He used to be such a lovely little boy.......how can I get him back ??

[nutcracker]

Ds will be 4 in December and his behaviour is gradually getting worse and worse.
I know some of it can probably be attributed to whats been going on at home but I don't think all of it can.

I feel really out of my depth with how to deal with it all.

Main problem is the way he speaks to me and other people bu mainly me. He regularly calls me an idiot, stupid, tells me to shut up. If i ask him to do something he says NO YOU DO IT.

If I tell him off he tells me to shut up, well actually he shouts it, thats another problem, the shouting.

Xp never called me any of the names Ds is calling me so I am not sure where he has got them from, but I want it to stop.

So far I have banned him from watching Spiderman and Batman, his favourties but i think he has picked some of the behavouir up from them.

I am not sure what else to do though. When he tells me to shut up, I tell him not to say it, have said it upsets me etc etc but he doesn't care he just carries on.

Today he has been in my room and tipped 5 jigsaws out all over the floor. I have told him he has to pick them up otherwise if i do it i will throw them out (i am anyway cos they have bits missing but he doesn't know that). I am prepared to do that, but tbh i don't think he'll care.

Any advice for sorting him out would be really appreciated.

i think this isn't altogether uncommon. My ds will be 4 in November, and although he doesn't talk to me quite like that he certainly has become more sulky and temperamental over the past couple of months. I think it has largely to do with the fact that he is now at preschool and has fallen under the influence of others and me and dh are no longer his only influence.

I tend to find that removal of privilages does some good, banning of television/the park/his bike, sending to his room, and confiscation of toys. Also, always follow through on a threat - "if you don't pick up that toy it goes in the bin". I know that sounds a harsh threat, but he will learn very quickly that if his toys are lost because of his actions then maybe it's a good idea not to do x again.

Good luck.

Thanks wannabe, i think i need to get tougher with him.

Oh dear jajas, it is upsetting though isn't it, and embarassing. Ds thinks nothing of telling me to shut up or calling me in a idiot when we are in a queue full of people.

I think alot of the behaviour, especially the words have ben picked up from next doors charming kids (not).

Hi Nutcracker. You could try the "traffic light" system. I've taught 4 year olds and it worked with them! There are 2 main rules for YOU to follow though before it will work, and they are you HAVE to be consistent and you HAVE to follow through with what you say will happen, otherwise he will soon learn to manipulate it!

You will need to draw a big traffic light or have 3 coloured circles (green, orange, red) stuck up in a very visible place. Then using a photo of your DS's face, start him on the green light (green is good!) You need to explain carefully what YOUR expectations of him are and what will happen if he breaks a rule. (you could even get him to tell you what he thinks are the rule breakers, and write them down together, so he feels part of the decision making.)
Then explain to him that if he breaks a rule, his face will move up the traffic light for each rule "violation" until it gets to the red light.(final step before you take action!) If he breaks a rule again, he will have to face some sort of repercussion; (eg: no television for an hour, no baking together, etc) He can earn back his green light by saying sorry and changing his behaviour, moving one light at a time (really important to make a BIG deal out of good behaviour) His aim should be to be on the green light at bedtime, which should earn him a treat (not sweets, etc, but maybe you could give him a choice between an extra bedtime story, or 10 mins longer in the bath, etc You will know the kind of things that get his pulse racing!!) He should start each day on a clean slate, so that he has a fair chance to reach his goal each day. It might not work brilliantly straight away, or it might work for three days and then he gets tired of it, but the big thing is that you stick with it and take some control back. He needs to know you are serious about bringing about better behaviour in him. Does that make sense??!! Hope so, good luck!

I think they get a testosterone surge at 4 or something. I'm not necessarily managing my 9yo very well atm but fwiw, here's my advice

tell him what the rules are, type them out if necessary. Try to use positive language, i.e. Use a normal voice rather than 'no whining'

catch him being good and praise him for it

tell him in advance the consequences of bad behaviour, i.e, a warning, a chance to put it right and then it's taken away etc

Give him attention when he isn't being badly behaved

make sure he gets enough sleep/exercise/good healthy food. boys esp seem to need exercising

for saying 'shut up' either ignore (my ds for instance knows there's no point in telling me to fk off, I just don't get worked up about it, so he calls dh an idiot instead, which he knows winds him up) or immediate action, i.e. outside in corridor/hall

I wouldn't worry too much about spiderman but I would massively limit Playstation if he has it

do the 'soft no' so "no, I won't be picking it up (said calmly) and it's up to you whether you do it or not, I don't mind, but if you do then x will happen and if you do y will happen, your choice" but said as if you don't have a care in the world.

Thanks both, lots of good advice there.

I do react too much and don't stay calm, so he does know which buttons to push to get a reaction. I will have to stop doing that and work on ignoring and answering him calmly.

The traffic light technique sounds great NAKM, I am going to read through your post again later when all the kids are in bed and make some notes.

It struck me that when reading you post I assumed that Ds wouldn't understand what was going on even if I explained it to him and thats something I keep thinking and it's wrong. It's not that I don't think he is bright or anything, but more that he is the youngest and I tend to forget that he is nearly 4 and treat him as though he was about 2.

I have to start getting used to the fact that he is old enough to understand simple instructions and rules.

I feel quite bad, i'm sure alot of his behaviour is down to me treating him like a baby and letting him get away with murder.

Don't be so hard on yourself! It's always easier looking in than dealing with it day to day. Sounds like you've done a great job and this is just a "blip" for now!
If you have been thinking of DS as still young, perhaps you might need to start giving him a little responsibilty too. Just very simple things like setting the table for dinner (his Big Boy job) or helping you find 5 things off your shopping list when you go shopping. (Make sure they're easy enough for him to identify and that they are not left to the end of the trip, or you might have a melt-down before he is able to succeed!) Just a few ideas to try out if you want. Just hope I'll remember them when my DD (4 months) goes through it all!!
But I'm sure you are doing a brilliant job and the very fact that you want to make it better makes you a caring mum!

Hi nutcracker. Not sure if you are still watching this thread, but any improvement yet?? Hope so!