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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

8 month old can't be left alone for a minute without bawling!

10 replies

EvanMom · 19/04/2004 16:20

ds2 is 8 months old and his older brother is 2. Up until 6 months old ds2 was a dream - he only cried when he was hungry, smiled all the time and slept well at night. It was fantastic and made having two sons close together a little easier. Anyway at 7 months someone flicked a switch and for the last month things have been very different. He is fine if I carry him around with me. Every single time I put him down and turn and walk just one step away from him he bawls as if his whole world is falling apart. He doesn't stop until I pick him up. I have tried leaving him, but he just bawls until he retches and then I give in. I don't manage to get much done in the day and it is driving me slightly ga ga. Anyone else in same boat? Any suggestions? I never gave him a dummy as he was such a happy little lad and I am reluctant to start at 8 months but the noise.... and the grizzling..... AAAAhhhhhh. I certainly don't remember this happening with ds1.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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aloha · 19/04/2004 16:40

It's separation anxiety. He has suddenly twigged (due to a spurt in brain development) that you are a separate person to him...which means...gulp...that you can leave and maybe NOT COME BACK. This is understandably absolutely terrifying to a little mite who loves you passionately, and will feel to him as if his whole world is falling apart. Though, also totally understandably, it is incredibly annoying and frustration for you. It is a phase though, and will ebb and flow through early childhood IME. I think it might help to get through this tricky path if you go with it as much as humanly possible, so keep him with you and near you lots and be extra reassuring. I think children really vary in the degree of separation anxiety they feel and doesn't mean they won't be independent later.

LIZS · 19/04/2004 16:53

dd was like this and at this age is perfectly normal. She started just before she turned 5 months. She would bawl out of distress not just for attention. Once she was mobile I found it easier to leave the room as she could follow (within limits) if needs be. If you do need to leave him alone in a room keep talking to reassure him you are still there and will return. However I didn't rush to leave her as I thought it would make things worse.

It did gradually improve and you may find that this phase passes quickly, or as in our case, not so quickly. She is 2.5 now and have had a bit of a difficult time leaving her over the years but she is happy to be left at playgroup and stay with people she knows, and is old enough to prime in advance. Creches can sometimes still be no-go though so we just have to accept that it may not always work out.

hth

Original poster

EvanMom · 19/04/2004 16:55

thanks aloha... I suppose sometimes I expect too much. I just want five minutes to load the dishwasher, have a cup of tea, put the bins out etc. Even having him with me doesn't work most of the time - he still grizzles. I blinked and ds1 is now suddenly 2 so I do not want to wish the time away as I know it will go fast anyway. I just get frustrated that sometimes that there are times when I feel that I am waiting for them to grow up and for things to get easier. How dreadful is that.

OP posts:

toddlerbob · 19/04/2004 20:01

I played the bye bye game. You have to say bye to absolutely everything for a bit "bye bye plate going into the dishwasher" "bye bye trees in the park". Then you start to go out of the room saying bye bye. Do this confidently - you know you are coming back. Literally come back in straight away and make a big fuss over seeing him "again". Play this a lot of times gradually increasing the time until you can go to the toilet. Always be confident when leaving and make a huge theatrical fuss when you come back. Make the coming back so good that it's worth waiting for.

It worked for me, but it takes a LOT of energy for 2 weeks or so.

Evita · 19/04/2004 20:58

EM, aloha's totally right. And I did a 'bye bye' game too with dd similar to toddlerbob's. Dd's never been as clingy as your ds sounds but she does have moments. I've noticed it's worse when she's insecure about something else, say some teeth coming or a virus etc. When you say having him with you 'doesn't work' and he grizzles what do you mean? You mean having him in the same room while you do stuff? Is your back up to getting one of those papoos style baby slings that rest on your hip? When dd's particularly clingy I have resorted to holding her as much as possible. Ok, it's tiring but not as grating as having her hanging off my trousers whinging!

vivie · 19/04/2004 21:50

EvanMom, my ds was just like yours at the same age and it's incredibly frustrating. It helped me to remember that he wasn't being naughty, he was genuinely frightened that I might not come back. I remember losing my mum in a department store when I was a little girl (obviously older than 8 months!) and how scared I was and I try hard to think about how ds must be feeling.
I tried to make his cot a secure place for him to be alone. I started by putting him in it with some toys and books and sitting with him, then gradually leaving the room for longer and longer times. I got the idea from the 'Baby Whisperer' book and it took a while but it did work. He's much better now (age 17 months) but he does need to take his time to adjust to new situations and people before he's confident to go and explore on his own - but I'm like that too!
Hang in there!

Pook · 20/04/2004 16:59

my dd is 9 months and desperately "attached". i feel so guilty because will have a`whole day of yearning for 5 mins me-time, only to read penelope leach or other saying its because she loves me sooo much. so then i feel heartbroken and unworthy of that love just because i wanted a pee in privacy for once!

lindsay7777 · 20/04/2004 21:16

My son is also VERY clingy at the moment... he'll be 8 months at the end of the month. He has just started being like this in the past few weeks. Even when I sit right next to him touching him while he plays, he will not play for more than a minute before turning himself around in a semi-circle and reaching out for me to hold him. I'm holding out hope that it's only this bad because he's teething at the moment (tooth #1 came through yesterday and I think #2 is not far behind judging by the grizzling and the flushed cheek) and it will get a little better once the impending tooth breaks through. It might be worse for us, too, since DS doesn't ever really spend any time alone with anyone else... occasionally with Daddy but not much. Never with grandparents or in a creche.

I'm just thankful he doesn't seem to have too much of a problem when he goes to sleep if I put him down when he's really tired (and sometimes he falls asleep on me while feeding), there's usually 1-2 minutes full-on bawling and then quiet and sleep. Previous to this separation anxiety, he was going down for naps and to bed with NO crying whatsoever!!!

Anyway, just letting you know there's another one in the same boat...

lindsay7777 · 20/04/2004 21:17

Funnily enough, I might have separation anxiety myself, as (like Pook) I yearn for 5 minutes alone during the day, but when he's asleep at night I pine for him and can't help going in to look at him sleeping-- I miss him!!!

Nutcracker · 20/04/2004 21:19

My dd2 was like that. If she was sat in her bouncy chair and i stepped to either side she would go mad, evm though she could still see me.
Am deperatly trying to think of some good advice but i can't really remember what i did.
Will have a think and get back to you.

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