Playground politics

[Mala]

I thought I wouldn't have to deal with all this stuff just yet, but it all seems to be kicking off now.

Just to give you some background. I have a dd who is 4(just). She has been friends with a girl(will call her X) for one year. I am friends with X's mum. They go to the same pre-school and have been inseparable. A new girl has now joined(will call her Y). Dd is very taken with Y and has now started to play with Y and not X. She will say that Y is her best friend and she wants to play with Y not X. I really don't know how to deal with this. I do know that children should be allowed to choose their own friends, but I think it is very hurtful to X and if the situation was reversed dd would be very upset(as would I on her behalf!). She does still like X and does play with her, it's just that at times she does exclude her when she is playing with Y and will make comments like "I'm Y's friend today". During the holidays X'mum and I take turns looking after each others children, so it is a longstanding relationship and dd and X will have to spend time in each others company outside school. The play fine when it is just the two of them.
Is there anything I can really do in this situation? I have told dd she has to be kind and play nicely with X and Y, but in reality I'm sure my advice is forgotten in the playground.
I don't want to keep harping on the topic, as it feels like I am telling dd who to play with. I also feel she might just tell me what I want to hear rather than the truth. However,at the same time I do want her to treat other people with consideration and not just discard them when someone new turns up.
Any advice please?

Mala, I don't think there is much you can do about it at that age, other than maybe to ask your dd how she thinks 'x' feels. But if 'x' isn't worried then I don't think you should be. This is just something that happens, and like you say, you can't tell her who to play with.

I sometimes really wish I could!!

I think its nice that they are branching out and making new friends, x may be too!! I also think its lovely that you care

I imagine that Y is new and interesting to your DD, whereas X is a well-known quantity. X will, of course feel sad if she feels that she is being excluded but this is all part of life and growing-up. There's not much you can do about it, TBH. I'm sure that once Y loses her 'newness' appeal, X will be back in favour.

The thing is that X is upset by it. There is the added complication of the comments occuring in front of X's mum. I agree though that I feel there's not much I can do at this age, but do want to know if I am doing all I can.

Thanks Quadrofiendia - I do hate to see children being upset due to being excluded, though do know its all part of growing up.

I agree about Y being new and so more exciting-there seems to be an element of hero worship with dd wanting to wear a sweater as Y is and so on.

It's hard, isn't it, but I do think you can start to encourage DD to see that it's not acceptable to rub people's face in it (not sure if she is doing this with X from your post).
DD did a bit of this when she started preschool at 4... it was definitely a girl thing. Shutting people out from group, depending on whether they were wearing skirts or trousers , that sort of thing. The teachers noticed it also and I suppose gave us, as parents, the confidence to tackle it. Teachers discussed it with class and the parents reinforced it at home.
I remember asking DD how she would feel if people wouldn't play with her, and I could see the light going on. This concerted effort made a difference and it died down quite a bit.
It will still happen, of course it will, but at least the children know it's not nice and grownups/teachers won't tolerate it.

its important that you and x's mum encourage new relationships for your dd's, its unhealthy to be too dependant on one child. It is possible for your dd to maintain a friendship with x and still have new ones so please don't worry, it might mean x starts to find her own feet nd make new friends too!

(didn't make clear, it was a group thing, not all instigated by DD)

Yes do think it is a girl thing. I didn't realise it happened so young though. The school is very good and do teach them that they have to play and be kind to each other.

I am happy with dd having other friends, just wish they would all play nicely together though-not have this "you can't play with me" aspect to it.