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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD prefers nanny to me!

10 replies

Coulterm · 05/10/2006 22:14

I work 2 days a week and had a new nanny start about 3 weeks ago. This evening when I came home my dd wouldn't come to me, cried when I tried to take her away from the nanny and when we both went up to do her bath and get her ready for bed (I'm showing the nanny the routine so she can babysit on Saturday) dd insisted that the nanny read her bedtime story, wouldn't come to me etc. Now of course I am very happy that my daughter likes the nanny - but I feel a bit rejected. Am I doing something wrong?

She is 17 months old and I went back to work 2 months ago so we have always been very close.

has anyone else experienced this?

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NAKM · 06/10/2006 10:02

Hi CT. I'm afraid I haven't experienced this personally, but with 12 years of experience with children and four years spent studying them, think what your DD is doing sounds quite normal. She is basically learning how to trust people and that there are other people in her world that she can feel affection for too. I wouldn't say that she has stopped loving you, I think she's too little to understand how to "split" her love and share it between both of you. She's testing to see if this new person loves her too because she already knows that your love is constant! Don't worry, she will soon be as affectionate with you as soon as she realises that she can trust both of you. It's not nice to go through it though, but I suppose it's a better alternative to her screaming the house down when your nanny has to take over! Sorry didn't mean to type a sermon; hope it's helpful!

Original poster

Coulterm · 06/10/2006 13:28

Very helpful - thank you. I am telling myself it is because she is secure in my love that she can be excited about other people. This morning she asked for the nanny as soon as she woke up and when I said yes, she's coming today dd went "Bye, Bye, Bye Bye" to me! I'm trying to be grown up about the whole thing!

OP posts:

lindster · 06/10/2006 18:21

my ds (16 months) is very close to my MIL. I have always struggled with this and like you i feel he sometimes prefers her, even though its nice he has a good relationship with her.
Once i got home from work and he cried when i picked him up and ran to her. Left me feeling crap and bitter and jelous towards her.
I have learnt though to try not to take it personally, he was ill recently and all he wanted was me not her. I felt privatly smug. Sometimes i feel like ive regressed to a 15 year old!

NAKM · 07/10/2006 12:41

After reading linster's comments, it reminded me of a recent trip to Norfolk with my in-laws, and DD who is 4 months old spent the whole time beaming at her Granny and when I walked up behind them and said Hi or smiled, her face became completely dead-pan and it was as if I had interfered on their time! So maybe I have experienced it a bit, but didn't realise it!! I might just be writing back to you in a few month's time asking for tips on how you got through it all! Hope your weekend is going well, and presumably it's nanny-free??!!

colditz · 07/10/2006 13:20

You are dull. She loves you anyway and she doesn't have to 'win' your affection

GreenSlashedSleeves · 07/10/2006 13:30

She doesn't love the nanny more than you. You'll see when she's ill or frightened or really overtired, only Mummy will do . I do feel for you though, my ds1 has a fantastically close relationship with his pre-school teacher, he idolises her and is really affectionate with her, and I do sometimes find myself biting back that "He's MINE!!!" feeling. It's hard. But I think it means that you have brought your daughter up to be such a secure and stable child emotionally that she is able to form trusting relationships with others, from the bedrock of her primary relationship with you.

Original poster

Coulterm · 07/10/2006 14:31

Thanks all. Your comments have helped me realise that it's not an unusual way to behave and not necessarily an indication of poor mothering on my part!

And yes, I am enjoying a nanny free saturday - though of course on weekends it is Daddy who is the great excitement because she doesn't see him as much as me during the week! I am however taking comfort in the thought that she feels secure enough in my love to take me for granted. Mothers do get a bit of a raw deal though sometimes don't they.

OP posts:

NAKM · 12/10/2006 09:26

Hi Coulterm. Not sure if you're still watching this thread, but any improvement yet? Hope it's all settling down!

EliBoo · 12/10/2006 10:17

Coulterm, if you're still concerned...

I have had a p/t nanny (two short days per week, most of the time) since dd was 14 months old. There have been phases of adoration, phases of dd rejecting nanny and wanting Mummy, phases of just about everything....dd is now 2.10.

When she was really little, like your dd, she couldn't yet grasp the concept of loving more than one person at a time - it was either 'love Mummy hate Daddy' or vice versa, same with nanny. It changed sometime after she was 2, I think.

Four weeks ago, she started pre-school - and the teachers comment on how open and communicative she is with them: she is loving every second. I like to think that having more than one adult to attach to earlier has helped her settle so fast! Who knows, really, but in any case - nanny now feels like extended family, and dd moves from one to another happily, loving everyone (except, briefly, those who don't give her what she wants, which is all of us, sometimes )

Sunnysideup · 12/10/2006 10:40

yes, this is really common - my ds had phases of rejecting his dad, just wanting me!

Young children are often not good at change - they might kick up a fuss being left at nursery, then kick up a fuss at being collected! Lots of people take this as a huge sign that their child LOVES nursery and this may be the case but I feel it's more to do with hating the changeover period!

I think this is what you're getting with the nanny situation - as well as building a loving relationship with her, your dd is just learning how to accept a changeover..she will learn this, it just takes a bit more maturity...

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