Bad behaviour of 8 yr old.

[grammargirly]

We are really struggling with my 8yr old granddaughter who lives with me and her mum, my daughter. She can be so sweet and is very well mannered and my sister and another friend Always say they will have her anytime ( to live with them ) she is so lovely. BUT, and here comes the but, she just will not do ANYTHING that he is told, or asked for that matter. She has lived here with me since she was born so only knows her mum and me. No Male role models in her life. She is insolent, obstreporous and downright refuses to do things. Every single morning is a battle to get her dressed and breakfast eaten. My daughter is (mainly) fairly quiet and firm in grying to handle her but at times she does shout at her, and so do I sometimes. I try not to interfere in anyway and I have NEVER given in to her if her mum has said, for example, no you cannot! I have never gone against her.
Does ANYONE have anysuggestions as to how to handle her? She doesnt have friends at school, they dont like the way she behaves. We have no neighbours and she doesnt see many other children. She always went to play school from the age of 2.5.
We were told to play cards with her and not give in to her and let her win. We dont let her win but she does a lot. She just seems to get the cards! She beats us at connct 4 also. Her reading is way beyond her years. She is not so good on maths.
She just doesnt care about anything. Wint do her homework. Just says she is not doing it and she doesnt care if she gets told off.
Do you think that because my daughter has been so strict with her (in my opinion) this is why she doesnt care? Because she was always being told off for this that ir the other?
And Ungrateful. If you go to take her out somewhere she doesnt want to go. You take her, he enjoys herself and then is a little madm again afterwards!!,
I really cannot offer her any advice. I had three kids but , Hey! What do I know?.
Thanks for reading.

Has she been that way all her life? What do the teachers at school say? There's a good book called "How to talk so Kids listen" Or something like that.

IME as an ex EY teacher and nanny|minder also like you Mum of 3! 8 yr/ olds CAN be stroppy and 'know it all' ; they're testing the boundaries. I found that being firm but really fair with them worked the best. It's good to allow them to relax at home (like we all need to). E.G allow so much screen time after homework or whatever and she can work up to it.

IME punishment doesn't work well unless she can see the reason for it.

Tell her and your daughter none of us are perfect. I can see you're in a difficult position with your daughter too. Maybe sit down with her to discuss the problem calmly.

I think they can be difficult at this age (I have a 7 year old so about the same). She is rude sometimes but very helpful others. Stroppy some days, lovely others.

With the rudeness, etc, I try not to shout (don't always succeed of course) but I find that if I talk to her in a low voice and tell her that I find her answering back, etc rude and that we do not talk to her in that way it is much more effective.

With the getting ready for school in the morning rather than chasing her to do everything (which means she gets lots of attention in a negative way) try making it a positive thing. So tell her that she has half an hour, she needs to be ready at that time. Link good behaviour to treats - I've had success with telling my daughter that if she does something (like keep her bedroom tidy for a week) she can choose what we have for dinner for example. Tell her that if she's not ready she will have to go in her pjs. And be prepared to follow through with any threats.

With the not wanting to go somewhere there may be some anxiety involved about the journey to get there. My daughter often says she doesn't want to go somewhere but enjoys it when she's there. Its often the idea of getting in the car for an hour that puts her off.

There will be days when she will be horrible for no apparent reason and they forget that other people have feelings as well so they don't always care what they say in return.

Has she always been like this?

What do school say about her? Have they mentioned her lack of friends or anything about her social skills?

She sounds a bit like my DD who is being assessed for aspergers currently.

Hiya. Thanks all for your input. I have ordered the Book, how to talk so that you child listens and how to listen when your child talks. - or similarly worded.
The school and her teacher are very good. They have arranged for a counsellor to come and chat with her after Christmas and she came and chatted with my daughter also.

I think we have tried all of the above suggestions. She is, slowly, getting better at getting dressed. The uniform in a bag and the threat did not really work. I mean, she did always get dressed eventually but it was 45 mins of hell.
I think with regard to the Going Somewhere, she really moans about the length of time it takes to go anywhere. She is Very unused to going anywhere other than school, swimming, TaeKwon Do or to the Stable. Other than that she has never really gone anywhere. They never went to friends house to play with other kids before she started school. That, possibly could be part of the reason that she was never used to playing with other kids. I try to take her to the park when the weather is OK. So does her mum sometimes but there never seems to be enough time after the clocks change.
I think I will wait
For the book to arrive and see what I can glean from that
I really appreciate all the input from you
Cheers

I would be worried about the lack of friends at school, along with her complete refusal to comply.

Does she follow instructions at school? Are there concerns about her behaviour in the classroom?

I think that she does do as instructed at school.
Regarding friends, I am beginning to think that a lot of it is inflated. She has come home with Loads of christmas cards today - and Not just from her class. Usually they do cards for everone in their class I know but these cards from others is encouraging.
The book has arrived today. I have had a flick through and the contents are encouraging. I showed it to my daughter and she said that she almost bought it the other day but got distracted and never got around to it.
Hopefully we will both be able to use information from it.
I am hoping that between us we can help her to be less stroppy and more compoiant.
Cheers for reading.

It all sounds very negative and stressful. You need rewards, routine and fun! Do you have lots of fun together? Does your DD act silly and make the morning playful? Do you use humour?

Hi hedgehogsbuzz1
No, we dont have lots of fun. And Yes, everything IS stressful.
My granddaughter just doesnt think things are funny except, possibly, if I help her to get dressed and I put everything on upside down and back to front.
I wll give you an example of her humour. I came back from one of my other daughters' a few weeks ago. He two, boy and girl, cracking uo at a cartoon joke on Youtube. The one where the boy is selling lemonade in his front garden and the duck kept coming along saying GOT ANY GRAPES?
When I got back home i called it up on YouTube and showed her and she just said it was silly, as the boy is only selling lemonade. Why would the duck ask for grapes??
Tomorrow after school we have suggested that we make some bird food using peanuts and lard and bread in small pots. She said she didnt want to do it. We thought it would be good!! time will tell..
Well, only two more days at school now so getting her to get dressed is going to be worse now as she doesnt have to put on a uniform and actually go to school.Night all, and thank you for reading.

Maybe get her changed back to front then? T shirt on backwards, pants in backwards, coat on backwards. also put your cardigan on back to front and plan to do everything backwards?

She can always put her self right in the loos at school.

I would get her checked out by the Ed. psych. at school.

I love making up games and stories with my GD and she does the same, as Hedgehogs says children NEED fun, You know 'acting out' a story while getting dressed to take her mind off the "YOU HAVE TO" element. No one likes to get upon the dark and cold to go out EVERY DAY do they?

I feel for you, I've stayed with my ex dil and gd and it's been sooo stressful (her parenting style is terribly inconsistent) she's like a big baby herself .

Does she respond to races? We 'race' up the stairs, race to get dressed. It's quite effective. Could you put your things on backwards at the same time as she is getting dressed? If she cooperates at school how does she? Does she immediately do as she's asked or does she need persuading?

My friend's very bright girl doesn't like doing her homework. There's nothing wrong with her she just doesn't want to do it. So her mum let her 'earn' a treat. Each week she had to do it without complaining and she could earn a point towards a treat at the end of term. Which she chose. She made herself a chart and wrote it all out and ticked it off each week. It was a more concrete award than just a sticker. Could you try something like this?

There is a small possibility she might be Aspergers - however she could also be totally the opposite and be extremely sensitive, therefore finding social situations overwhelming, picking up on others emotions easily and needing quiet time to feel centered.

It might be something as basic as not enjoying that particular school or the girls in that particular class and not wanting to go.

Some very good ideas for you grammar from Hedgehogs and Cedars Lots of luck and well done for getting the book .

My 8 year old is polite, kind and generally a lovely child, but he does test the boundaries, he shouts at me, back chats, doesn't listen etc, I see it as him letting off steam, generally if he's very tired that affects his behaviour and some days it feels like a battle ground. I do however, think children should be able to let loose to a degree in their own home, but, children still need boundaries and they still need to maintain a level of respect towards their parents. House rules and removal of privileges work well in our house.

I agree basically Tillytoes but I think respect HAS to work both ways to work at all otherwise the child becomes humiliated.

I got upset for my GD because both my xdil and ds are strange about food with her. They were force feeding and still make a huge thing about food which I can see leading to real problems.

Thank you ALL so much for your responces to my post.
Below, is the link to the book
How To Talk So Children Listen and Listen So Children Talk.
I have read and re-read everyones responses and am going to try to alter my way in which i deal with her. I am hoping her mum will find time to read the book once Christmas is over. At least flip through and read the cartoons.

Incidentally, how can you make her/ what do you say and do? when she refuses to get out of the car if i collect her from school?

Cheers one and all. And Thanks.........

www.thebookpeople.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/qs_product_tbp?storeId=10001&catalogId=10051&langId=100&productId=404713&cm_mmc=Google%20Adwords--PLA--How+to+Talk+to+Kids+So+Kids+Will+Listen+and+Listen+So+Kids+Will+Talk---AHFJP&ds_e_ad_type=pla&cm_mmc=Google%20Adwords--Google%20PLA%20All%20Products&gclid=CKHLh8vP1cICFQHJtAodGQ8AYQ

Great you've got the book. Tell us more about why she doesn't want to get out of the car?

I think I would try to find something she likes doing. Be it drawing together, knitting, feeding the birds.

Also, perhaps find a social after school activity. Like netball where she can be in a team.

Praise her. I really think that they need to think they are special at something.

'You know, I couldn't knit like that until I was about 12! You have taken to it really well."

"I saw how you caught the ball tonight. You are getting better every week"

I've told my dd that a certain bird only comes into our garden to eat when she's there. Obviously I've made that up, but it makes dd feel good.

Make stuff fun. I have an eight year old myself. They are moany! We do a 'getting dressed race with sabotage' which means you are allowed to throw the other persons clothes. She loves loves it!

Hmmmmm, l typed a long report earlier and it's not here.!?!
Will have to check tomorrow?!! I have beem reading about Aspergers'.
I cant quite decide whether she has enough of the traits. Cant think now, its too late. Cheers.

Google the national autistic society, I think they've got a ASD list there?