Unbelievable Tantrums

[Jenbo]

I am a Granny who is seeking advice on behalf of my son and his wife. My granddaughter is 2 years and 7 months old and throws tantrums like one who has gone insane. A few days ago, one of the neighbours called the police because they thought that she was being murdered. My son explained that she's two and probably having children of his own, the policeman accepted my son's explanation. A day or two later, when she was in the midst of a rage, another neighbour knocked on the door to find out if everything was okay. My son lives in a big house with a huge property so you can only imagine the noise she was making. She loses control totally and can scream for 2 hours. Tiredness and hunger trigger the reaction more quickly but otherwise, it could be anything. Once it was because she wasn't allowed to put her own shoes on (lack of time one morning) - an hour later, once she had stopped screaming, she still told her Mom that she wants to put her shoes on. She kicks out at anyone who comes near her when she's screaming. Both parents immediately put her in her room when she starts screaming and leave her there until she stops. They intermittently enter the room and ask her if she wants to stop screaming and leave the room, but she goes on until she is ready to stop. Any ideas?

Try not to worry too much about it. My dd would have tantrums of a similar level and for similar periods of time. She once had a tantrum on the way to, and inside a shop that took over 1.5 hours to go. She looked to bad, she looked as if she was having a fit.

I found that ignoring the tantrum and rewarding correct behaviour was the only thing that worked.

She is now a very bright, happy and sane 7 year old.....this will pass.

I'm in the midst of this too and have had my neighbours ask if anything is wrong (in a nice way, though).

I try to ignore the tantrum as much as possible and then play with him after he's done.

It seems like my son is constantly naughty, so there wasn't a lot of praise I could think of... but my SIL made the suggestion of asking him to do things he's about to do, no matter how small. Eg, if he's about to open a door, ask him to open the door, then go on and on and on praising him. That way he's learning that doing what's asked is rewarding. Don't know if that works well, but so far it's making both of us feel a little better in between the screaming!

Good luck to your son and wife. I know how nerve shattering it is. Complete support from you and advice only when asked are really really helpful too (wish someone would tell my mom that -- although it sounds like you're great).

first let me offer your son and his wife my sympathy as my ds1 when he was younger screamed so loud the neighbours use to remark on a daily basis and completely undermined my confidence as a parent, i use to close the door and cry myself! anyway he is now 4 and all i can do is offer some suggestions that have helped turn things around:
1.as a mum and dad you are their whole world and at this critical stage of development they are trying to make sense of that world.
2. you are your childs first teacher - and that means teaching them to how to manage and handle their emotions by example
3.talk to them as an adult but in short sentences giving a brief explanation or warning of why we do things or need to do things. ie: 5 minutes before 'we need to help you put your shoes on in a minute, we are going to the shops' then 5 minutes later 'ok its time to go to the shops and put your shoes on' if she resists or wants to do it herself build that time into the day so she can exert some of that independence and/or make it playful to take some of the stress out of the situation 'hey where's mr and mrs shoe -are they hiding?' type of thing. in addition if she insists she doesn't want her shoes on maybe on one occasion let her go without so she understands the experience and feels the cold or wet under her feet so she can make sense of why we wear shoes as sometimes the reasons we give can be abstract concepts to a small child.
4.i found something called 'compassionate communication' also known as non-violent communication gave dramatic results if interested go to www.nvc.org/ then 'articles' and 'parenting'. my ds1's teacher recommended it as they use it in the school and it takes away most of the conflicts.
5.try preparing her for each day, explain what is going to happen, give her plenty of warning and lots and lots of time and patience. structure to the day so she can begin to anticipate her days and find confidence in tasks that she wants to do may also help.
6. when meltdown can't be avoided have you tried distraction? i find baths and or regular swim really help calm down my ds1
7. another thing that helped my son was 'cranial osteopathy' tiny manipulations of the head - he use to headbang during stress or tiredness which was very disturbing to witness. he fell asleep in the practicioners arms during treatment and has slept well ever since.
8.i also avoided dragging my ds1 round the shops when he was younger as he was very sensitive to crowds/lights/noise. i shoped online most of the time or when i did have to go i would try and involve him ie. 'can you help mummy find some carrots', 'lets count the carrots into the bag'.then it would free the rest of the day to go for walks in the woods/trip to beach etc. to use some of that energy in a child friendly environment.
9. i also found a way to utilise my son's really loud voice in the form of a 'musikgarten'(montessori music group) lots of singing and dancing with no pressure to perform.
10.found the following book on amazon which also gave me some confidence back and helped turn my relationship around with my son and other people who would make 'unhelpful'comments. its called 'raising your spirited child' can't remember author but you could run a title search if interested. its so bloomin hard this parenting lark - my son has been my teacher aswell. he sort of held up a mirror to my own responses and behaviour and made me realise i had to change to try and be the best parent i could be to him. very steep learning curve and still learning.best of luck and thinking of you

god i must really try and write shorter posts:0

also meant to add the nvc focuses on what you child CAN do rather than what they CAN'T do.it can really help turn their world around. also good pointers in changing language we use with children for example instead of saying no all the time which begins to lose its meaning you say stop. it also takes out the opportunity to use threats ie. if you don't tidy up now you won't go to the playground later. you try and help them understand by saying something like 'its time to tidy up now' be specific 'can you put the bricks back in the box so we don't trip over them and fall, then we are all safe and we can make a new brick tower tomorrow' then lots of praise.hope some of this rambling helps got to go ds2 just woken up