" and you take the child to the "naughty step" or whatever for 1 minute for every year of their age.

Obviously the child does not miraculously co-operate but I found that just knowing I had this "plan' made me calmer in how I dealt with DS. In learned to understand that I meant it and it really helped.

hope this helps.

I know lots of people will be along with other advice so you will know you are not alone. Hopefully you will find somethign that works for you.

belgo · 18/10/2006 19:44

I have a two year old and it's a nightmare trying to get her ready and out of the house every morning. She makes me so mad sometimes, I can understand how you feel. If you feel you are losing control and might do something you might regret, then pick her up and put her in another room and give both of you a chance to calm down. I know what the terrible twos are like! I try and keep mornings as simple as possible - for example - if she won't put her coat on, then I take it with me and at some point in the journey when she feels cold she puts it on, therefore preventing one tantrum.

snowleopard · 18/10/2006 19:45

Please don't shake her - you could really harm her and I know you don't want to do that.

A lot of us on here know how you feel - it can be sooo infuriatiung and draining and you are definitely not the only one!

Take a step back and think what is upsetting you so much. It could really help to take a different view - is it so terrible if she says no all the time? Can you try some tricks such as giving her a choice between two things, making a joke out of things - for example if she won't walk somewhere, say "OK let's fly" and make her laugh. Or if she won't get dressed, say "OK you're going to nursery in your jimjams" - and do it. Or pick up her favourite teddy and say "Oh well then just me and teddy will have to get dressed/eat our breakfast" etc. to make her feel left out. Or make a rule like "no shoes today - they're not allowed" and she'll want them.

These are tips I've picked up on MN and elsewhere - you can learn things like this, it's definitely not about it coming naturally, I think dealing with difficult toddlers comes naturally to very few of us!

Having a good old moan on MN will also help.

amynnixmum · 18/10/2006 19:46

You are definately not the only one to go through this. I was and am a SAHM and it was still hard. I hate it when all you seem to do is tell them off all day and then when they are finally asleep you just sit there and feel bad My 2 are older now and can still drive me to distraction. My mum got me Dr Green's Toddler Taming when dd was a toddler. I laughed out loud when i read it- I swear the man had been spying on me and dd and was writing about us The first time dd threw herself down on the floor in a tantrum was at 10 months - 2 days after she had learned to stand LOL. Toddler taming made me laugh and gave me some good ideas too.

macb1702 · 18/10/2006 19:47

I do feel for you, I am going through a similar phase with my 2.11 DD. She will look at me and laugh in my face when I try to tell her off, the tantrums are getting close to the vomiting stage..... need I continue. I have no amazing answers, other than I decided not to hit early on due to my temper, so I will just go and stand outside or go upstairs and take a few mins out. I also show her that her behaviour will result in her losing something, whether its the top she wants to wear ,to pudding, anything she is showing an interest in at the time I use. As I say I have no great answers, but you are definitely not alone with this. Talk to other people and find out their experiences and have a laugh about them, that has worked for me.

Keep going, otherwise you'll never get to the next 'charming' phase!!!!

belgo · 18/10/2006 19:47

I also try and switch off when she's having a tantrum - literally not hearing it, totally ignoring her and letting her scream it out on the floor. I do understand that some of these approaches may make you late for work!

soph28 · 18/10/2006 19:49

another good book is from the 'Men are from Mars...' range by John Gray called 'Children are from Heaven', just try to ignore the cheesyness!!

You are not a bad mother- just remember that you will be a much more effective parent if you try to stay calm and don't let her see that she's winding you up (easier said than done, I know!!)

lulumama · 18/10/2006 19:50

she is 2,..it;s her job to push you to your absolute limits!

i ignored tantrums....

if i wanted DS to do something ..would give a warning
eg. 5 minutes more play then out of the bath

if i wanted him to put shoes on, would give him shoes or trainers to choose from, i didn;t mind which but let him make the choice..

ignore the bad as much as i could , not to say i didn't shout and lose my temper..and really praise the good with star charts etc...

if you feel you are in serious danger of hurting her,,,,put her in a safe place and close the door..take a moment to regain control..

we've all been there...

vitomum · 18/10/2006 19:51

my ds is also 2 and often just tries to do the opposite of what i ask - that is entirely appropriate for that age as it is all about testing boundaries. I also have to get out in the mornings and make sure that ds has as littel as possible to do. All he really has to do is eat breakfast and let me dress him. I also try and get up earlier than him so i can be dressed and oragnised etc before him cos i can;t exepct him to hurry up just becuase i am on a schedule. What is it that your dd won't do in the mornings and you are having particular problems with?

belgo · 18/10/2006 19:52

It's also worth remembering that no tactic works every single time, and that it's trial and error finding what's best for both of you.

MummyAlly · 18/10/2006 19:52

I have no great words of wisdom, I just wanted to say that you are not alone. Even the most natural of parents comes up against this kind of behaviour and struggles to handle it. That's the point, your children are trying to gain the power.
My boy is 3 and is starting to come out of this kind of behaviour now (I hope!). I seem to spend the whole morning saying,"Are you staying here? I 'll just put the others in the car then." Which always makes him put on his shoes or whatever. The idea of being left out.
Hang in there, and don't think you're a bad mother. You're a normal mother.

Original poster

angelinaj · 18/10/2006 19:56

I know that shaking her is not right. I very rarely lose it with her to get in that bad a state. I am worried that in the long term she will be affected by all this and grow up hating me.

I don't get on with my mother due to things she has done in the past and still continues to do. I am worried my daughter will grow up and hate me for not being a typical mother. I show her lots of affection but find it hard to be silly and do child like things.

I think this has something to do with it, i don't find it easy to interact with her very well. She has the best i can phyically give her and has constant time and attention and fun at nursery. I hope this should make up for the lack of typical mumsy behaviour at home. Mayby not!

I really do try, i feel awful and really depressed by all this.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 18/10/2006 20:01

Angelina I am so sorry things have got so rotten for you and your dd. It is brave of you to admit you are not coping. Could you ring Parentline do you think? They offer support to any parent who is experiencing problems and won't judge you:

free call: 0808 800 2222

FWIW before I had my ds I was a very experienced childcare professional and I found having a 2 year old completely demoralising, exhausting, maddening and impossible at times. I have always thought that childcare, and therefore parenting, did "come easy" to me - however I found trying to be a patient and reasonable parent to my own son age 2, about the most challenging thing I have ever done.

A book I have found very useful was 'The Social Toddler'. I found it really helped me to understand things from my child's viewpoint and suggested easy techniques which improved the situation very very quickly.

I hope you get the support you need, soon.

LIZS · 18/10/2006 20:08

I think you need to pick one of two things to focus on at a time. It is so easy to become generally so wound up by things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things and end up in a downward spiral of stress, frustration and misery. Do make the behaviour you want very clear to her. If you can, ignore the general whinging and defiance but if she makes an effort with the things you decide are important use a reward chart (favourite character stickers perhaps) and go really over the top with praise. If she blatantly won't then you can put her somewhere and time her out, but she may be a little young yet to get it. If she really winds you up or throws a tantrum take time out yourself, put her somewhere safe but uninteresting while you take a breather and calm down. Don't offer eye contact or attention for bad behaviour - she may even misread you yelling at her as reinforcement.

hth

snowleopard · 18/10/2006 20:12

Anjelina I so know where you're coming from on the mother thing. When you've had a difficult relationship with your own mother it casts a shadow over your feelings about whether you can be a good mother yourself. But you sound very caring - and you have come here to ask for help and support so that you can try to avoid taking your frustration out on DD. She will not grow up hating you - this is a battle that pretty much all toddlers go through and what they should learn from it is that you are there for them and still love them however difficult they are - and you obviously do love her!

Also of course when you are ground down day after day it's very hard to just switch to being lighthearted. I wonder if you could be actually a bit depressed and it might help to see a GP and maybe get some treatment? It might really help. Find a GP who is sympathetic - ask to change if yours isn't - and could you also switch HVs?

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