At wits end with ds2 4.5 yrs

[honeybuffe]

I'm looking for some ways to help me manage my 4.5 yr old ds2. His behaviour at the moment has really pushed me to the end of my patience. I'm sure alot of what he is doing is normal behaviour for his age but he just seems far harder to handle than ds1 at this age, in which ds1 was also pushing boundaries/limits.
Ds2 is smart and funny. V smart in fact, which is probably only adding to my frustration of his wilfully ignoring me, deliberately doing what he has been asked not to, constant demands, and often v rude behaviour.
I have considered boredom, he goes to montiessori 5 morns a week (preschool free year in Ireland), and is apparently brilliant there. As soon as he gets home, the attitude starts. I have tried suggesting and doing colouring, lego etc but he isn't always interested or bothered and would rather do something he's not supposed to!

I think it's the rude and at times obnoxious behaviour, running off after being calmly explained and warned not to, blatantly doing the opposite of what is asked, the constant "no", that is so trying. I have tried punishing him by taking a way a treat, a toy, sitting outside of room, ignoring, speaking to teacher who had a word about listening at home etc but none are really working with him.

I could probably write an essay about all the terrible behaviour over the last few weeks but I love him and actually feel bad giving out about him (other than to my mother!) since he is in so many ways a really great kid. My concern is his bad behaviour, and it is grim at the moment is getting worse and is impacting on us all, and I'm worried about never getting a handle on it. Any suggestions welcome.

All sounding very, very familiar!

Have you tried focusing more on giving him positive attention when he's really good? I'm often at the point of losing my marbles with DS (aged 4) and then it dawns on me that all I've done is quibble with him over every single spilt drink/cross word/failure to turn off Octonauts and come for tea. I've got some really sparkly stickers, and when he does something kind or helpful we all make a big fuss of him and tell him exactly what he's done that we're proud of, and then he choses a sticker and I put it on his jumper for him. I wouldn't say it's changed the world, but it definitely helps. You can use it ahead of time, too, like 'I think if you come straight upstairs and put your pyjamas on you get a really big sticker - which one are you going to choose?'

But yeah, basically it's bloody hard work. I feel your pain.

Thanks, I'll definitely give it a go. To be honest I'd try anything!!