Help from any fellow Mums of strong willed but lovely three year olds?

[JiminyCricket]

I don't seem to know how to handle the everyday traumas - you know, getting her dressed, getting shoes on, getting out of the house on time. We are pretty structured routine-wise, perhaps a little rushed sometimes. We are consistent and use pasta jar plus naughty step as consequence for hitting (which she rarely does, and then only a tap to cause a reaction). She is such a prevaricator - anything to slow the process down, and fiercely independent, has to do everything herself (inevitably slow) but has to have you there while she does it. I love her independence, and she's great, honestly, its just every time we think we have got over a period of some sort of battles, it pops up again - so it might be staying in bed at bedtime, then we solve that, then it will be having her hair washed. She screams when i brush her hair (but only pretend screaming, and before I even start brushing it iyswim). I don't know any more whether I ought to be stricter or calmer - sometimes being chilled seems to make a marked difference to her behaviour, but we still seem to end up having to have some kind of fight about something in the end, and being chilled, while pleasant, does make everything take so looong. Is this just how it is, or any experiences of coping with it better than me

have u tried goving choices rather than telling her what to do?

for example my 3 yo has the choice of outfits in a morning, then he chooses his toothbrush (he has 2) he chooses his blu shoes or his white ones, his raincoat or his prdinary coat.

That way things are done but they feel they have chosen, IYSWIM

I have a strong willed and slow acting 3 year old, and it's just as you mention... one battle at a time. Apart of having the pasta jar, the naughty step, I have been using "options" with him and that is working well, i.e.:

-Do you want me to leave the door open?, would you stay in your bed if I do?

-If you get dressed I will help you do your shoes.

-If we finish getting ready soon you can see the cartoons while Mummy finishes sorting up the rest of the things.

etc..

I have to also say options has really worked for us -- with strong willed DD now 5 and strong willed DS (2!, so entering the danger zone of "Sam do it!"). Also letting her do it sometimes helps, maybe when you it doesn't matter when if you are a bit late. Or start earlier so she can do more. I too had to be with DD while she "me do it". But she was one of the few who could get herself dressed for PE with no help in Reception (was even commented on at her parent's night ) Now getting ready to go out is so much easier, as I just tell her what needs to be done. Sometimes with time limits, or she can go off a bit. So it will pay off in the end. You just have to survive this period!

Will say that a strong willed 4 yr old, is better

She does choose her clothes, yes, and having control does help her (but it gets a bit extreme, like crying if you dare to shut the door instead of her for example). I find it hard to get a balance between her choosing but not letting her be too controlling, though she's not like that at nursery or around other kids, its just bossing her parents around! I have been thinking about getting her dressed before breakfast, so that then she would have time to play afterwards and we'd only have to brush her teeth and get her shoes on...she likes her milk in the morning so that would be an incentive to get dressed nicely. Thanks for your thoughts

I definitely agree with mumofmonsters, giving her choices might be key as it taps into the independent spirit. Doing less for her might be another thing though I think lots of people find this REEELY hard; I mean not brushing her hair for her, for example. Let her do it if she wants to (and put up with whatever results, it might not be to your standard but she's 3, I doubt she cares!). I always used reverse psychology with my ds, betting him he couldn't get his coat on before me, things like that...or I'd tell him on NO account was he allowed to wear shoes today (had him begging to put his shoes on ). Use an egg timer or something to make dressing/hair brushing into a race; Just making life more of a game, treating it all as a bit more fun that just things that have to be got through.

I certainly had days when I couldn't do this as well as others, as sometimes you just want them to do what needs doing and it drives you mad all the jollying along, but most of the time this worked so well with my ds.

My nearly 3 year old ds is much the same.
I must say though that I have introduced choices and in a way I wish I hadn't now. He always wants to wear totally inappropriate clothes for where we are going ( like his page boy suit for nursery!)

Yeah, i think the hair brushing is not helped by her having lovely curly natural ringlets, look lovely but a nightmare to brush, so it probably does hurt a lot sometimes. I try to limit choice of outfit to 'this or this'(I lay two options on the bed for her). She was an angel for DH tonight (who hasn't put her to bed for ages )

JiminyCricket, I think we have the same dd! I think being chilled and pleasant whilst giving things more time is more constructive. I do sometimes have to force things along, like making her put on clothes, but this is usually because I have run out of time - which sparks off a screaming fit on her part.

I have relaxed standards - she sleeps in as much of the clothes she needs to wear the next day as she will allow. If she wants to bring her doll into nursery, I let her. So what if I don't manage to comb her hair beyond untangling the obvious with my fingers. I and dh lay down with her at bedtime. She chooses her outfit even sometimes against my better judgment eg elf outfit!

Dd is old enough to apply a bit of reasoning eg I remind her none of her friends go to nursery naked. Or that she can have pudding after she has tried a little of her pasta.

I do believe it is just a phase. And already it is getting better. I love her spirit too, even if it is rather trying.

Glad its not just me!

you have just described my dd