What does "ignore bad, praise good" mean?

[franch]

Sounds like a stupid question I know but while I do a hell of a lot of the praising good with the DDs (2y 9m and 13m), I can't really imagine how the 'ignoring bad' that people mention here so often really works. I do like the idea of it in principle though and hate the naughty step so please elaborate. Am I really supposed to ignore violence, for example?

hi Franch

I think, and this is only my opinion, that violence would be one of the exceptions to the rule. But you would ignore for example your child throwing a toy across the room that you'd actually asked to be picked up. I think the idea is you would then ask/tell the child again until it is actually put away and then pile on the praise.
I was given a book years ago that suggested a similar 'rule' which was to pay attention to the 20% that matters and ignore the 80% that didn't.
I took that to mean that the fact that my DS ate most of his food with his fingers was part of the 80% (ie, dont worry about it) but him not washing his hands after using the toilet was part of the 20% and so we worked hard with him to rectify it.

Sorry, I digress. Going back to your original question though, i do find praising the good and ignoring the bad works well for my DS (age 5) but i have probably set my own guidelines as to what can be safely 'ignored'.

OK, thanks mckenzie, that's encouraging, sounds pretty much like what we're doing already most of the time, altho I have been driven to sending DD1 to the stairs when I'm pushed to the limit, and it's something I'd like to get away from.

Anyone got any good ideas for what to do when the behaviour truly is unacceptable and something has to be said &/or done??

rather than saying "no" use a more positive words like " can we put the toys into the box please" or "play nicely" rather than "dont smack"

i know it all sounds a bit hippie but it does improve the atmosphere at home. you dont shout so much and things are a lot calmer once you have the hang of it

I think ignore things you don't want him to carry on doing but aren't totally unacceptable behaviour e.g. throwing food on the floor is not worth rising to but running out into the road is dangerous therefore you have to do something. There is a load of stuff on this theory on Dr Sears. Am trying to find it for you...

ok thanks drusilla & batty - I've been working on this a bit today and yes everything's noticeably calmer all round. Still not clear about what to do when she oversteps more significant boundaries tho so would appreciate more thoughts / links - thanks again

What sort of thing do you mean?

I struggle with this one too. Is jumping into our bed soaking wet from the bath and refusing to be dried really naughty or to be ignored? Do we dry her and dress her for bed kicking and screaming so she's warm and dry or ignore until she does as she's told? Don't think its really naughty but also not very acceptable. I don't ignore violence although I do leave dd's to their own devices over small pushes and swipes sometimes so they learn to sort things out between themselves and assert their own feelings (dd1 always feels bad after she's done it anyway and 90% of it is to wind us up as she loves her baby sister, so i find ignoring does cut it down). Also how easy to people honestly find it to ignore 'refusing' kind of behaviour (not getting dressed etc) when they are running late for work for the nth time that week? Be interested in what other people do or think is realistic.

Exactly, Jiminy.

sorrell - Jiminy's said it really, but violence is the best example - I don't feel the DDs are old enough to be left to their own devices yet (much as I would like to!), and there are certain things I feel haven't sunk in properly with DD1 yet regarding other people's feelings etc - how am I to react when she grins and says "I pushed her over"?

I find the problem with ignoring is keeping a straight face. Quite often it's something small, eg DD keeps opening her mouth when it's full to show us what's in there. I find that if I can just keep a blank face, break eye contact and ignore her doing it, she stops quite soon. As I said, though, I sometimes let a snigger out and then there's no stopping her. (got to work on my self-control, I think)

Meant to add this last night but got waylaid. A lot of it is nauseatingly american but does make sense.

I think it takes a while to get into, but once you're in that framework it becomes quite easy. I had to do it when I moved to my last school, and so now it seems like second nature to me but I know my hubby really struggles with it.

A lot of it is based around telling them the behaviour you do want, rather than punishing for the behaviour you don't. For example, if I see my DD go a bit rough with a cat, I would show her how to stroke the cat nicely (and then praise her for doing that) rather than just telling her off for hitting it!

However, there are certain absolutes that I would punish for, and I do use the naughty step. Hitting would be one example, but I find with DD that she is so unused to punishment that I rarely need to use it (the threat is usually enough) - certainly no more than once in the last fortnight!

HTH

Yes, I find it really hard not to laugh sometimes when trying to ignore him! A hint of a smirk on my face and the little bugger is cackling away to himself...

Drusilla, that's a great link - just what I was looking for. Thanks