10 year old suffering anxiety at school with making friends

[MichelleDJ]

It is hard to summarise all my thoughts about this but I will give it a go. My 10 year old daughter (year 5) doesn't like school as she says she has no friends. She is very slow getting ready in the mornings because she doesn't want to go and small issues often have her in tears (for example having to ask to retrieve her bag as she left it behind). I know she does have friends and isn't shy but I have observed that she doesn't seem to know what to talk to other children about and won't play if they don't follow her rules.
I have talked to the GP, school nurse, teachers and health visitor for help but nothing has really come out of it. I am waiting for the school nurse to phone me again about it but we have already tried the book she suggested.
I am considering home schooling in the hope that it will build her confidence but at the start of year 4 she changed schools and she still doesn't feel settled. This change caused her to cry every day and she was heaving on the way to school because she was so nervous. Things have improved and I don't want to undo that positive change by removing her from school and then her having to reintergrate at a later stage. However she isn't happy and I hate seeing her like it and am worried how she will react to starting secondary school.
Any helpful advice would be appreciated.

How worrying for you to watch your daughter go through this. She may just be a sensitive, nervous person. I too used to heave on way to school as I was so nervous. It is a horrible feeling but it's just the way I am and I am nervous in many aspects of my life. The problem with home schooling her is that she will have to settle into school again when she starts secondary school in year 7. I would try and stick with school and see if it improves? Also see what the teachers and school nurse say? Does she go to any other clubs which may help to build her confidence? Like dancing or brownies? Hope your daughter finds happiness soon. X

Thanks for your reply. I have spoken to school, her teacher says she seems happy and confident in class but in a class of 33 kids I wonder how much time her teacher actually spends with her. Academically she is just above average so probably sits under the radar most of the time. I have had some advice from the school nurse and am waiting for her to call me back to see if there is anything else they can do. She does drama outside of school but her sister is in the same group so it isn't as good for her confidence as it could be. She does do a few things after school - netball and cookery which she enjoys.
She never had friends at nursery or early in reception but didn't mind. The problem has come since she felt she should have friends because everyone else has, and didn't seem to have the skills to be able to make friends. It isn't something that I find easy to help with as I was a very shy child with few friends and her dad was the same.

We have similar issues... Here is what we do:
Our school has a "friendship bus stop" in the playground. You go there when you have nobody to play with, and somebody should come up to play with you. Seems to work better for the younger years, though.
Read the book "What to do when you worry too much", plus relaxation CDs.
Found somebody ds wants to be friends with (and who seems compatible), invited that child over for play dates. They are now friends in school as well.
Asked teacher to change tables / sit with different people.
Asked teacher to talk about including people in games and how all children in the class should be friends.
Started Scouts, which was a real confidence booster.

Good luck, it is so hard to see your child suffering.

wow I have the same issues but my daughter is only 8, she wasnt happy at her last school and they were not at all helpful, I decided to change schools, and she has been there since jan, the support they have for her is amazing, they have a counsellor they employ full time and she is so good with her, she is non stop anxious she gets tummy pain feel sick and scared of being sick and always seeks reasurrance from me, this has caused me and my family great distress, i had a break down beginning of december because of it, but i am getting better with counselling and meds, I totally feel your pain, she has worked with tahms but so far they have been useless, her anxiety is thru the roof, she gets so angry with telling me she hates me and doesnt love me as well as hitting me and throwing things around, I went back to GP hoping she can been seem again quicker as this has gone on too long its breaking my heart and my family, I feel sorry for my 15 son who is seeing this, Have you tried CAHMS i think they work with older children, I am glad i am not alone and this does happen but hate being judged by people thinking she wants her way all the time