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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is/was your dc the hitter or the hit?!

15 replies

Elf1981 · 08/10/2006 21:01

My dd is a year old (was 1 on the 6th Oct). It's probably a bit young to be worried about behaviour like this but...
she always seems to be the one who is pushing/hitting other children. At the CM's, even though she is the youngest, she rules the roost! Today we had a little party and she was constantly pushing my friends daughter who is 6 weeks older than her. She's also started pinching me.
Just a few things -
a) do you feel like your always apologising for your child pushing other children, or are you the one picking your child off the floor
b) at one point should I become really worried about her behaviour, rather than just joking that I'll be sat in the headmasters office in a few years time due to her picking on other kids
c) how the hell do I stop a 1 year old pinching?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Adorabelle · 08/10/2006 21:54

I'm only on my 1st child (also helped raise my 11 yr old lil sis) so am no expert but I
don't think that you have anything to worry about.

At this age she has no idea whatsoever that pushing/pinching/hitting is not a nice thing to do. All you can do when she does this is take her by the hand tell her that hitting is not nice & Give the 'victim' a big hug & tell her that they're upset.

She'll have No bloody idea what you doing, but in time (bout a year or so) she'll soon realise that this behaviour is frowned upon. Kid's want to please you, they want praise. Tell her & ignore her afterwards, she'll soon get the message.

Adorabelle · 08/10/2006 23:07

bump

Olihan · 08/10/2006 23:17

Both my ds and now my dd (who's 13 months) started hitting at this age. Dd regularly slaps me, dh and ds but doesn't understand why it's wrong. I'm teaching her to stroke gently and say 'AHhh!' and giving her lots of kisses and cuddles when she does it. If she smacks me I put her straight down and say 'No, that's sore' and ignore her for a few seconds. If she hits ds I move her away from him and give him a big fuss and cuddle. I'm not totally convinced she gets it yet but she does like giving strokes now.

I did the same with ds (he was actually a hair puller) and it did work - it just takes time because their understanding just isn't there. He eventually got to the point where, if I saw him going for a hair pull, I could shout 'cuddle!!' and he would. They like the reaction and the fuss that comes with the hitting I think. Ignoring bad behaviour and praising the good is about THE most effective way of dealing with naughty behaviour.

I would just lift her out of the way of whoever she's hurting and either distract her or ignore her. She's not doing it to be malicious at this age but she will learn that it's not on.

HTH

Adorabelle · 08/10/2006 23:27

LOL Olihan, seeing your ds going in for the kill & shouting cuddle But you've proved that it works!

Your post says everything a parent should do if they have a child who behaves this way.

It's not bad/naughty behaviour at this age, it's just a stage (which needs to be corrected) & totally normal.

Bodkin · 09/10/2006 13:24

Hi Elf - I do find that I am constantly removing my DD (2.9 - started doing it about this time last year) from some poor child who she is either poking, hitting, leaning on or pushing with her head. Like yours, she also picks on older kids too at playgroup (sometimes feel like she is the school bully) I was in tears this morning as she cornered one of her very good friends while we were all walking to playgroup and started trying to scratch her face. She had already tried to push her over in a puddle, but I had intervened and took her to one side and said a very firm "No" (my usual response, followed by naughty step/time out if it continues). After the face scratching incident I was so upset I just turned around and frog-marched her back home.

I know they are not supposed to understand why it is wrong and they can't empathise at this age, but there are lots of other things we have taught her are wrong that she abides by without really understanding. This just seems never ending.

Sorry not to be able to offer much in the way of advice and have a moan on your thread but hope it helps to know you are not the only one going through it.

Original poster

Elf1981 · 09/10/2006 19:43

Thanks for the replies, they have been useful. She's been good today, no hitting etc! But I'll use these tactics to try to nip it in the bud a bit quicker.

OP posts:

Bodkin · 10/10/2006 11:32

Had an idea last night about another way of trying to stop my DD being such a bully.

The general consensus seems to be to not make too much of a big scene, as this exacerbates the problem as they like the big reaction. This is tricky, as the other child is usually in floods of tears, the other mother is distressed and I'm furious!

Other posters have also suggested making a big fuss of the "victim", but this is also tricky, as they usually only really want their mummy, not the mummy of the child who has just attacked them! So, my new plan is to carry a pack of stickers or yogurt-covered raisins (my DDs currency) with me at all times (raisins are usually on standby anyway!) to then offer to "victim" to appease. That way, I get to show the other mother that i'm on the case, without having to remonstrate with my DD - she'll be gutted about missing out on a treat and hopefully the whole situation will blow over...eventually.

Anyone else got any thoughts on that before I put it in to action?

Don't know how well it would work with a younger child though.

NAB3 · 10/10/2006 11:36

I would check before handing yogurt raisins to someone elses child. I know I wouldn't be happy if someone else gave my children things, especially not those raisins.

My son is nearly 16 months and is hitting. It started off as a pat but actually hurts, especially when he has a toy in his hand when doing it, but I am convinced he thinks he is being loving. He hits the cat too who I know he just adores.

Bodkin · 10/10/2006 11:41

Yes I know what you mean about the raisins, I would ask the parent first, obviously, and suggest a sticker if they preferred that. Her behaviour tends to be worse when we are at home and have friends with kids over to play, so it is usually kids and parents that I know very well. Luckily, my friends are very understanding, but I would like to feel a bit more in control about the situation.

NAB3 · 10/10/2006 12:10

She may feel a little unsure about other children being in her space and this is how it manifests itself.

Bodkin · 10/10/2006 12:37

Well, it is worse at home, but happens everywhere, when we are walking to playgroup with friends, when we are at the beach, when we are at someone else's house etc. etc.

On the other hand, she is generally a very good girl - potty trained easily, good sleeper and eater, so this is just her "thing". I know she'll grow out of it as with all stages, and some days she's fine, others it's worse - tiredness definitely exacerbates it.

Bodkin · 10/10/2006 13:10

BTW NAB3, what do you mean "those raisins"??! Is there some scary chemical in them I don't know about. Got me all of a panic now

NAB3 · 10/10/2006 13:20

I am completely neurotic about what my children eat and when I saw the bright pink one I thought there is no way that is there naturally. Cochinel is also a colouring I wouldn't let my kids eat. From some kind on insect.

Bodkin · 10/10/2006 13:57

Oh right, phew. I'm talking about the ones from the health food shop. No colourings at all.

Bodkin · 10/10/2006 13:58

I know I know, they are terrible for their teeth - luckily I am borderline OCD on teeth cleaning!

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