My dh controls my relationship with my ds

[PokemonStorey]

Hi - New member here
I realise I'm probably covering a topic which has been covered plenty of time, however I need some fresh feedback from some experienced mums out there. My ds is my first child and since he was born my dh has taken control of all of his needs (except breastfeeding). I questioned dh on this when ds was about 3 weeks old and dh said he was only trying to help. However it has got to the point where ds turns to dh for everything when I'm right there in front of him - especially affection which really, really hurts me. My dh contradicts my instincts and disagrees with me in front of ds. Also when I say ds needs ABC, dh would say "No" he needs XYZ, and then soon after dh will go and do ABC with all these excuses and reasons as to why he changed his mind irrespective of what I said in the first place. It has got to the stage where I'm apprehensive to trust my instinct with my ds and in fact I feel more like a teenage babysitter than ds's mother. I question myself on decisions I make, dh and I are always trying to gain ds's attention at the same time - it's totally overdone. I want to just give up as it's too hard to compete with dh. I just hope I have a better chance with the next ds or dd I have. Please help me out there - I have become swallowed up by all of this as everyday I feel more and more lonely, but most of all I feel like a fraud being called a Mum.

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your not a fruad being called mum you are his mum and always will be i think your dh aint doing it to be cruel i think he is just trying to help and trying to be a good dad which in one sense a good thing when you ds goes to bed sit your dh down and talk to him explain that you dont like disageeing infront of the baby and you also dont like trying to compeat for ds's affection
also sugest that you all do things together like play games and stuff also take it in turns to put him to bed or read him a story ar even just giving a cuddle
hth and things start to improve

That sounds really tough. How is your relationship with your DH besides this issue? Do you have more influence over other areas of your life? Does your DH work? (My DH is hardly ever here, I guess that's what makes me the expert on my DS).

Besides trusting my instincts, my DH knows that I read heaps of books on parenting/kids and that I hang out with other mums to find out what they do, and I am the one that takes him to the doctor, and I am the one on MN asking for advice and stuff - so he knows that besides my instinct that I am better informed than him. What happens when you try to defend your opinion of what your DS needs?

Sorry for so many questions. I just want to get a better picture of what is going on before I jump in with advice.

You're not a fraud. Really you aren't. I am so sorry this is happening. I too have some questions...is DH competitive with you in other areas? Is it very important to him to think of himself as a nice, caring, person?

What would happen if you just took charge on one small, manageable thing?

Hugs
xxxx

You must not let this grind you down. Please say more. How old is your son, for instance? is he old enough to tell you both what he wants? who looks after him mostly during the day? do you get to spend time alone with your son?

My dh took charge of my oldest son during the day while I worked long hours between the ages of 2 and 5. I can relate to some of what you are saying. I was around much more with my second son and family dynmamics were very different.

PokemonStorey, I just wanted to say that I think you are wholly justified in feeling sensitive to this situation, and CERTAINLY not a fraud as a Mum. But I think the q's others have asked below are pertinent, and might help other wise MN-ers give you a perspective.

Wow - I'm overwhelmed by your caring support. Of course I'll answer all of the questions...I'd be delighted. Firstly, my ds is 18 months and can't tell us what he thinks, I work 3 days a week and the rest I'm home. During those days I try hard to interact with my ds. My dh works 5 days/wk. Dh is not competitive so much as he wants to have the final say on how everything is to be done. eg. he will tell me not to get ds out of bed and to let him lie in on the weekend, and then 5 mins later dh is getting ds up and says to me "I could hear he was awake", then I want to pick ds up, yet dh will tell me it would be better for ds to walk, and then 5 mins later dh will pick up ds...and on and on - the rules change all the time. dh likes to be regarded as the 'nice,caring, considerate,thoughtful guy'. There is an 11 year age gap between us. dh says that when he sees a chance where something can be improved he feels its his duty to point this out to me and so his 'controlling' temperament covers many aspects of our life. 80% of the time he is a wonderful person - its just that he judges me a lot on what I do and always takes the opposite side of an opinion I may have. I have spoken to dh a great deal about my need to feel like the primary carer, and he agrees with me. However it doesn't take long before he creeps back into his old habits of doing all of the intimate things with ds whilst I end up doing all of the housework duties. Essentially dh just 'takes over'. I feel as though we are both competing for ds's attention. It can't be healthy for a little boy to have his parents pawing all over him. In fact while I'm around ds when dh is present I feel anxious and unsure of myself, whereas dh carries on confidently and so sure of what he is doing - which is one thing I feel ds 'picks up on' in me and dh. Sometimes small things just seem so overwhelming to me (as I have lost so much confidence) that I feel releived when dh take ds away. Yes, he does like to remind me he is some kind of 'superdad' and how lucky I am to have him but when I point out it the 21st century and dads do more with their children now - he still tells me that I never show him any appreciation, and just treat him as if he's a villan. I make and extra special attempt to make my husband feel special, through emails, gifts, (and point it out that I can prove it) whereas the tables are turned as I never get any feelings of love or appreciation from him. We went for counselling last year but he felt that it focussed on me whereas dh did most of the talking. I'm at my wits end and feel as though I should just give up and hope it works out better for next time. I love you all for your listening and caring. Many Thanks Suzanne
PS: does anyone know of any good books I could read on this issue - particularly as kids grow up so quickly and I'm feeling more and more every day that I'm losing my little ds as he's growing up so fast. I guess I'm just finding it hard to let ds go in order to grow.

it might sound stupid but what kind of relationship did you dh have with his farther is there a chance that hes trying to prove something to himself because it might have been his father never did much of the day to day careing of him and he's feeling that he dont want that

hth

PS, this is just my opinion, but he does sound a very controlling sort of a bloke to me.

Can I ask again, would it be possible just to ignore him? If you think DS wants to get up, to go and get him up? And/or to ask DH to do, say, the hoovering or get the lunch while you take DS to the park? Or is this, within the current dynamics of your relationship, just not workable?

I hate to think of your confidence being so undermined. It does sound, to me - and bear in mind I only know this, tiny part of your story - that there is more going on than just DS. But if your relationship with DS, and with your own self-image, is being undermined that is, I think, very sad.

PS I can feel like a total fraud too with my little daughters, and they adore their daddy, who does masses with them - but he does, always, say that I'm their mum and we do usually resolve our frequent disagreements about telly/teeth/etc!

I felt really sad when I read your story. Please don't give up on your relationship with ds. Your dh sounds a little bit bullying to me, I don't want to be nasty about him, as I know everyone behaves for reasons, but he is undermining you at every turn at that is not really good partnership. You mentioned the 11 year age gap - I presume he is older? Do you think he sees himself in a fatherly role to you in the sense of knowing more than you?

I can identify with keeping a mental note of all the things you do (notes and gifts etc) to show how much you care for your dh - I did that too so that I could use it to justify my argument that I cared for dp more than he cared for me. At the end of the day people care for eachother in different ways, and not everyone shows it the same, but we all want to feel respected in a relationship, and it is actions that show it. Your dh's actions seem to show a lack of respect for you - what is crucial is that you don't lose respect for your your own abilities as a mother.

Someone said earlier that parenting is not a race - that is SO right. You BOTH have things to offer as your own individual selves.

Whatever happens, I think you need to believe in yourself. Maybe a book on self esteem (essential with or without children) would help. While I agree that you and dp need to talk I think you also need to prepare to be more assertive, as I have a feeling that your dh must get something psychologically important to him out of being the one in charge - too important for him to drop it willingly. In other words, if he wont give it up then you will have to take it anyway - but by being assertive, not aggressive or by trying to get him to feel sorry for you.

I really hope I haven't said anything to upset you. I just hate the thought that you are feeling like the only way to cope is to back off and wait for the next child. You deserve a great relationship with your ds, as much as he deserves the same with you.

I agree with others about your dh getting something out of being the one in charge. I think this is a deep seated problem and you have my symapthies - when I read your bit about him doing most of the talking at Relate but accusing you of gettting all the attention, I felt really sad for you. But I get the impression that you do talk a lot to each other, and you say he is a good man 80% of the time, so it's not as bad as it could be.

Do you think your husband needs you to hover defeated in the background while he shows you what a good dad he is? That's the impression I get. Does he need an audience in other words?

What would happen if you deprove him of that audience? throw him off balance. Next time he's taking over, look relieved, say you cuold do with a break from ds and happily go off and do something else. Let him do all the changing, feeding, clearing up, getting ready - don't be around to help with the menial tasks. Rather than taking 'time off', go and do something else in another part of the house, whatever you enjoy that you can get immersed in - like gardening, cooking, sorting out the photo albums - so you are still 'working' so he can't say you have gone off in a huff and are in the wrong. You could even say you are looking up parenting sited on the internet and come on here

If you dh starts to talk to you about ds, say something like 'sounds good to me, why not give it a go when you're with him' but don't seem over interested or up for a fight. And don't say you will follow his 'rules' when he is not around. If pushed, say you'll think about them. I don't know your dh so I don't know how he will react if you do this, but I feel he won't get half as much satisfaction out of being right if no one is taking notice. If he gets angry ask him what's the matter, and listen to him - but don't justify yourself.

The other thing is, soon your ds will be a fully fledged toddler. IME That means hell for controlling people. Toddlers have minds of their own and will tell you what they want constantly. That should be interesting for your dh. Being in sole charge of a toddler for hours on end can get on the nerves of the most superdad. If he rejects your input now, he may be begging for it in six months time. Must dash but will come back...

Im with M.I here, it think when its you thats going to do something with ds, like pick him up or whatever and your dh says do the opposite, I think you should just carry on with whatever you were going to do. My dp has tryed this trick, even though he has only had our children for about 24 hours out of their whole life on his own, they are 6 and 3, and i have just ignored him.
It sound to me as if hes enjoying undermining you, maybe he has little control at work and feels in control making you feel small.
You are not a fraud, you are still your little ones mummy, and he does love you too. But because Daddy keeps butting in he will think Daddy the only one who can sort him out.
If you ignore you dh and just carry on with what you feels best, your ds will learnt that you are just as useful and kind as Daddy is.
If your dh doesnt like it, your going to have to ask him why he doesnt want you to do abc...and why afer xyz hasnt worked does he resort to what you suggest in the forst place.
Hugsx

just wanted to add, my sons (4 and 9) go through phases of going to one parent more than another. This started when they were very young. They soon learned what parent is 'best' at certain things and who will say yes when they want their own way. When my first son started to do this (ie as soon as he could walk) it hurt. I used to wonder if my son would ever say 'I love you mummy' again. But he always did. Don't underestimate the bond you have with your son, Pokemonstory.

My dh disagrees with me about parenting stuff in front of my sons from time to time. So far I can't say it's affected how our sons see me or dh. I don't like this type of sniping, but I refuse to let it get to me. I try to end the discussion asap by nodding and smiling vaguely, changing the subject or walking away, then if I want to go back to it, discuss it with dh when the children are out of earshot. I don't want the children to see me wholeheartedly agreeing with dh every time he snaps his fingers! I do make efforts to take dh's views on board if I agree with them, but I always tell our sons that because daddy and mummy are different people, we sometimes see things differently - that's life. My sons and I now have a few private jokes about daddy and 'his ways' I also use humour to diffuse situations when dh and I are disagreeing in front of the boys. We only disagree on details, our sons know we agree on the big things.

Oh WOW - I feel so overwhelmed with love for all of you Mums out there - I finally feel as though I have an 'out' where I can raise these issues and not feel judged. All of your advice has been incredibly helpful and YES I'm going to be more assertive and just DO IT and YES dh's father had very little to do with dh as he was growing up. As you have said that I am my ds's mummy and he knows that. The other night we were at some friends house for dinner. One of the hosts slipped over and scared ds - he got quite a shock. I picked him up and cuddled him and tried to comfort him, yet he kept reaching out for dh and so I just put him down and ds went to dh and sat on his lap. I just sat on the lounge (next to our other host) and started to chat. DS was staring at me the whole time, so I ignored him. Suddenly ds started reaching out for me and wriggled to get down, and woe behold he came running over to me and that's where he spent the rest of the night. I know that infants can pick up on their parents 'hidden anxieties' and ds must have picked up my 'lack of confidence' and headed off to dh. When I ignored him, he felt left out - that his mummy didn't need him. So I think I really need to find ways to overcome my constant feeling of anxiety when I interact with ds so then he'll feel more comfortable with me as he does with his CONFIDENT father. You all are just such beautiful angels I have been blessed to meet. Without you I would have just given up - but I felt somewhat accountable to all mummies out there to try harder...and it is working. Please keep up with your advice - I just absorb every word. LOL PokemonStorey

My ds is the same as I was on dialysis for the 1st few years of his life.We now share the work and childcare but they have a very strong bond which I find sweet and reassuring as my health is so shaky,can you talk to him and tell him how you feel?

Think tigermoth has a good point about controlling people and toddlers. I am my DS's primary caregiver and so as a baby/young toddler he would tend to turn to me more than DH. But now everytime I do something he's not happy with we get the refrain "I want my Daddy". Might not be long before you start to get "I want my Mummy".

Hope you have had your confidence boosted by some of the helpful messages that have been posted. And good luck.