How to deal with hitting - 4yo

[Celestria]

My youngest ds turns five on February. He started school in August, one of the youngest in his class. His teacher pulled me aside today to tell me that he has been hitting other children today and dug his nails into another child's hand.

At home he is usually very well behaved. He and his older brother do occasionally hit each other but it's dealt with consistently and as soon as possible.

I have for children altogether and have never had to deal with hitting. It just hasn't occurred. My youngest has been through a lot though. His dad and I split when he was 14 months. I've had to move three times though thankfully settled now. He was in a nursery but this is a new school.

He does lack some self confidence and can be clingy at times.

I'd like to support the school and put a stop to his behaviour. I do feel they are making him out to be very bad, but I'm probably a bit overprotective. He has been through a hitting phase when he first started but it petered off which the teacher acknowledged.

Now whilst I want to reinforce he can't be hurting other children, at his age I do believe it needs to be properly dealt with when it actually happens. Me picking him up at the end of the school day and telling him off for something that happened in the morning seems a bit pointless. I'm not saying however it should just be up to the school. Could anyone advise on what I could do here? Tia.

How was DS today? The autumn term is a long one. If he had a hitting phase which tailed off then he is clearly capable of controlling reactive impulses.

Did the teacher explain whether this was over the course of the entire day or just a fraction of it?

I wonder what the circumstances were? Ie. Suspect he wouldn't just go up to a random child and hit them. Something made him want to lash out. That does not mean he is destined to be a bully. Children often cope with the demands of school and grown ups telling them what to do all day but relax and get grumpy as soon as the bell goes for home-time. Yesterday the teacher told you about DS's negative behaviour but don't forget he has probably managed many hours fitting in and not making waves.

If DS can open up about what triggered his actions you might be able to show him how to deal with whatever caused him to get angry in the first place, at a time when he's not angry.

Are his brothers/sisters winding him up at home, is he calm when with you?

Ideally school will work with you again to help settle his behaviour.

I had a chat with a friend about this recently whose son is 14. She said it was hard work back in Reception. He was even suspended by the school for biting in the playground.... Her advice to me was to constantly talk through it with him. She said things calmed down by Year 3. I think you just have to persevere and work with your child. Our DS massively lacks empathy and emotional intelligence compared with other children his age, it would seem. Maybe yours is in a similar boat?
My DS will literally glaze over as the victim bawls their head off on the floor. It's like trying to talk to a brick wall. I can only hope with time he'll improve.
It's tough and emotionally draining.