Managing Separation Anxiety - 2.5yo

[ElphabaTheGreen]

DS1 is going through a terribly clingy phase at the moment, due in part to his age, compounded by the fact that the nice new gleam is wearing off DS2 (17 weeks). He's not at all jealous towards DS2 - absolutely adores him and cuddles him at every opportunity - but is obviously sensing that he is no longer The One with me and does not want to let me out of his sight or grasp.

His sleep has gone slightly squiffy, which would be alright if he'd accept DH going to him (I'm dealing with EBF DS2's 40 million wake-ups) but he's started escalating and actually kicking/hitting out at DH if he goes into resettle instead of me. He's gone from allowing DH to put him to bed completely to only allowing him to do it if I'm in the room as well, or at least very nearby giving reassurance - I'm also doing the 'looking busy' thing, popping in and out so he knows that I'll always come back. The PILs 'helped' with getting the DCs to bed tonight as DH is working away, but that actually consisted of sitting with a hysterically shrieking DS1 downstairs while I put DS2 to bed upstairs. They had faces like thunder when I went down and FIL actually said to DS1, 'I'm very unhappy with you!' I'm sure they would have liked me to give him a 'telling off' (for what, I'm not sure), but I gave him a cuddle and explained quietly that mummy would always be there but that she had to see to DS2. Don't even start me on nursery drop-offs. They're fucking traumatising. Nursery actually called me back one morning because he'd vomited from screaming so hard

I'm trying to give hime one-to-one time where possible, but obviously this is pretty limited to weekends when DH is around. I try never to refuse his requests for cuddles. DS2 must needs be present a lot of the time when he's playing but I try to ensure that there's a balance between undivided attention from me, but also involving his baby brother, which he genuinely seems to enjoy.

Is there anything more I could be doing, or is it simply a case of do as I am and ride the mo fo out? I'm finding it quite upsetting

I'm not sure I have any advice, but you have my sympathy. I used to leave DS at playschool with both of us crying. This carried on until halfway through reception year at school. It passed, with the school's excellent support, but it was utterly horrendous.

And now I have DD2, who is almost 11mo and Will Not Be Left. DH can't settle her. Yesterday I left her with my sister upstairs in a shopping centre while I ran into one shop downstairs. I could hear her screaming (DD, not my sister!) from the till in the shop on another floor.

It's horrible and I'm sorry you're struggling with it

shouting at him and telling him off is going ot be counterproductive.

he needs lots of reassurance. lots of cuddles lots of time with you. try getting your h to puyt baby to bed whileyou do special time with him. put baby down sometimes to give ds a cuddle. get on the sofa and cuddle both....rugby ball hold for feeding baby sometimes while ds gets the cuddles round the other side.

dd was very good at shouting "bibi down!" and pointing at the baby chair.

oh and never, ever leave ds alone with baby. lack of impulse control may get the better of him.

Yep - doing all that Blackeyedsusan. Good to know I'm on the right track. DS2 is still partly reliant on boob for his bedtime, but he goes to bed slightly earlier than DS1 so I'm still involved in part or all of DS1's bedtime but doing a little bit of gradual withdrawal and return so he gets happy with DH doing it again

FIL did actually tell me this morning that I need to start being stern with DS1 about it because he's 'being wilful' and 'that way perdition lies' I'll get bloody stern with him if he says anything again. Can't believe I was so civil under the circumstances.

You are doing brilliantly. FIL needs to mind his own business! DS1 will settle into the new world order with time and lots of love, cuddles and reassurance. Keep at it...

I think a little bit of ignoring the baby when he first cries and telling you DS1 that the baby will have to wait a moment because you're busy with him might be helpful to remind him that he's still a priority.