Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

20 months old hitting mummy

27 replies

popsycal · 15/04/2004 15:05

Hoping you can offer me some advice.

DS 20 months old. He is a sociable little biy who has always adjusted to his varied routine with ease. I work full time - my mum looks after him on Mon and Tues and he goes to a childminder for the rest of the week. Only my mum, childminder, dh and myself look after him. no babysitters etc.

He has always been very easy going and affection. In the last month, he has had the occasional tantrum but more the 'I am going to lie on the floor and turn myself into a lead weight and not move and laugh whilst in Tesco' kind of tantrum rather than a screaming one. I accept these as part of his normal development and deal with them if and when they happen.

This is my second week off work and I have been looking after him all day by myself. Since we got back from a short stay at DH's parents' house on Saturday, he has taken to hitting me in the face when he has to do something that he doesn't want to. This is such a sudden, out of character change. He isn't just lashing out in temper - he is aiming for my face and hitting repeatedly. I have tried all of the methods that I can think of. I am avoiding the word 'no' like the plague as it is his favourite word at the moment - accompanied by a stern pointing finger!

I don't know where the hitting has come from, since as far as I know, he hasn't seen anyone being hit and no one has ever hit him.

Today has been the last straw in this respect - my tolerance level has been very low today, admittedly, but it is happening regularly and in public.

I accept that at this age that tantrums happen - the advice I need is suggestions of how I can make it clear that hitting mummy is unacceptable. Bearing in mind he is only 20 months old.

Thanks
Popsy

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Hulababy · 15/04/2004 15:10

Hi Popsy. DD does this too at times, and started doing it around your DS's age. I just remove her hand and tell her that it isn't nice to do him mummy and it makes me sad, and that I don't hit her do I?. I then make a sad face. She then seems to know that it is wrong and will give me a hug and kiss saying "kiss it better, sorry mummy". Trouble is at this age it doesn't stick for long so you need to keep repeating the process over and over again. To start with what you say might not be clear to him, but still say it and I find the facial reaction from me too really does help with the understanding. He'll get it in the end.

DD is improving with it now and seems to have latched onto the idea a bit more.

Blu · 15/04/2004 15:19

DS went through a stage of this. I just put him down, or away from me, immediately. Not angrily or roughly, but firmly, and calmly said 'Don't hit me please', and he stopped pretty quickly.

Original poster

popsycal · 15/04/2004 15:25

What about if trying to put him into the car seat or buggy....?

OP posts:

Hulababy · 15/04/2004 15:27

Like 'time out'? May work.

If DD has been particularly rough (or playing up over other things) I sometimes get her to go and sit down on her little chair to calm down. She now knows that she then has to come over to me and say sorry and give me a kiss, before she can play again.

aloha · 15/04/2004 15:49

Ignoring can really work - ie the minute he goes to hit, hold his arms away from you, put him down and walk away - no eye contact. If he gets no reaction at all, he will quite quickly work out that this behaviour is not worth it. I think yelling, saying no etc is an interesting reaction and one they are quite keen to examine again!

Angeliz · 15/04/2004 15:52

HI popsy

My dd went through a stage like this at around that age too. She went from angel to minx overnight and we had to seriously keep her away from her one year old cousin. (I had visions of her being a bully and allsorts).
Thankfully, it was a stage and she's great now at 3. (Mind you for some reason she hits out when she's embarrased.
ANYWAY, we found that the only thing to get dd to stop was if both dp and i said NO at the same time, (obviously a tactic for when you're together. We'd just glance at each other then say NO loudly but not shouting! It seemed to work every time and she grew out of it!
Good luck and let me know about the fish and chips

None for me!!!!

Blu · 15/04/2004 16:02

Popsy, don't they always do it at the moment when it's hardest to put calm tactics into place! Think a version of Aloha's 'refusal to engage' might be a good one. Calmly struggle to continue to strap him in while holding his hands at bay, and don't speak or make eye-contact.

frogs · 15/04/2004 16:07

My dd1 did this once and once only at about 18 months.

I was so shocked I said 'Absolutely not' very loudly, picked her up and plonked her down outside in the hall.

She came running back in howling for a cuddle, but I think I'd made my point. I still use 'absolutely not' when confronted with behaviour that I find totally unacceptable, and they do seem to recognise that I mean business... mostly...

Blu · 15/04/2004 16:50

Frogs, I say 'Absolutely Not', too!

and

'And that's that!' at the end of not-to-be-filibustered decisions.

Original poster

popsycal · 15/04/2004 18:20

Thanks for this advice folks. I am just feeling generally rubbish today and DS's hitting seemed to reach a height at the same time - linked? I am not sure......

Have tried the 'refusing to engage' tactic - but will try again! i also like the idea of a different phrase to 'NO!' that ds can't copy!

I will feedback tomorrow - DH has him downstairs at the moment and ds will be off to bed shortly.
Thanks again

OP posts:

juniper68 · 15/04/2004 18:28

Hi,
sorry to hear about your problem, my DS2 did this too and still does a bit at 3 1/2. I used to strap him tightly in the buggy or highchair as I'd seen it recommended on a programme once and it worked for their kids It's best to do this without shouting or even talking much, just saying you don't like it, which I know is easier said than done.
They soon get the message.

Original poster

popsycal · 15/04/2004 18:30

OP posts:

Evita · 15/04/2004 20:42

Popsy, my dd's a bit younger as you know and we haven't had this yet but my close friend's ds has been doing it for a while. He hits her quite hard and with a really aggressive facial expression. I was shocked to see it as he's a v. sweet natured little boy normally. She's done most of the things suggested here and found so far that all that's worked is to hold his hands when he hits her and say very sternly 'if you do that again I will put you in your cot'. Initially he ignored that and then screeched when put in the cot. But now he seems to have got the message and when he goes to hit her, she pre-empts it with the warning and he backs off. Another friend's little girl beats her mom with the back of the hairbrush! She's had a black eye.

Ah ... another thing to look forward to ...

samwifewithkid · 15/04/2004 22:54

Hi Popsy

My dd is 22m and has just started doing this. I think she did it to Daddy in a rough and tumble game and decided the other day to try it on me to see what happened. She obviously liked my reaction and has been doing it for a couple of days. After talking calmly and telling her not to do it, today I tried talking firmly to her and putting her away into another room and ignoring her. She sat there with a confused expression, so I guess it caused a reaction. I'm hoping she won't do it tomorrow, but we'll see. She too is normally a very sweet and kind little girl, but I think is deciding to test those barriers! Hey ho!!

polly28 · 15/04/2004 23:23

so glad you started this thread popsy.
My ds is the same age as yours and does this too.He also hits when he's embarassed.He's never been smacked,seen it etc.,so don't know where it comes from.I've tried saying no really firmly but he just carries on as if he's really fascinated to see how long he can go on and what I@ll do next.
I thnk ignoring is probably the best bet,hard to do when strapping wee bugger in carseat.
It's very akin to training dogs "ignore the bad and praise the good",now if I could just get him to walk in a straight line like the dog!

Original poster

popsycal · 16/04/2004 11:34

well, we have been out today and i tried the 'absolutely not' without any eye contact. didnt work at first but after repeating it lots of times in exactly the same way. when he settled and gave him a big kiss and made a fuss of him
going to keep trying with this method as i think it may work eventually!

OP posts:

Blu · 16/04/2004 18:11

Hope you're generally feeling a bit better Popsycal.
It took about 2 or 3 days for DS to cotton on, at that age.

champs · 17/04/2004 00:38

hi!! I think many kids go thru such stages. I think it's part of the independance thing.

I think it continues because kid can see a reaction. if the reaction is taken away, they will stop... or find another thing!!

I would be wary of having everyday objects as time out objects tho as they will become known as naughty objects and when you need to use them at other times they will not want to use them.
eg-- using a cot or bed as punishment would mean when it's time to sleep they will think it's a punishment and wont want to go. or a pushchair/car seat... wen its time for them to go in it other than time out they will not want to go in it. this can cause alot of grief.

i think putting them out of the room is a good idea. If out then obv the pushchair would have to be used.
no eye contact is also good and try to be as emotion less as poss.
wen they hit out grab their hands and say that's not nice or a phrase that suits you.
or even stop!
It helps wen you giv reasons cos at this age they seem to respond better.

champs · 17/04/2004 00:40

reading that back it sounds so patronising and like a know all mum. sorry

it's just the technice that i found worked best

Original poster

popsycal · 17/04/2004 10:47

Thanks Champs - that really is helpful....that is the line i am going along.
What do you think about ME leaving the room? Or will this make it worse for him when I have to leave the room for a normal reason - ie going to work?

OP posts:

champs · 17/04/2004 15:00

popsycal-- i would say he should leave the room so he understands he is the one being inappropriate also it may help him to calm down if he is removed from the situation.

like you say you leaving the room may not be a good idea because you leaving for other reasons may seem like a punishment. although if you feel you cant keep calm or are really frazzled then leaving the room may be best.. if ur out however like say in a shop and he has a tantrum, you leaving him and walking away does work.

juniper68 · 17/04/2004 15:35

I've re sent email addy to you popsycal. Cheers for remembering. My DH has a pass for Beamish so it means we'll all get in free

Original poster

popsycal · 17/04/2004 19:57

Thanks again folks (juniper will get in touch with you again!)

We have had a much nicer day today - he has had moments of being fantastic - and has also come out with out 30 new words too. He is at the repeating everything stage.

Also, we have got to the point now where he tries to hit and seems to know that it is wrong - can see in his eyes. If he is upset, he continues but I just do the 'absolutely not -that hurts mammy' with no eye contact until he stops.

However, tonight we went out for tea........he is definitely understanding it all as a few times he went to hit me - not tantruming as such but not wanting to do what I wanted him to do. As I went to grab his hand, he just waved and said 'hellllooooo' in his cutest voice imaginable. Like people doing a joke handshake - when you go to shake their hand they put their thunb to their nose and wiggle there fingers. Like that.

The monkey - pmsl!

OP posts:

Original poster

popsycal · 18/04/2004 13:15

Virtually stopped now - I just have to look away if he tries to hit and he breaks into a wave and a very cute 'helllllo'

Thanks folks!

OP posts:

juniper68 · 18/04/2004 15:34

Awwwwww I'm so pleased to hear it popsycal. He sounds abosolutely edible the little love. He's getting good with his words isn't he?

Flip

1 2